Stuart’s Rules RULE #1

9 01 2010

Avoid incredibly heavy breathing at all costs!

I know what you’re thinking, “But Stuart, if I don’t breathe heavily throughout the evening how will she know that I like her?”  You couldn’t be more wrong.  About a year ago I was on a date with a pleasant young lady and I was breathing very heavily from the moment I picked her up to the moment she asked to be dropped off at a bus stop.

At first I thought she was really digging my more than obvious mouth breathing.  A couple minutes into the car ride she asked if I had asthma.  I assumed she was making an “ice breaker” joke so I laughed it off. (I do have asthma, but didn’t want to tell her this on a first date as it is often associated with the less than cool.)  I was a little confused when she did not return my laughter, but didn’t think too much of it at first.  At the restaurant things got even weirder.  My ridiculously heavy breathing caused our candle to blow out and topple over. Yikes!  Immediately after this she indicated that we would not be having an appetizer or wine.  In retrospect I should have curtailed my almost comically heavy breathing right then and there, but sadly I didn’t.  I wanted to stick with my guns.

Let’s fast forward to the end of the date.  After four more blown out candles and many strange looks from my date (and other restaurant patrons) we were in my car heading home.  I knew the date hadn’t gone too well.  I definitely wasn’t expecting to get invited upstairs, but I still hoped we’d slide to the back of my Camry and “pet”.  This never happened and it was all because of my insanely heavy breathing.  After turning out of the restaurant I noticed that I was having difficulties seeing out my window.  The constant flow of hot, heavy breath was fogging up my windshield!  While trying to wipe it clear with the sleeves of my turtleneck I almost had a fender bender and had to slam on the brakes.  My date said she was going to take the bus home and got out of my car at the next stoplight.  No thank you and no goodnight kiss.




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