Famous Quotes Reassigned to Current Female Celebrities

3 08 2010

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” Lindsay Lohan

Upon her release from prison Lohan spoke these now famous words at a press conference. She’s not going to stop getting really fucked up. This is who she is. She’s an inspiration to millions. Public embarrassment, drug problem, jail? Lohan’s bravery trumps all of these blips on her really fucked up radar. She has the courage and strength to take all this in stride and continue getting really fucked up until she dies, shriveled and alone in a Motel 6. Don’t worry Lindsay because I’ll always leave the light on for you. You’re my hero.

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson has finally found love after public break ups with John Mayer and Tony Romo. Love in the form of some random ex-NFL player named Eric Johnson. Dating one of America’s great guitar players and one of America’s great quarterbacks means nothing compared to this new and special relationship. Eric Johnson is certainly imperfect. He barely saw any NFL action and looks like a gay farmer, but this was exactly Simpson’s point. Now let’s all wish the happy couple an imperfect future. I can even picture it in my head. She does a completely unnecessary cameo in ENTOURAGE while Eric Johnson sits and eats beef jerky.

“All of our dreams can come true…if we have the courage to pursue them.” Montana Fishburne (Lawrence Fishburne’s Daughter)

Montana Fishburne’s first pornographic feature comes out soon and it’s undoubtedly a testament to the triumph of the American spirit. Our founding fathers wanted freedom from Great Britain, but they couldn’t just make a wish and magically gain that freedom. They needed to act, which is why they wrote and signed the Declaration of Independence. Fishburne’s first porno is similar. We’d all like to appear in a really smutty skin flick, but not all of us have the courage to pursue this dream. One cannot just will themselves into the pornographic film industry. You’ve got to get out there and have sex with some random guy on camera. The end result is what true courage looks like. Also, let’s thank Fishburne for insisting that we spell “come” normally and not try to get all porno style and spell it “cum.” That was a classy move.

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” JWoww

JWoww has a pair of massive fake breasts, which are enjoyed by millions each week. Does she ask for repayment? Hell no. She’s out there every day wearing low-cut shirts and miniscule dresses in hopes of making the world a better place. Her altruism knows no bounds. Remember that episode in Season 1 when JWoww and Snooki went to the beach? Remember how you thought to herself, “Wow, those are some huge boobs?” JWoww didn’t even know you were watching. That’s the kind of person she is and if you ask me JWoww has the potential to live a perfect day, every day because she cares enough to flaunt what Dr. Steinberg, her plastic surgeon, gave her.

Want to know the actual sources of the above quotes? Yes? Fag.

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person beautifully.” Sam Keen

“All our dreams can come true…if we have the courage to pursue them.” Walt Disney

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” John Wooden

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