Exclusive LeBron James Interview

12 07 2010

We here at CCTT were Witness to one of LBJ’s few post-Decision interviews.

J:  Thanks for speaking with me today, LeBron.

LBJ:  No problem.  Let’s get it started because I’m busy all afternoon. I’ll be in a helicopter flying all over the Midwest dropping sporting goods down on Boys and Girls Clubs.

J:  That’s very generous of you.  I’ll start.  Wouldn’t  have been a more powerful statement at your press conference to just walk on stage with Will Smith’s “Miami” blaring than actually participating in an interview?  That would have been pretty bad ass and everyone would have known exactly what your plans were.

LBJ: No, not at all. 

J:  Hmm, well that makes my next question unnecessary, but I’ll ask it anyway.  Did you join Miami because you wanted to, “Party in the city where the heat is on/all night on the beach till the break of dawn?”

LBJ:  No. That had nothing to do with it.  I signed to Miami to win championships not to, “party on the beach where the heat is on.”

J:  It’s actually, “Party in the city where the heat is on.”  It’s from Will Smith’s hit 1997 single “Miami”, which I mentioned earlier.

LBJ:  Oh, well I guess that song was a bit before my time.

J:  Did you ever watch THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR?

LBJ:  Nope.  I grew up pretty poor and we didn’t have a television so we never watched that show or MTV or anything.

J: Wow. You’ve really opened up my eyes, LeBron.  I think I’m going to head down to the inner city after this interview and hand out THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR box sets.  A lot of poor kids are missing out.  I’d suggest they DVR it on TBS, but I doubt that’s an option.  If I had as much money as you I could just fly over Compton and drop the box sets from a helicopter.

LBJ:  I’ve been very blessed.

J: You sure have.  Next question.  Some pundits speculate that you, Bosh, and Wade won’t be able to play together—

LBJ:  All three of us are unselfish players and we will work together to win games.

J:  Well, my question wasn’t about basketball, but I’m glad you used the term “unselfish players.”  Let’s say that you, Bosh, and Wade are at the club and there are only two girls hanging out with the three of you.  What do you do?  A dude threesome?  That’s gross and impractical.  Will one of you be unselfish enough to stand down and let the other two take the girls home?

LBJ:  Eh, that question is a bit personal.  Let’s move on.

J:  Sure thing, sorry about that.

LBJ:  No worries, but try to stick to basketball.

J:  You got it.  What kind of reception do you expect upon your return to Cleveland?

LBJ:  Honestly, I think it will be fairly warm.  I gave my heart to Cleveland and I’m sure they respect me for that.  They’ll probably be some funny signs and that stuff, but not much beyond that.

J:  So you expect some good natured ribbing?  Maybe Byron Scott will put a whoopee cushion on your chair or, if for some reason, the Cavaliers beat you there could be a headline in the paper that says, “The King Has Been Dethroned!”

LBJ:  Exactly.

J:  Well, I think you’re wrong.

LBJ:  Really?

 J:  Yep.  Here’s what I’m thinking.  You arrive in Cleveland and everything’s okay.  People are nice to you and what not.  After the game you arrive on the team plane and everything’s still fine…or so you think.  When you land back in Miami your pilot realizes the breaks have been cut and the plane crashes, which kills the entire team, yourself included.

LBJ:  Hmm.

J:  Hmm?

LBJ:  This interview is over.

So, thanks to LeBron taking time out of his busy schedule to speak with us.  We wish him well in Miami and sincerely hope that he is not murdered by a crazy fan from Cleveland.




One response

12 07 2010
patrick rifle mucha

I had no idea LeBron was such a kill-joy.

You guys really get the dirt out, and I admire you for it.

Notable grammar suggestion: “Brakes” is the proper spelling for airline brakes. Not “breaks” as that is what happens to the plane when you tamper with the brakes.


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