Exclusive Interview with Don Draper

22 07 2010

We were able to take the CCTT Time Machine and head back to the 1960s and meet with Don Draper. Left, is a picture of Don Draper thinking about something. He does this a lot, but it’s never quite clear what he is exactly thinking about. Sometimes it could be work and other times it could be the shattered remnants of his life. Also, he could be thinking about some girl with whom he wants to have an affair. It’s hard to tell, really. The guy’s pretty mysterious.

Me: Don, thanks for talking with us.

DD: I’m happy to do it. Any publicity for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce is a good thing.

Me: I would have to agree. Speaking of SCDP, how is that working out so far?

DD: It’s going well. Obviously, as this is a new company, there are a few bumps in the road.

Me: Bumps in the road like you and your wife Betty getting divorced?

DD: How do you know about that?

Me: Eh…that guy with the beard, the one who dated the black girl? He told me.

DD: Kinsey?

Me: Yeah, Kinsey.

DD: That makes sense. Kinsey’s always been a better gossip than a copy writer.

Me: (laughs) That’s the relatively dry wit we’ve come to know and love from Don Draper.

DD: Thank you.

Me: And what about Peggy Olsen? What do you think is in store with her this season?

DD: This season? You mean this Fall?

Me: No, no. I meant the next year or so. 1964 and 1965. Do you think anything interesting will happen to Peggy? I have a theory that she’s going to get really excited about this band called The Beatles or get pregnant again. Possibly by a member of The Beatles named Ringo Starr.

DD: I’ve never heard of these “Beatles,” but I can assure you that any musical group named after a bug has no chance of success. That’s a brand that can’t be sold. People will try to listen to their music, but automatically think of disgusting insects. And, as far as Peggy is concerned, I think it’s very strange that you should know that kind of personal information. Why is that you know random facts about me and the characters who surround my life?

Me: Let’s blame all that on Kinsey.

DD: Fine. Peggy Olsen is sweet girl and a fine employee who would never take up with a musician with a name as stupid as Ringo.

Me: Sure she wouldn’t and your name’s not Dick Whitman.

DD: What did you say?

Me: Nothing. Moving on. Why don’t you tell us about your first ad campaign at Sterling Cooper.

DD: Sure. It was for White Castle–

Me: Cool! If you live to the year 2004, which you probably won’t because you’re so unhealthy, you should totally check out the movie Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. I think you’d like it.

DD: You’re sense of humor makes me uncomfortable.

Me: Oh. Okay. I’ll stop.

DD: Good. Where was I?

Me: White Castle.

DD: Right. Well that was the first account I was given at Sterling Cooper. They had these little, tiny Hamburgers they’d just invented. They called them “Stoppers.”

Me: Shitty name.

DD: Exactly. They were supposed to “stop your hunger.” Basically, I came in and pitched this. “In Latin, the same word is used for ‘hunger,’ ‘love,’ and ‘slide.’ What you have here is a tiny hamburger. You call it a Stopper, but this is not a Stopper. It’s a Slider. It takes your hunger and ‘slides’ it toward other items on the menu. Items for which you have hunger and items that you love. They slide you to a place you never thought you’d go before. A place of beauty. A place where you’re valued.” The White Castle people bought it then and there.

Me: Wow. I really don’t know what to say after that.

DD: You’re welcome.

Me: I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask you about Joan Harris, the former Joan Holloway.

DD: Our Office Manager?

Me: Yep.

DD: Why would you want to know about her?

Me: She just seems interesting.

DD: Okay. What do you want to know?

Me: Does the carpet match the curtains?

DD: Yes.

Me: Really? As far as I know you’ve never been intimate with her.

DD: I haven’t, but Roger Sterling has. I asked him one time when we were neglecting our families and getting drunk at a bar.

Me: Cool. Last question. Often times you will have something dramatic happen to you. Let’s say you’ve just day dreamed that you’re coming home to a loving family, but they’re not there or you’ve just found out that your only brother committed suicide because you shut him out of your life. After these instances you’ll sit there alone for five or ten seconds just thinking. It almost seems like you’re moving away from us in some sort of attempt to show that Don Draper is truly alone in the world. Does that ever get annoying for you?

DD: Seriously, how do you know all these strange things about me.

Me: Like I said before I got all this information from Kinsey. He’s probably pissed that you didn’t take him to the new company. The guy’s a major douche.

DD: Douche? (laughs) I like that. That’s good.

Thanks to Don Draper for speaking with CCTT. We wish him and Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce the best of luck.

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