Todd’s Taste of the Town in Gainesville! LSU/Florida Edition

25 10 2010

Fans, you deserve better. We are a full two weeks behind on Todd’s Taste of the Town. That’s why you’re getting a new TOTT review three days in a row! Get those appetites ready. So without further adieu…

Florida-LSU

Todd came roaring back last week at the Texas State Fair, so I was hoping he’d ride that momentum into a Chocolate Gravy restaurant (does Chocolate Gravy exist? It doesn’t? We’ll get someone on that). With such an intense SEC matchup between LSU-Florida, Todd had better be bringing it.

So he goes to… an artsy pizza place! Not fancy artsy though. More
like the crazy old artist guy Matt Saracen in Friday Night Light’s
interned with. I couldn’t find a picture of him in FNL, so here is the headshot of the actor who played him.

"Ably played by John Diehl!"

Place – Satchel’s

Location – Gainesville, FL

Dish – “The Major” – A deep dish pizza

Todd starts launching into the history, “Steve Satchel Ray is an artist who happens to love making pizza!” We then witness some sort of sculpture that resembles a compact Rube Goldberg-machine to affirm that yes, this guy is an artist.

I guess that's art.

Anyway, we then see Steve tossing the dough, pouring on the sauce, loading it up with toppings etc. It looks like a fine pizza pie, but who hasn’t seen a pizza being made I bet it’s delicious, but there are great pizza places everywhere. A lard-covered pizza better be served soon to save the integrity of TOTT.

Ok, we then get people eating in a hollowed out VW bus. How kitschy! (Steve the pizza artist is probably going to kick my ass after this review).

"We're in a bus, but we're at restaurant? How droll!"

TOTT is rudely interrupted by Florida taking a kickoff to the house. Hey, ESPN! We’re here for Todd!

We now get to the coup de grâce. The Major – The Deep Dish Pizza. Nothing too ridiculous. It does have a heavily buttered crust and is loaded to the gills with meat and cheese, but still. TOTT is playing it too safe. Every Non-Communist in America would love that pizza. We aren’t paying your tab to eat scrumptious food. We want you to eat crickets injected Cool-Whip. At least the deep dish is the unhealthiest of all pizzas (my spellcheck informed me that “unhealthiest” is not a word. “Most unhealthy” sounds lame though).

Todd gets his pizza and slyly declares, “Now that’s a work of art.” Hands in the audience from everyone that saw that coming.

"That ain't no forgery." Zing!

Let’s grade this bitch (25 points per each category).

Dive / Hole in the Wall Rating – 20. Satchel’s only serves three items: a salad, calzone, and pizza. The less food choices the better. Only accepts cash. The Artist
formerly known as “Steve” also decorated his place with a bunch of random junk, so we’ll throw a few points to that.

Heart Attack Probability – 20. A deep buttery crust loaded with cheese is not recommended by the American Heart Society. Todd also ate their four times during his trip, so he got his fill.

Dish Name 20. “The Major”. We had to glean the name off the restaurant website. Would have given a perfect score if it was called “The Major Payne.” And how come Damon Wayans hasn’t received a lead movie role since the mid-90’s? I’m upset now.

A box-office draw in the mid-90's.

Todd’s Reaction – 18. Todd’s hand was a bit forced with this. The owner is an art aficionado so not going with “That’s a work of art” would have been poor form. Todd, an Announcer and a Gentleman.

78 – This grade is not an indictment of the restaurant, but more on what I want Todd to do. I’d frequent Satchel’s weekly if it was
nearby. We are looking for Shock and Awe. This is ESPN, not the food network.

Love TOTT? Hate it? Let it be known and check in tomorrow!

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