Confessions of a Refrigerator Thief – A Chris T. Exclusive

25 05 2010

The following topic is one of the most taboo for employees working in an office.  Many have their own rules and credos about what is and isn’t acceptable about taking food in a communal kitchen.  These range from hard-liners who would rather starve than take someone’s leftover turkey sandwich, to the unscrupulous thieves who you know took the other half of your Chili’s chicken fajita that you saved from dinner last night.  Unfortunately, I would have to align myself with those in the latter group.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my morals.  I just don’t let food go to waste.  If leftovers rot on my watch, Chinese kids starve and women are sold into slavery.

My Five Commandments of Fridge Stealing

1.  The 24 Hour Rule – If it’s been 24 hours, sorry buck-o.  That steak sandwich is mine.  Take this example: A turkey avocado is put in the fridge after lunch on 2:00pm on Monday.  That gives the owner the opportunity to eat it for dinner or lunch the next day.  Once 2:00pm rolls around, I’m eating it before the avocado gets too brown.

2.  Expiration Day – Might as well be “Chris Eats It Day.”  Gives you a super easy out as well.  When someone asks what happened to their food, blame it on the cleaning crew.  “I think they threw out all the expired food.”  Bingo.  Are they going to run down a night janitor for some six dollar sandwich? Hell no.

3. Chinese food – Free for all.  You can throw out the 24 hour rule on this one.  It is scattered in separate containers and most people never touch it again.  You can take a box and go to town, then blame it on anyone.  No one cares about their Chinese leftovers, so they won’t take the proper steps to track you down. If there are multiple containers, take a little from each one.  Those fools are none the wiser.

4. Food in Tupperware – Dude, don’t touch that shit.  Someone made that crap at home and half the time it already looks congealed from its trip from the fridge at home to the office kitchen.  Also, people make weird concoctions at home.  I make tuna mac and cheese where I blend up tuna and cheese and pour it on pasta.  Unless you’re the person who made it, eating it is a concrete way to screw up your afternoon.

5.  Cakes or Pastries – Take a sliver.  If someone accuses you, ask them if they are seriously asking you that.  They’ll back down and you didn’t lie.  Win.

And remember, when caught, DENY, DENY, DENY.  Get aggressive, accuse them of taking something you left in there, joke out of it and belittle them.  Don’t let those food hoarders get you down.  Remember, two slices of a pizza is a horrible thing to waste.

-Chris T.

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One response

13 01 2011
Valerie Leung

Wow Chris I’d be too scared to share an office with you! As long as you don’t take a bite and then put the food back into the fridge… Lol

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