5 Upcoming NFL Scandals

22 08 2010

At CCTT we like to consider ourselves NFL experts. We’re also seers. We’re what Nostradamus would have been if he had a website, but better. Here’s our predictions for upcoming NFL scandals.

1) Ben Roethlisberger Rapes Hines Ward

Big Ben has been raping up a storm lately. He rapes who he wants when he wants. Hines Ward will be targeted because of his shiny head and permanent grin. They call to Roethlisberger. He cannot resist.

Pre-rape

Post-rape

2) Adrian Peterson Wins Emmy for phoned-in ENTOURAGE Cameo

AP’s victory will be the biggest scandal in Hollywood since the plot of Hancock. Peterson played himself and that little extra he brought to the role sealed the win. The voters were enthralled with AP’s story arc of buying and selling a Dinosaur head. Alec Baldwin was Peterson’s main competition in the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series category. Baldwin will be super pissed and will walk around with his shirt off afterwards. He figures that even though he didn’t win he still has a really hairy chest.

Acting!


3) Antonio Cromartie Does Not Father Another Child

Anyone who saw last week’s HARD KNOCKS knows that Cromartie has at least seventeen children by twenty-two different women. Cromartie is well on his way to making Shawn Kemp (7 Kids, 6 Women) look like Father of the Year. Cromartie will reverse the trend this Fall and not father a single child. People will wonder if he’s depressed, on drugs, or possibly dead and being replaced by some sort of cyber being that looks and talks like Cromartie, but can’t make little Cromarties. It will be a big deal.

4) Joe Namath Relapses and Kisses Fireman Ed

For a while it appeared that Joe Namath had beaten his demons and would never try to drunkenly kiss someone again. Sadly, this will not happen. Namath will go on a week long drinking binge that will culminate with him trying to make out with Fireman Ed during their September 19th matchup with New England. It will be taped by Bill Belichick who lords it over New Yorkers for the rest of their lives.

"Namath came on to me! Everyone saw it. It wasn't the other way around. Why won't anyone believe me!?"

5) Vikings Beg Tarvaris Jackson to return their team copy of BIG LOVE season 2.

Three anonymous Vikings players will show up at Jackson’s doorstep and plead with him to return. They really want to finish season 2 of Big Love and Jackson is the player holding them up. Yes, they could buy it themselves, but then they’d be wasting money when Jackson is perfectly capable of bringing his copy. They’ll tell Jackson that “he’s their guy” and then invite Brett Favre to watch with them instead.

Look for these 5 things to happen this season. You’re welcome.

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