CCTT Interviews Elin Nordegren

26 08 2010

Elin Nordegren’s finalized divorce from PGA Tour megastar Tiger Woods has been a news sensation this week. She gave her first interview to People magazine, but she wasn’t done talking. That’s why she called me and I was happy to oblige.

Elin Nordegren: The World's Fourth Richest MILF

J: Elin, thanks for speaking with me today. I know things have been very difficult for you and your family these last nine months.

E: No problem. It feels good to talk.

J: That’s great. Let’s begin. You’re from Sweden, correct?

E: Yep.

J: With that established, I must ask what Ace of Base song currently defines your mood best? “All That She Wants(Is Another Baby)” or “Don’t Turn Around”?

E: Is “The Sign” an option?

J: Absolutely not.

E: Okay. Well, “All That She Wants” is about is about a girl who is always looking for a new lover and that definitely doesn’t apply to me.

J: Woah, woah. Wait a second. I thought “All That She Wants” was about a girl who was constantly trying to have more babies. Hence the line, “All that she wants is another baby.”

E: No. That was just something really stupid Americans thought. But to answer your question I’d have to go with “Don’t Turn Around” because my heart, much like the song’s protagonist, is still very much broken.

J: I guess that makes sense. Are there any other A of B songs you’d like to relate to your personal life?

E: Is this interview going to be consist solely of Ace of Base related questions?

J: No. Well, at least not anymore.

E: Good.

J: So, have you thought of any good ways of getting back at Tiger for all the public shame he’s caused you and your family?

E: Revenge isn’t on my mind at all. My only concern is the well-being of my children. My children–

J: Sorry to interrupt, but I was thinking that you should have an affair with John Daly.

Sup, Elin?

E: Are you serious?

J: Deadly. Think about it. John Daly is pretty fucking gross. Think about how disturbed Tiger would be? He’d be your answer to the Perkins waitress, but times a million. JD is the atomic bomb of flings. Tiger would be trying to work on his game, but he’d keep imaging this scenario: John Daly lights a post-coital Marlboro Red. You’re looking for your underwear only to find them underneath a month old Little Caesars box. Upon finding them, JD says, “Pizza, Pizza” and winks at you. Don’t you think that would totally mess with Tiger’s head?

E: That’s really disturbing. And, like I said, my main focus is on my children.

J: But John Daly knows all about children! He has at least five that he knows of. He’d be great with your kids and you’d be great with his.

E: Well now I’m confused. Are you suggesting I have an affair with him or actually start dating him?

J: Either option would be fine with me.

E: Neither of those will ever come true. I find John Daly repellent.

J: Wow. It’s a good thing John Daly can’t read because you would have really hurt his feelings. MOVING ON! What do you think of Tiger’s recent struggles on the golf course?

E: I haven’t given it much thought.

J: I have and I figure it must be pretty difficult to putt when you’re about to lose 200 million dollars! Zing! Up top!

E: Excuse me?

J: Oh, shit. I forgot that we were on the phone. I wanted to give you a high-five because of my kick-ass joke. I got confused. My bad, just in the zone.

E: Oh, okay. I guess I would have thought it was funnier if it wasn’t at the expense of my personal life.

J: Elin! That’s no way to talk. Laughter is the best medicine. Have you seen Patch Adams? Because if you haven’t I highly recommend it.

Sup, Elin?

E: I don’t have time for movies right now. My children require all my attention.

J: Sheesh! I swear if you mention your children one more time I’ll end this interview.

E: Sounds good to me.

J: I’m sorry, Elin. I’ve been a little jumpy today because I haven’t been meditating much lately.

E: Is that another joke?

J: I never joke about meditation.

E: Okay. Well, I have time for one more question.

J: Cool. Well, this is something that should interest a lot of Americans.

E: Sure.

J: All right. Here goes nothing. What do you think the chances are of an ex-model, newly divorced, Swedish millionaire dating a guy like me.

E: Not good. Goodbye.

J: Goodbye…Elin.

CCTT would like to thank Elin Nordegren for taking the time to speak with us. She was forthright and interesting. Sadly, we did not get to discuss which ABBA song best defines her current life outlook. I’m going to give her “Mamma Mia” because of her soon to be relationship with John Daly. I know she was hard on JD, but I’m sure she’ll be singing a different tune soon enough. Also, if you watch the video below I think you’ll find a certain resemblance between John Daly’s hair in 1992 and that of BjornUlvaeus. Bjorn played guitar for ABBA. John Daly also plays guitar. Coincidence? I think not.

Sup, Elin?

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7 09 2010
CCTT Interviews Darrelle Revis « COUNTRY COME TO TOWN

[…] No problem. I saw the article y’all did with Tiger’s wife (http://ccttproductions.com/2010/08/26/cctt-interviews-elin-nordegren/). And I thought it was pretty fair. Actually, I guess she’s his ex-wife now. (Laughs) […]

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