Why Won’t Anyone Join My Lower Middle Class Secret Society?

18 11 2010

Dear Guys,

I hate to put this in an e-mail, but I’m getting pretty frustrated. I’ve called and texted all of you and have only received a few responses. I need to know, and preferably soon, whose interested in joining my lower middle class secret society.

I can imagine why some of you are hesitant. You think secret societies are just for rich white men who want to further professional connections. You’re wrong. Those living pay check to pay check with maxed out credit cards and poor health coverage are also entitled to clandestine gatherings where they make up silly rules. Just because you have a second job at Target doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy the same, secret privileges as our nation’s elite. And as far as business connections are concerned you need not worry. Everyone knows Jim McDonald from Midtown Chevrolet, right? Well he’s already told me that he’s in and willing to give the first twenty people who sign up 500 dollars off the sticker price on almost any used vehicle he sells. Secret societies only for the rich and famous my ass.

Still not convinced? Try this on for size. It’s possible you’re worried that friends, neighbors, landlords, and parole officers will treat you different if they find out you’re in a secret society. Duh!!! That’s the whole fucking point! You want your peers to think you know something that they don’t. You may notice people whispering about you while in line at Walmart, but I guarantee you those people will never cheat you out of dry wall ever again.  They’ll fear and respect you too damn much. Also, I’ve already planned our wikipedia page. How about this for an opening line. “Little is known about The Founders Society except that its headquarters are located somewhere in Iowa.” Pretty bad ass, huh?

Oh, and that reminds me of another thing. It’s come to my attention that some of you out there think the name The Founders Society is really pretentious. That may be true, but that’s kind of the idea. The name Skull and Bones is pretty damn gaudy, but it makes you think that those dudes aren’t to be trifled with because it’s possible they had to kill someone and keep their “skull and bones” to gain membership. I’m not suggesting we do anything like that, just a five to ten dollar monthly fee that will help pay for snacks and some cool robes.

I hope all of you seriously consider this as a first step to a new and better kind of life. The Founders Society will rule southern Iowa one day regardless so I suggest you join up now and reap the rewards.




p.s.s. The first person to say, “The first rule of The Founders Society is, you do not talk about The Founders Society” will be thrown out immediately.




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