Your Sloth is a Communist Spy!!

12 08 2010

For those of you that don’t know, the sloth is a two or three fingered freak of nature cultivated and trained by Communist Russia to instigate the downfall of America during the Cold War. For most, the sloth is simply a cute distraction from their otherwise boring life. A furry creature of such weird design that one forgets his rising debt and shrinking sperm pool. But this is a facade! The sloth is the most cunning spy of the 20th century. More deadly to the American spirit than a million nuclear weapons. Created in the mid 1950s by Communist Russia in the Ganges mountains, sloths are designed to lull Americans into a world of apathy and blind commie-equality.

Sloths are the slowest known mammal alive. They are so slow moving that moss grows on them. So lazy that they go to the ground to urinate and defecate about once a week. Once a week! These diabolical bastards! Most Americans go to the bathroom seven times a day – three just for poops. An American following their lead would become lazy and complacent, living a life of apathy and doo-doo filled jeans. Video tape records seized from the Russian scientist, Ivan Medaviv, prove that an individual that spends more than five hours with a sloth will adopt their apathetic, slow moving life and die within two days.

Sloths are also herbivores and have about a quarter as much muscle tissue as other animals of similar weight. (Which seems strange for an animal who’s stomach contains multiple compartments – mostly likely hiding the missles and C4.) When brainwashed by the lounging lifestyle of the sloth, the common US soldier would lose all desire to fight. Leaving us ripe for the sickle and hammer that every Russian carries in their fanny pack. If the Communists had their way, they’d slow us to a crawl so that moss could grow over the American spirit.

“A sloth always looks like it’s smiling because it’s always plotting against you. It is not the speed of it’s body, but the speed of it’s mind that one must fear – the sloth has nothing but time… It’s disarming in that it looks like that guy from high school with the hemp clothing, red eyes, and blue rock jewelry; but the sloth wasn’t smoking weed in his Volkswagen, he was burying plutonium until the time is right.”

–Excerpt from the personal memoirs of Ivan Medaviv




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