Chris T. at the Movies – CCTT Movie Reviews!

2 12 2010

During my time at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, I procured a job at our student newspaper, The Daily Tar Heel. The competition was keen, but through my diligent work effort and uncanny knack for uncovering the big story, I ultimately won the coveted position of Head Film Critic. Coming from my humble beginnings as a small-town tobacco picker, I could not fathom the extravagance my new post would bring.

Every week I was ushered off to a new movie premiere. Wanting to avoid negative press, it was not uncommon for stars to cozy up to me in order to obtain a positive review from the esteemed DTH.  I began attending after parties overflowing with foie gras and Chablis. Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I entered into amorous trysts with various starlets. I had a table at every restaurant in Chapel Hill.  Famed Coach Dean Smith didn’t have it any better than I did.

But the fame became too much for this simple farm boy to bear. My drinking curtailed off into alcoholism. I had an insatiable appetite for high-grade cocaine, ecstasy, peyote, and diazepam . I turned my closest friends away and would not answer the door to my modern villa.  On the nights I did not go home with the lead, I would invite over call-girls to hold me while I wept on my satin sheets. When I realized the job had taken over and effectively ruined my life, I quit and entered a private rehab facility.

Me in darker times. I'm on enough valium to take down a rhino.

Flash forward five years to the present: I am substance-free and living an honest life in my quaint home in Burbank, CA. Through the help of God, my family, and friends, I have managed to turnaround a life headed straight to despair into one that I can hang my hat on.

But yet my hunger for reviewing films remained. My talent was undeniable. Reading my column was the equivalent of pouring buttery velvet into your eye sockets.  I could not help wondering if I could somehow revive my career while avoiding temptation at the same time.  After a week of Hollywood galas and premieres, I can safely say I am mature enough to give my trade the respect it deserves. I am humbled to say I am now the Head Film Critic for Country Come to Town Productions.

Enough of my reminiscing. On to my first reviews in five years!  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did writing them.

Movie Reviews for 12/3/10:

BLACK SWAN – Black Sucks.

MEGAMIND – MegaSucks.

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS – Sucks and Other Sucks.

UNSTOPPABLE – UnSuck-able. (Even though it sucks)

THE WARRIOR’S WAY – The Warrior Sucks.

TANGLED – Sucked.

—————————————————————

Ah, I still got it.  Until next week loyal viewers… and I’ll see you… at the movies!

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