Jersey Shore: Notable I.F.F. Presidents

17 09 2010

Today will forever be known as Black Thursday. There wasn’t a new JERSEY SHORE. We’ll have to wait until next Thursday for the season finale. Fear not, though, because CCTT has done some historical research and is providing our faithful with some insights into past I’m Fucked Foundation Presidents.

King David 990BC

David was possibly the first I.F.F President. In the early days of Israel, King David saw a beautiful woman named Bathsheba. (Incidentally, I tried to market a bath time sex toy for men called the “Bath Sheba” a few years back. It didn’t take) Bathsheba was beautiful and David wanted her badly. Unfortunately, she was married to the Israeli soldier Uriah. This didn’t stop David, though. He managed to charm her, probably by telling her that he was the king. That’s usually a pretty good move. They slept together and it was pretty good. David thought he was in the clear, but whoa and behold she was pregnant. How could King David fuck himself so royally? Remember this was the time before Citgo station bathrooms. His only option was pulling out and as king he most likely thought it beneath him. Anyway, David was fucked and needed to figure something out he called Uriah back from battle in the hopes that Uriah would sleep with Bathsheba thus concealing the true father. What David failed to plan on was Uriah’s genuine decency. He thought it would be inappropriate to sleep with his wife while his men slept on the ground somewhere. I’m King David and I’m the President of I.F.F. We like to think that Goliath was laughing in his massive grave.

Solution: Uriah ended up dying in battle and the baby ended up dying after birth. Not the most noble way to relieve oneself of the I.F.F. presidency, but it was something.

Henry VIII 1535-1536

So fucked that he had to wear a cut the 16th century!

Henry became the I.F.F. President shortly after turning the religious and social order of 16th century England on its head so he could marry Anne Boelyn. Henry thought he had it made in the shade. He was the head of the church and the state and he had a new wife who would assuredly give him a son. There was only one problem: she wouldn’t provide him this male heir. She tried and tried, but simply could not. Henry VIII was now the president of I.F.F. He’d changed everything to make sure things would go his way, but it blew up in his face. We like to think that the Pope was laughing his ass off at this point. Pope’s back then were much more political and had much darker senses of humor.

Solution: Henry trumped up a bunch of charges against Anne and her entire family and had her executed. That’s one way to pass on the I.F.F. torch. We don’t recommend it for modern folks unless you’re the dictator of a small African nation and can get away with that kind of thing.

Bill Clinton Summer of 1998

Former President Clinton had it made for a long time. He constantly cheated on his wife without any major consequences. She probably even knew about it, but didn’t care because politics had to take precedent over fidelity. He made it to the white house philandering the entire way, but there he met a plump, young intern named Monica Lewinsky. They got along pretty well at first. She’d give him beejers in the oval office while he smoked a nice, vag-dipped cigars. It was great! As always, though, things went to shit. He got some jessup on a black dress and an entire investigation started. He lied, oh how he lied, but eventually had to admit to having an “improper physical relationship” with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. It sucked. He was publicly embarrassed and was almost forced to vacate the White House. He was simultaneously President of the United States of America and I.F.F. George H.W. Bush thought this was pretty great.

Solution: He was saved by former President Thomas Jefferson’s love children with his slave Sally Hemmings. Clinton is now the most beloved ex-president (even more than Jimmy Carter) and most likely still sleeps around.

Thomas Jefferson’s Ghost Fall of 1998

Jefferson looks at flowers, thinks about how fucked he is

Thomas Jefferson was having a great time in heaven. Everybody loved him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and spoke French. One day, during a lively discussion with Rosseau, Descartes, and Locke a news flash came over HTN (Heaven Television Network) that Jefferson had multiple children with his former slave Sally Hemmings. Jefferson, usually eloquent, turned a darker shade of pale and kind of stammered. Locke looked at him with much disgust and said, “Dude, don’t shit where you eat.” The fact that Jefferson owned slaves and had sex with them was too much for his dead philosophical brethren. They ditched him and he was forced to hang out with Millard Fillmore and William McKinley: the A.V. Club of dead American presidents. He was now at the top of I.F.F., which gave new meaning to the term “Mr. President.”

Solution: This being heaven there really wasn’t much he could do to relinquish his post. He pretty much stood around by himself until 9/11. After that everyone pretty much forgot about the whole Sally Hemmings thing.

Ronnie from JERSEY SHORE Spring 2010

Ronnie, like all past I.F.F. presidents, had it all going on. He had a steady girl at home while he was motor boating bitches on the side. His girlfriend Sammi had suspicions, but no real proof of Ronnie’s double life until she receive an anonymous letter. She was irate and hated him. Ronnie was now the President of I.F.F. He tried everything; telling her that weren’t actually dating so his actions weren’t wrong, gelling his hair, and lifting weights. Nothing worked. He was stuck. He was fucked. He was the president of the I.F.F.

Solution: Ironically, the anonymous letter that caused the strife to begin with ended up fixing Ronnie’s problem. Sammi desperately wanted to know who wrote the letter and when she found out it was JWoww and Snooki she ended up getting in a big fight with JWoww and hitting her in the face. After this Ronnie was no longer the President of I.F.F, but only a roided up shoulder to lean on.

Vinny Winter of 2011

We’re speculating here, but we think that Angelina, now that she’s not going to be on season 3, is going to show up at Vinny’s doorstep holding a really fat, (Angelina’s genes) well endowed (Vinny’s genes) baby boy. This will turn his world upside down and make him the new President of I.F.F.

Solution: After a couple of weeks a paternity test will reveal that the baby’s real father is Uncle Nino. Vinny will no longer be the president of I.F.F., but Uncle Nino won’t be either. Uncle Nino will actually think it’s pretty cool and name the baby Nino, Jr.

*The author of this post was frightened by a pillow during its writing. True story.




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