Jersey Shore, Season 2, Episode 9

24 09 2010

For some reason I thought this was the season finale. Fortunately, for myself and America, it was not.

The Episode

– “It’s like I got kicked in the stomach.” Vinny on his girl, Ramona (yes, her name is Ramona), not showing up for their date. After he said this he took a sip from his red solo cup and winced, indicating the great amount of physical and emotional pain he was enduring. I can relate to Vinny. Sometimes I meet a girl once and only for an hour and fall madly in love with her, just to have her stand me up. It’s brutal.

– “I got my wish. I got my wish.” Jose on being with Angelina as a birthday wish come true. Seriously? Angelina? (pic of Angelina, then page break possibly)

"Thanks for the Fossil watch Jose."

– “Jose’s definitely getting played…like a piano.” Ronnie on Angelina playing Jose like a piano. Ronnie’s killer pause really sold the simile. I’d feel worse for Jose if he hadn’t admitted that simply spending time with Angelina was a wish come true. Imagine if he had cancer and was part of a Guido Make a Wish Foundation. He’d tell his caretaker this dream and she’d respond with, “It’s not my place to tell anyone what to wish for, but you are dying Jose. You may want to set the bar a bit higher. You only die once. It’s best to make it count.”

– Everyone comes back from dinner and Vinny is sitting in the same spot with the same red solo cup. It’s possible that Vinny’s red solo cup is some sort of M. Night Shamalyn-esque detail that indicates that Ramona only exists in Vinny’s head. In the season finale Vinny may say, “I see dead Guidettes…and some of them don’t even know they’re dead.” Hopefully, at this point, for some reason, it would be revealed that Angelina has been dead this whole time.

– “My children, Mike’s children,…Shnookie juice.” Ronnie on the possible juices one may encounter in “The Smush Room.” Also, we love the way Ronnie says “Shnookie.”

– “It was that time of the month for me.” Angelina on her menstruation. No one wants to know about that, Angelina. Seriously, just stop now and definitely don’t leave a maxi-pad on the bathroom floor later in the episode.

– “I’m waiting, baby” Jose to Angelina when they laid together in The Smush Room. They didn’t have sex, but Angelina lied and said they did. We’re not sure why, though. Also, this is the first time in American history someone has lied about actually having sex with a guy named Jose. Usually they do the opposite. “Jose? No. Do you think I’d bang a dude named Jose?”

– “That’s a Situation move.” The Situation on Angelina sleeping with both Vinny and Jose in a 24 hour window. Even though Angelina lied about the smushing, The Situation is still covered because both having sex with multiple partners in a short time frame and lying about having sex with multiple partners in a short time frame are both “Situation moves.”

– “Uggh!” CCTT co-founder Mike on JWoww coming out in the morning in glasses and without makeup. It was gross.

– Snooki needed to wake up for her 2oo dollar manicure, but was still sleeping. Pauly ran in and pulled her out of bed via the covers. This reminded me of the first Real World:Los Angeles when the comedian David pulled out that lady, who eventually ended up marrying NBA star Kenny Anderson, from bed via the covers. David got kicked off the show immediately. This situation was very different, but it can be taken as an example of how different standards for reality television are now.

– We finally meet JWoww’s boyfriend Tom. He wears a large crucifix necklace. I hope he got it at the same place he got JWoww’s crucifix belly button ring. It would make sense as they’re both equally classy pieces of jewelry.

– “I cleaned my room. I did everything I fucking could.” JWoww to Tom on how she prepared for his visit. JWoww has the logic of a second grader and the fake breasts of an animated porn star.

– “You’re exposing my boob.” Jwoww to Tom when they were fooling around. They then went on to pick each other’s noses and talk about eating boogers. It was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been while watching Jersey Shore. That’s saying something because later in the episode Pauly and Vinny frolicked on the beach together like a newly wed couple.

– “And he knew that if he went home with her that she was gonna bang. Because she had banged Vinny the night bewhore.” The Situation on why Angelina banged Jose, even though she didn’t. Please take note of his not so Freudian slip with the word “bewhore” instead of “before.”

