CCTT Interviews Darrelle Revis

7 09 2010

Darrelle Revis’ holdout has been the main focus of the NFL’s off season. On September 6th Revis ended his holdout and signed a new contract with the NY Jets. After this Revis called me up and we had a brief conversation about football, love, and Star Wars.

Revis with Rex Ryan, his really fat coach

Me: Thanks for speaking with me today, Darrelle.

DR: No problem. I saw the article y’all did with Tiger’s wife. And I thought it was pretty fair. Actually, I guess she’s his ex-wife now. (Laughs) Oops!

Me: So you think Tiger and Elin’s divorce is funny?

DR: No. Not at all. That was just nervous laughter.

Me: I make you nervous? Wow. Cool. Have you been watching this season’s HARD KNOCKS?

DR: No.

Me: Really? It’s been pretty good and you do know that it’s about the Jets, right?

DR: I’m aware, but I didn’t feel comfortable watching it when my contract situation wasn’t resolved.

Me: That’s too bad. There was this one part where Rex Ryan yelled at the team for playing shitty and then finished by shouting, “Now let’s go get a fucking snack!” It was pretty awesome. That guy loves food.

DR: He sure does.

Me: Do you think having a coach that is so fat is a good thing or a bad thing?

DR: Well, the results really speak for themselves.

Me: Not really. Romeo Crenell was fat as shit and the Browns still sucked.

DR: I meant that the Jets’ results speak for themselves. Rex has really improved the team. We made it to the AFC championship game last season and hopefully we’ll be better next year.

Me: Your nickname is Darrelle “General Grievous” Revis.

DR: It is?

Me: Well I just assumed people called you that because it rhymes and, like General Grievous, you’re very ruthless. No receiver plays well when they face you.

DR: Hmm. Well I’ve never heard of this “General Grievous”–

Me: He’s from Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. It was definitely the best of the prequels.

DR: I’m not into Star Wars stuff. I’ve always thought it was kind of lame. Grown men getting all excited about light sabres and shit. What is up with that?

Me: What is up is that Star Wars is awesome and you’re a big jerk!

DR: Hey there. Calm down, Jeff. Not everyone likes Star Wars.

Me: They should.

DR: Would it make you happy if I promised to watch the movies?

Me: Yes.

DR: All right then. It’s settled. I’ll watch one and we can continue on with the interview.

Me: (choked up) Sure, sure. Thanks, Darrelle. Hold on a second. Let me collect myself.

DR: Take as long as you want.

Me: Okay. You’re wikipedia page doesn’t have a “Personal Life” section. What are you trying to hide?

DR: Hide?

Me: Have you been arrested a bunch of times? Do you have a lot illegitimate children? Are you gay?

DR: This interview’s over.

Me: Are you still going to watch Star Wars?

DR: No.

Thanks again to Darrelle Revis. We wish him luck in the upcoming season.

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