Cold Activated Cans Don’t Mean Shit to Me

15 07 2010

I bet you think I’m a moron, an idiot even. You’re entitled to your opinion, but I think you’re wrong. I’ve felt this beer and it seems pretty cold. True, the mountains are yet to turn blue, but I’m confident that it’s still cold enough to drink. Frankly, I’m sick of your slavish devotion to cold activated technology. Part of me thinks the whole thing is made up. And yes, I do know that I can’t prove it. I have no idea what makes it turn blue, but I don’t care. It’s just some stupid can.

Remember when we just drank beer? We didn’t need Coors Light cold activated cans and we certainly didn’t need the Miller Light vortex. What the fuck is that? Is it really that hard to drink a Miller Light? I’ve never found it too difficult. First, you open the beer. Second, you tip it into your mouth and you drink the beer. Third, you drunkenly leer at your semi-attractive cousin. It’s pretty simple if you ask me.

Yes, let’s get back to the beer at hand. Feel it. It’s pretty cold, right? I guess it could be slightly colder. If I wasn’t a massive binge drinker I could have a problem on my hands. You know what I’m talking about?  Halfway through your beer it starts getting kind of warm and gross and you start questioning every decision you ever made in your entire life. Yeah, that kind of thing, but it doesn’t matter now. I’ve picked my Coors Light and now I’m stuck with it. No, no, no. I’m totally cool with it. Life’s just luck anyway, right? Right? You’re disagreeing with me? Fuck you. I’m going over to the bushes. Yep, you’re right. I am absolutely pissing on your bushes. Call the cops. I don’t care. Acutally, I do. Please don’t call the cops. I’ll behave for the rest of the night. Don’t worry, I’m cool.

Now pass me a Coors Light friend and make sure those mountains have turned blue!

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