Why America Should Get World Cup 2022

9 07 2010

Sadly the World Cup ends this Sunday.  Some of you may know that America stands a pretty good chance at getting the World Cup in 2022.  Former President Clinton and Brad Pitt are honorary members of our bid committee.  Brad Pitt and his interesting hats are sure to impress FIFA.  It’s conceivable that Pitt’s undeniable coolness will almost force FIFA to give us the tournament.  This would be similar to Atlanta getting the 96 Summer Games solely based on the fact that Bobby Cox would be in the vicinity.

Here are some other, non Brad Pitt reasons America should host in 2022.

1)  Chili’s Restaurant

Everyone in America loves Chili’s and I’m pretty sure the rest of the world will too.  I can totally see some dude from Ghana completely falling in love with Chili’s.  He’ll forget that Chili’s represents America’s global dominance (they have three different desserts under the “molten cake” genus) and just enjoy their ever so tender Chicken Crispers.  Then I’ll see him and be like, “Dude. If you like this get on Youtube and type in ‘Chili’s Baby Back Ribs.’  You’re in for a treat my friend.”  What a great commercial.

2)  Dean Cain

Yes, Dean Cain.  Our foreign friends won’t remember him from Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, or his performances in MTV’s Rock and Jock Basketball.  But he’ll be around all the same and I imagine that he’s a pretty nice guy.  The kind of guy who would freely give a drunk Austrian directions to the Rose Bowl.

3)  Spikes Guys’ Choice Awards

God willing, the Spike Guys’ Choice Awards will still be running in 2022.  And if history holds, the 2022 awards will take place around the same time the tournament begins in June.  Foreign fans and foreign players will get back to their hotels, turn on the television, see The Guys’ Choice Awards, and say to themselves, “What the fuck?”  Any nation that has an award show based on what lonely fifteen year old males think is truly something to behold.

4)  Fat Americans

American citizens are fat and only getting fatter.  Imagine how fat we’ll be in 2022.  Holy shit.  If no other reason entices FIFA to select the US for 2022 I think our obese citizenry should suffice.  Let’s say your team has an early exit, but your flight home isn’t for another week.  What do you do?  You stay in America, walk around, and make fun of fat people.  There will be plenty around.  You may see some fall down at the beach or you may see some argue with a waiter over the size of their dinner portion.  It’s all good and worth a trip for a fan of any soccer nation.

See you in 2022.

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