It’s Always Five O’clock Somewhere

28 06 2010

Mr. Jackson asked us for some screen time the other day on an issue he could only describe as “extremely important.”  Naturally, we obliged.  

              Hey y’all Alan Jackson here.  America’s got a lot of problems these days: economic uncertainty, political disunity, dependence on fossil fuels, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  With all these problems it’s no surprise that some issues get pushed from the public debate, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t important.  I’m speaking to you today because of one issue that is near and dear to my heart.  I’m concerned that a lot of y’all don’t realize that IT IS ALWAYS FIVE O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE, thus making it okay for you to drink.

            All right, hmm.  How do I explain this?  Okay, got it.  Let’s say you’ve been working real hard all summer.  I mean really hard.  You’ve been fussin’, you’ve been hollerin’, and for what?  It’s all been for one measly dollar.  You’re fed up and you’re frustrated and then it dawns on you.  You have what we like to call “The Summertime Blues” and there is absolutely no cure.  This sad realization makes you want to have a drink, but there’s a catch.  It’s 10 AM in Tennessee and you can’t rationalize boozing at such an early hour.  Now you’re really pissed.  I want you to take a second and think.  It may be early in Tennessee, but it’s Five o’clock in Madrid.  That’s in Spain.  Go ahead and crack a beer.  Boom shaka laka. You’re welcome.

            Are you getting this? No? Okay, try this on for size.  You’re driving down the road in the middle of the night and you see another motorist in a Mercury.  You love Mercury’s.  You think they’re the best car out there.  Sadly, you’ve never been able to afford one.  You’ve often thought to yourself that if you actually had enough money you’d go to your local Mercury dealership and buy one, maybe even two.  Some might say that you are legitimately crazy about Mercury’s.  That’s how much you love them.  This passing motorist has really set off some bad memories.  You could really go for a stiff liquor drink.  You remember that you have some bourbon in the car, but it’s 3 AM and you can’t possibly have a drink…or can you?  Yes, it’s 3 AM in North Carolina, but you’re forgetting one important fact: it’s 5 PM in Melbourne, Australia.  Pour that liquor drink, son.  Sweet Jesus, I’m on fire.

            You still don’t understand?  Now I’m kind of pissed. It’s not that difficult people, but since I’m a nice guy I’ll give you one more example.  It’s 9 AM and you’re watching one of those nature shows on PBS for some reason.  A river comes on screen and it’s déjà vu.  You know that river, but what is it’s name?  You think for a couple of minutes until it all comes flooding back.  Holy fucking shit. That’s the Chattahoochee!  You and your friends used to drink there all the time.  In fact, you drank so much beer that you had enough empties to stack into pyramids.  These beer can pyramids would even give off a reflection in the pale moon light.  It was pretty cool. During your time at the river you hoped that you’d learn about love, but you only learned a small amount.  It was okay, though, because you and your buddies didn’t really have a plan because y’all were pretty much living for the minute.  “Man,” you think to yourself, “those were some good times.  I could sure go for a cold beer right now.  In fact, I have a 12 pack in the refrigerator.  But it’s too bad I can I can’t have one because it’s only 9 AM.”  Oh contrar’ mon frere’.  What have we been talking about?  It’s nine in Georgia, but it’s 5 PM in St. Petersburg, Russia.  Swish.

            Hopefully, I’ve made myself clear.  It doesn’t matter what the time or where you are because IT IS ALWAYS FIVE O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE!

Your Friend,

Alan Jackson




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