– I’m outside, bro.” Gina, Angelina’s friend from home. This is further proof that Angelina had a sex change.

– “My mom’s my best friend.” Angelina, to the camera, about her mom being her best friend. This really made me think. We know how Angelina treats her roommates and other people she claims are her friends. She lies, talks shit, and hooks up with their sloppy seconds. So we can assume that during Thanksgiving Angelina tells her mom’s sister, Aunt Jackie (short for Jacquelina), that Mrs. Angelina thinks she’s gained a bunch of weight. This leads to a fist fight that culminates in both of the short, fat, hairy, 70-year-old Italian women breathing heavily, staring at each other as sweat drips down from their mustaches. Way to ruin Thanksgiving, Angelina.

– “Are the dresses too tight, maybe?” Angelina’s mom on why Angelina’s crying. A mother always knows.

– “I’m just trying to let everyone know so they put their tee shirts on.” Pauly D on it being “Tee Shirt Time. ESPN’s Bill Simmons suggested that they do a possible spin-off where they separate the boys and the girls. We suggest that they boy’s spin-off be called, “Tee Shirt Time” or “Jersey Shore: Tee Shirt Time.”

– “Samantha: You know I’m Canadian.” “The Situation: Oh, yeah?” Right after he said “Oh, yeah” The Situation lifted up his shirt to show this Canadian his six-pack, or his Situation. This was my favorite moment of the episode and it says a lot about The Situation’s understanding of Canada. It’s like he thought she was an Amazon Rain Forest native who’d never seen technology, but in this case Samantha was the uncultured native and “The Situation” was technology. (pic of his bas with a funny caption about Canada)

You're welcome, Canada

– “Did you get finger banged tonight? Angelina did you get finger banged tonight!?” Pauly asking Angelina if she got fingered by Dennis, Snooki’s ex-one night stand, while dancing with him. If this is true, and I hope it is, this guy is pretty gutsy. You’d think a Guido named Dennis would be pretty shy. You’d think Dennis, surrounded by Mikes, Antonios, and Paulies, would be too meek for a mid-club finger banging. Blessed are the meek. Actually, that’s not apt in this case because Angelina was the finger bangee and no one fingering her could be considered blessed.

– “No Roppa Parra Situation.” The Laundry Lady to the Situation on why his clothes weren’t there. This was an episode highlight as well. The Situation not remembering that he’d picked up his laundry the day before was good, but the Spanish speaking employee breaking out the Espanol took it over the top.

– Samantah, the Canadian, left a note on their front door with her number for The Situation. How did she know where they lived? Who told her and why? It was probably a producer from the show, but I like to pretend that it was the guy who owns the Gelato shop doing The Situation a good turn because he’s the only cast member who seems to work when he’s there.

– Pauly and Vinny went to the beach together. They threw a wildly colored football in the ocean, then moved to beach paddle ball (looked like something you’d get at a Wings), and, the coup de gras, Pauly started burying Vinny’s leg in the sand. It was much more homo-erotic than they realized. Some girls came along to help with the burial, but the ground work is already laid. I think, and hope, that The Smush Room will have its first gay encounter. Just imagine what The Situation would say about that.

– Angelina left a used maxi-pad on the bathroom floor. Bewhore The Situation actually discovered that it was a maxi-pad, our house was under the impression that someone had left a Floater and we were ridiculously excited. He then placed the pad under her pillow. Don’t fuck with The Situation.

– “Garbages!? Are you for real?” The Situation to Angelina in regards to his disbelief that she cleaned. I’m going to start calling our trash “garbages.” “Take out the garbages, dude.” “Have the garbages been taken out yet because I think I dropped my Bagel Bites cupon in there?”

– “Shut your mouth you dirty little hamster.” The Situation to Angelina. This led to her slapping him and the show fading to black.

Tonight’s episode was very quotable if not incredibly strong. Most people thought Snooki and Angelina we’re going to fight this time, but they’ll have to patiently wait till next episode. See you then. We have no choice, but to leave you with this video.

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