NFL Team Name Power Rankings

10 08 2010

Are you ready for some football? A Monday night party? We here at CCTT are darn excited and hope you are as well and for your pleasure we’re going to give y’all a preview you won’t find anywhere else. What if instead of teams playing football, we judged them on what team name would actually win in a fight. Here’s an example from the NBA. Cleveland Cavaliers versus the Boston Celtics. Who’d win? The Celtics because they are crazy, drunk, and Irish.  Those cavaliers are just a bunch of dandies.

For these rankings, we are not evaluating how well these mascots could play football, as we have no interest in how well a bunch of Bears could run a spread offense. These are pure blood-matches. Now let’s get to ranking.

32) Cleveland Browns – Might as well be the Cleveland Craps. Excrement is the lowest form of anything. At first we thought we might rank them as brown people, but decided generalizing an entire race wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interest.

31) Buffalo Bills – Their mascot is actually a buffalo, which is their city name.  This is grounds for disqualification, but we’ll let them stay at least for now.  Also, if they actually used “bill” to represent them they’d still be 31st.  A bill of a hat isn’t intimidating. They’d be this low even if it was our old next door neighbor Bill, who was a decent guy and never called the cops on us.

30) San Diego Chargers – Electricity is powerful. Very powerful. But like Buffalo, the Chargers are actually cheating. Lighting/Electricity/Whatever is too weird for our purposes.

29) Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals are the lowest of the NFL birds. They can’t fight, and their red plumage makes them easy targets.

28) New Orleans Saints – We apologize to the city and people of New Orleans. We know how much a good ranking would have meant to their city, which has been through so much since 2005, but we cannot justify a high-ranking.  Saints only fight for good causes (poverty, oppression, Irish people) and we don’t think they’d put much of an effort. They wouldn’t be interested in roughing it up with other mascots for NFL team pride. We suggest that they change their name to the New Orleans Katrinas. That would really freak out the opposition. (Too soon? Not soon enough?)

27) Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens may be amongst the smartest birds, but that doesn’t mean shit for these rankings. We suggest they change their name to the Baltimore Omars.

Omar comin'!

26) Green Bay Packers – These are just men and women who are good at packing things. How does that help?

25) Seattle Seahawks – A bird of prey, but really can only win at home by the sea. They don’t travel well.

24) Atlanta Falcons – Another bird of prey that won’t be much of a factor.

23) Pittsburgh Steelers – Unionized, lazy, pieces of shit. They have no weapons save their own sense of blue collar pride, which doesn’t really help in this scenario.

22) Miami Dolphins – Small, quick, mammals who have sex for pleasure. We don’t know if they masturbate, but we’re willing to investigate. Remember Flipper with Paul Hogan and Elijah Wood? We do. We do.

Sweet shades, Frodo.

21) Philadelphia Eagles – They represent America, but we don’t see them going far here. Thankfully, no more birds the rest of the column.

20) Indianapolis Colts – Though fast, Colts are young and inexperienced. They may be good for some trampling, but they don’t know what it means to be a champion yet.

19) Denver Broncos – They are better than the Colts because they have more age and are really good at buckin’.  Also, playing in high altitude really gives them an advantage at home.

18) Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs used to be the fiercest warriors of their Tribes, but now they are old politicians with drinking problems.  I doubt W. or Obama would fare very well in battle. They also got screwed by selling Manhattan for beads and trinkets.  They rank higher than horses because they can use their ties to nature to subdue animals.

17) Houston Texans – These are just regular citizens, but ones with a penchant for carrying small firearms and approving the death penalty. They’re tough for civilians, but don’t have what it takes to go all the way.

16) New England Patriots – They are brave, quick, and have no qualms about dumping perfectly good tea into a harbor. Sadly, their outdated weaponry (muskets) will hold them back this season.

15) San Francisco 49ers – These guys are our wild cards. They’re crazy drunks with a vernacular all their own. The 49ers are especially hungry this year because they’re out of gold. They sent it all to that Cash 4 Gold place. They thought it would be an easy way to make money, but they were dead wrong.

14) Washington Redskins – These are the toughest Indians. They’ll scalp you, shoot you with an arrow, and possibly burn down your wagon train. Fearless. Sadly, their spirits have soured due to years of living in Washington. They used to believe in hope and change, but now they’ve realized nothing ever changes and most people just stand around drinking coffee. We do applaud them for having a racist name, though.

I'm an Indian outlaw. Half Cherokee and Choctaw. Don't fuck with me, man.

13) Dallas Cowboys – Their six-shooters and bitchin’ spurs make them a formidable opposition. They’re cocky and tend to overvalue their own importance because they live in Texas. This cockiness could be their Achilles heel.

12) St. Louis Rams – They’ll knock the shit out of the opposition, but will only go so far because anyone with a solid weapon or an animal with sharp teeth will easily defeat them.  We think they’re related to goats in someway, so they might eat cans, which we figure is kinda cool.

11) Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jaguars are quick and agile, but they actually come from Central America, which tends to make them disorganized and drugged out. They change captains once a week and smell like tacos.

10) Carolina Panthers – They’re fierce and fast, but years of smoking cigarettes and watching NASCAR have made them a little too docile.

9) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Yes, they’re tough, but they are little too “fancy.” Gold teeth, wild earring, and mascara. Do they want to win or do they want to sail around and look pretty? I don’t know.

8 Chicago Bears – Bears are large and good at climbing trees, but they tend to be more scared of their opponents than their opponents are scared of them. If you leave food outside your tent while camping Bears will eat your food, but that doesn’t matter here.

7) Detroit Lions – They could be better, but they’re cocky and tend to walk around as if they’re some sort of Lion King. Also, living in Detroit has depressed them because of its failing economy and the cancellation of Dan Akroyd’s short-lived, but much-loved series SOUL MAN.

6) Cincinnati Bengals – They’re larger and less lethargic than the Lions. Chris T is biased here (WHO-DEY!), but it’s not that bad because we only ranked them number 6.

5) Oakland Raiders – These guys are pretty bad ass. They have cool eye patches… Eye patches! They seriously don’t give a fuck, but that can also backfire. They tend to turn on each other. They ARRRRRn’t going to win this season.

4) Minnesota Vikings – Even tougher and crazier than the Raiders. They’ll pillage, plunder, and rape, and not necessarily in that order. They’ll go far, but eventually lose out to much larger competition.

3) New York Giants – These dudes are big, but young. They have all the talent in the world, but tend to die early of enlarged hearts and general bigness.

2) Tennessee Titans – Superhumans, amazingly powerful, and they look great in 3D.

1) New York Jets – They are going to fly through the competition, literally. And, being from New York, they’ll never underestimate how much destruction they can truly cause.

There you have it. Stay tuned to CCTT for all your NFL needs.




One response

10 08 2010
Patrick Rifle Mucha

Great job. I can’t believe you ranked the Old Skids last. Best name ever.

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