CCTT Interviews Lady Gaga

15 09 2010

Lady Gaga has been making headlines for her music and unique fashion sense for a couple of years now. We at CCTT were humbled when she decided to grant us an interview.

Lady Gaga

J: Thanks for speaking with me today.

LG: You are welcome.

J: Let’s start off topical. Where’s the beef?

LG: Huh?

J: You know, where’s the beef? Haha.

LG: Still not following you.

J: It was, uh, a Wendy’s commercial in the 1980s. I thought you’d remember it and then relate it to that crazy-ass Beef dress you wore at Sunday’s VMAs. I’m sorry, that was stupid.

LG. You are forgiven.

J: Moving on. You’re real name is Stephani Germanotta. How did you come up with Lady Gaga?

LG: Well then I must question you first. What sound does a baby make?

J: Goo-goo.

LG: And…?

J: Oh, Ga-ga.

LG: Exactly. It’s a synchronization of two diverse life forms. A baby, Gaga and a “Lady” or a woman of high birth and sophistication. I combine the purity and innate life force of an infant with the heightened regal qualities of a duchess. In between these two beings you find genius, or Lady Gaga. Obviously, a baby can’t create art for mass consumption, but neither can a Lady. The baby lacks the facilities while the Lady is unable to connect with the common man, but if we combine the two we get me: Lady Gaga, artist, genius, sex.

J: Hmm. That kind of sounds made up? Is it? You can tell me.

LG: Actually. It is.

J: I knew it. Lady Gaga. Spill Your Guts.

LG: Okay. Here’s the truth. Me and this old boyfriend–

J: His name?

LG: Bill Krakowski. Anyway, we’d just finished off a case of Southpaw and were both wasted as shit. I get up and head to the pisser and he says , “Hey! Lady!” And then I’m all like, “Don’t call me a lady!” He looks at me and said, “lady” again and then passed out and immediately began snoring. The sound of the snores combined with the vocal stylings of the breath that passed through his mustache, and mind you he had one of those serious Polak mustaches, made the sound “Ga-ga, ga-ga, ga-ga.” It hit me then and there. I was now Lady Gaga.

This is Lech Walesa, founder of the Polish anti-communist movement Solidarity. It's possible that at some point in the early 2000s he came to America, changed his name to Bill Krakowski, and dated Lady Gaga.

J: What did you do then?

LG: I got my car keys and hauled ass out of that Days Inn parking lot.

J: Weren’t you drunk?

LG: Drunk like a fox! I was on a mission. I got to New York City at 9 AM the next morning and started writing songs.

J: Wow, that’s inspiring. Why haven’t you told that to anyone before?

LG: Hmm. I’m not sure. Image, I guess.

J: Image is nothing, thirst is everything.

LG: Sprite!

J: What!? You remember that commercial, but you don’t remember the “Where’s the beef?” lady? Now I’m pissed.

LG: Oh, sorry. Should we end the interview?

J: I think so.

So thanks to Lady Gaga. We’re honored that she decided to tell us the true origins of the name Lady Gaga, but we here at CCTT think she would be just as popular if she’d kept Stefani Germanotta. And now for your viewing pleasure is a Sprite commercial from 1999, which is severely dated due to Juwan Howard’s presence.




One response

16 09 2010

man, I knew that skank was hiding something.

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