Obama Selects Wall as New Military Leader in Afghanistan

24 06 2010

We here at CCTT have got our hands on a memo a drunk President Obama sent out late Tuesday night.  We cannot reveal our source.  Here it is.

“Dudes,

Four hours ago I was informed about Gen. McChrystsuck’s (because he sucks) interview with Rolling Stone.  I felt pretty bad after that so for the last three hours I’ve been drinking Miller High Life cans under my desk.  I’ve come to a couple conclusions; one, McChyrstsuck is a douche, and two, we need a new military leader in Afghanistan.  So, with the first pick of the 2010 Military Leader in Afghanistan Draft, I have selected John Wall from the University of Kentucky.

My main reason for selectting Wall is his speed.  This dude’s fast as shit.  I don’t know a lot about Counter Insurgency tactics, but I’m pretty sure being really fast would help.  I can totally see this guy using his raw athleticism to sprint through Afghanistan and totally fuck up the Taliban.  Obviously, I had to take that Evan Turner kid from Ohio St. into consideration.  I liked the fact that he could play both guard positions and small forward, but in the end I felt obligated to go with Wall because he is just so damn athletic.  Some people thought I might go with that white kid from Gonzaga, but that never even crossed my mind.  The Gonazaga dude is a technically sound basketball player, but there is no way that I would waste a number one pick on a white guy (not racist, just a realist).  And for those of you think that Wall is too young to lead our troops in Afghanistan, I say go fuck yourselves.  When you’re ready to lead American forces in Afgahnistan you’re ready.  It doesn’t matter that you only spent one year at a non-military college.

I hope to announce my decision tomorrow morning after I get home from Jack in the Box.  That is all.

 Big O.

p.s.  If anyone has seen my cell phone please let me know.  An hour ago I found out that Arby’s didn’t deliver.  In my anger I threw my phone across the room and now it is lost.   I really need it because it has all my contacts.”

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