RANT: Enjoy Your Birthday Cake

23 07 2010

Personally, I don’t celebrate my birthday. Usually I like to forget that it’s supposed to be a “special day” with a couple drinks and a smoke or two. So, no different than any other day. Seriously?! We’re here to celebrate the fact that you lived another year? Great. Awesome. Congrats. And what exactly did you accomplish in that year that merits you having a party in your own honor? You do know that people are dying in Africa, right?

Okay, fine. You’re right, you deserve one day in 365. I agree to an extent. But, and this seems to be a strictly feminine habit, the week long birthday celebration is just a week long jerk-off session. Oh, Tuesday we’re having a barbecue and Thursday’s movie night… How about I can’t always remember your name in normal conversation and your thinning hair freaks me out, dude. — Suck my week long dick.

Lastly, if you even know what a “half-birthday” is, you’re a douche. Hey! Don’t get offended. I know what it is too, and I feel horrible about it. In the morning, when I’m brushing my teeth and I start coughing – on the verge of throwing-up – it’s because of the knowledge… the knowledge of “half-birthdays” not the liquor from last night.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.




One response

23 07 2010
pat mucha

Here, here.

Birthdays have completely out-lived their usefulness. What was once a nice smattering of 5-6 “extra holidays” per year with your best friends has now been ruined completely through Facebook over-saturation.

If the average American male has 300 facebook friends, that means he also gets 300 bday notifications per year.

Assuming conservatively that he only likes less than 20 percent of his friends, this still amounts to one fucking birthday he has to attend per week—and even 2-3 on some weeks.

Pardon my french, but when did fucking saturday stop being the weekend and start being birthday-day every god damn week?

I cant wait til football season starts so I can start having a good excuse again to not show up to stupid birthday parties.

“I can’t go, football’s on tomorrow.”

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