The Last Living Nazi’s Open Letter to Neo-Nazis:

6 07 2010

Dear Dudes,

This will be my ninth draft of this letter and I still am not sure if the words I have chosen are up to par for your standards. My name is Jan Van Weiner-Woolfe, I was born in Berlin, Germany in 1915 and have been hating people and things all my life, just as you. We are brothers of the same cloth and yet you have never responded to my many letters and phone calls. I left a message with a nice boy named Sam yesterday. He promised he’d tell you I called, but before he hung up the telephone I heard what can only be described as uproarious laughter.

I simply do not understand why you will not let me join your club. I have been hating things my entire life. I was a nazi before you were even a bust in your daddy’s balls! During the war I freely offered myself up to enter “the shit” simply to have more opportunities to hate, create hate within myself, and distribute my hate amongst the enemy. What more can I do?

I understand that my age might be a concern to you, but please understand that age is just a thang. And after being in the shit, I can assure you that I can take care of myself – I have several different types of cane swords. I’m not like one of those homo-nazis in Indiana Jones. There is no way I’d get my skin melted off – way too badass for that. Also, being so old, your women are of no concern to me. I can even hate them if that would help.

We aren’t so different you and I. Please consider this letter my entry application to your new club. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Your brother in blind hate,

J.V. Weiner-Woolfe

P.S. Do you guys have a listserve by chance?
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