FazzztFood Adventurezzz! – XXL Chalupa Edition

3 11 2010

I know what you’re thinking. Why do this to yourself, Jimmy Fuetaine? Why put yourself through such torture, anguise and self discovery just for the betterment of mankind’s Fast Food Industry? And I say unto you, “I love fast food! I love McDonalds! I love Wendy’s greasy-ass-stupid-square burgers. I even love those retard chicken fries at Burger King – I’m sorry, Margaret, but I do.” This isn’t about me, it’s about you, and it’s about you getting the best from your American Choices. That’s what I believe in. That’s why I’m here.

Today’s Adventure: Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

When approaching the beast, that looked like a cheap hot dog to-go box, the outside being so cheesy as to read, “Big Things Come In Big Packages” I didn’t know at first what to think. But there was hope…

Now, I have a huge dong, so it’s not a dong size related issue that this cheesy slogan offends me so, as it is a play on an old penis joke – which probably isn’t appropriate for the kids eating said chalupa now that I think about it. (Preteens are eating this shit!) Honestly, it’s the fact that this chalupa was anything but that cheesy goodness the commercial promises with its heavy layer of nacho cheese over meat (Exhibit A: HERE — it starts at 22 seconds). So, here’s the first thing Taco Bell, if that is your real name… if you’re gonna have a cheesy commercial and a cheesy saying on your box, you best damn well make sure your fucking weird gimic-taco is as cheesy.

Then, when approaching the creature, I find it to be sprinkled with a loose train of sour cream doo-doo:

The shell was strong, but tender upon biting. I really had no qualms with it I can say. It was crunchy and hard when it had to be but soft and filling when needed, like a good father, or a lonely priest…

The flattened out end, with the 90 degree angle shell was really quite nice, and well designed, surprising it took us this long to grasp its technology, next… The Moon!! Also, the hot dog shaped box being boxy made for a wonderful helper in the inevitable “scooping” battle we all face with tacos. The fallen meat and toppings had nowhere to hide in all those tight corners. On that, I say Bravo TB!

Solid meat to vegetable ratio. Even the sour cream ratio wound up being okay in the end. There were some unidentifiable red things in the chalupa, that alarmed me at first, truth be told:

But they were smothered enough that in the end they didn’t really matter and couldn’t stop me from eating.

Though the shell was seemingly perfect from the get-go, toward the end of the chalupa, I found I was running out of product and eating a fair amount of lonely top-shell as I’ve now come to know it.

But here I am now. Finished. I find myself in a sweet and blissful place, content for the time. I find the XXL chalupa to be surprisingly filling and in the end… a success.

Score: A-




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