Big Redneck Answers Harry Potter Questions

1 07 2010

This week our friend and resident Harry Potter expert, Big Redneck, answers a couple questions sent to him regarding Harry Potter and sex. Here they are.

Q: Dear Big Redneck,

I am a man of 45 years old and recently started to deal with the shame of erectile dysfunction. As a Harry Potter fan I’ve often wondered if Wizards deal with the same problems. What do you think?

Bonerless in Boston

A: Dear Bonerless,

I’m sorry to hear about your wang issues. Have you tried getting a new wife? That could help. In regards to your question, though I definitely think that older male wizards deal with sexual dysfunction and they could approach their limpness in two ways. One, with their wands and I’m talking about the ones they do magic with. They could shout some spell and shoot it toward their wieners. But this would be pretty risky because if you messed up or aimed poorly you could end up blowing up your junk and having a problem much worse than a lack of boners. So I think they probably go with a potion. A boner potion, if you will, that is available for purchase in Diagon Alley. This would be more expensive, but much less risky and when we’re talking about your “wand” you cannot be too careful. There you go and good luck with your very embarrassing problem.


Big Redneck

Q: Dear Big Redneck,

Who would you rather? Hermoine Granger or Ginny Weasley?

Horny in Hattiesburg.

A: Dear Horny,

Great question. Short answer: both. Long answer: Ginny. Let me explain. Hermoine is a big fucking liberal. I can’t have that. As a man of the redneck persuasion I depend on racism, sexism, and the right to bear arms to get me through the day. I’m pretty sure that right after the deed Hermonie would get all talky and try to get me to sign up for one of her “causes.” That ain’t me, man. I don’t give a shit about House Elves or their rights. I’m thinking Ginny would be pretty rowdy in the sack and then just want to talk sports after. That’s more my style. I hope that helped. Straight up!


Big Redneck.

Q: Dear Big Redneck,

This is kind of a weird question, but I thought you might be up for it. What’s the deal with Hagrid’s parents? I mean his Dad was a normal sized person, but his mom was a Giant. They obviously had sex at least one time. How did they, you know, do it?

Confused in Califronia

A: Dear Confused,

I have thought about this…a lot. All I really know is that Hagrid would have never been born if Mr. Hagrid had decided to be on the bottom! You know what I’m saying? The giant would crush a dude if she rode the D. Seriously, though it’s definitely weird as shit and I’m not surprised that J.K. Rowling never had any characters discuss this question. I have a couple thoughts on this issue.

It wasn’t mentioned, but it’s possible that Hagrid’s Dad was a wizard. Hagrid can do magic so that would be a normal thing. It’s also possible that Hagrid’s Dad was into some freaky sex stuff and as a big redneck I can assure you that a lot of people are (I’m into weird butt stuff myself). Having a thing for fat chicks is not strange, but having a thing for Giants is. Only a wizard would really be able to pull this off. He could do some magic on the Giant and then have his way with her. But this seems somewhat unlikely, though because Hagrid is a nice dude and obviously didn’t inherit that trait from his mother. Nice guys don’t perform magic on Giants and bang them or at least not any of the nice guys that I know.

My second thought is pretty much the opposite of my first. Maybe Hagrid’s mom had a weird sex fetish for humans and she forced Mr. Hagrid into the banging. She probably said she would sit on him or even eat him if he didn’t comply with the aformentioned banging. That seems pretty likely from what we know of the cruel nature of giants. So, they had sex (had to have been the missionary position) and she got pregnant. She waited around until Hagrid was born and then left. I doubt they had sex again because she was so pissed about the whole baby thing. I know that’s how I’ve dealt with those kinds of situations in my life.

Question answered.


Big Redneck




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