CCTT Interviews Kate Middleton

6 12 2010

CCTT was privileged with the honor of speaking to with Kate Middleton today. The future Royal Highness was affable and charming.

JG: Thanks for taking some time out of your day Kate, I mean Your Majesty.

KM: I’m happy to do it, but it isn’t necessary to call me “Your Majesty.” Regardless of what happens with William, I’ll never be Queen of England.

JG: Oh, good. I guess now you can’t stop me from saying this. Poo poo, pee pee, dookie, and uh…farts.

KM: Well now, even if I was Queen I could never actually stop you from employing toilet talk. My only recourse would be to encourage you to behave with greater civility.

JG: What are you implying?

KM: That toilet talk–

JG: Quit saying “toilet talk.” It makes you sound like an old grandmother.

KM: Fine. I’m implying that foul language should always be avoided if possible. And especially if one’s speaking with a stranger.

JG: We’re not strangers, Kate. I’ve already said “pee pee” to you.

KM: Let’s not get bogged down in semantics.

JG: Now look who’s using toilet talk.

KM: Excuse me?

JG: Semantics. Semen. You’re a real piece of work, Middleton. I know you’re never going to be Queen, but still.

KM: No, semantics means something completely different…actually, nevermind.

JG: Good. Next question. Royal wives need a good cause they can get behind and shove down people’s throats. Princess Diana had land mines. I’m not sure if she was for or against land mines, but I know she was interested in that stuff. What will your cause be?

KM: How about teaching manners to uninformed and tacky internet journalists?

JG: Ouch, Kate. Ouch. Let’s move on. Do you know Elton John?

KM: Yes. I’ve met Sir Elton several times.

Kate's future obituarist

JG: Good. Well, now that you’re marrying Prince William you and Elton should get together and discuss what song of his and what lyrics he should alter in the case of your untimely death.

KM: That sounds a tad bit morbid.

JG: Morbid, but important. Think about it this way. You’re off kayaking. You hit yourself in the head with an oar, fall overboard, and tragically die at age 37. Britain is in shambles. Everyone’s miserable and there’s a state funeral. Here’s the problem, though. Elton John hasn’t had enough time to figure out what song he’ll change for your service. He thinks long and hard, but ends up changing all the ‘Saturday’s” in “Saturday Night Alright for Fighting” to ‘Middleton’s.” It’s weird, too upbeat, and makes absolutely no sense. At the end, Elton’s shouting of “Middleton, Middleton, Middleton, Middleton, Middleton” comes off as completely inappropriate and both of your reputations are tarnished forever. Think about that.

KM: Yes, that would be troubling, but–

JG: But nothing. You and Elton need to get a plan as soon as possible. My immediate thought is “Goodbye Kate Middleton” instead of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.” I know the rhythm doesn’t match up at all, but that’s what I’ve got right now.

KM: Hmm, yeah, I’m not going to talk to about that with Sir Elton.

JG: Fine. It’s your funeral…literally. Ha ha ha. I’m so clever.

KM: Yes. Yes you are.

So again, CCTT would like to thank Kate Middleton for speaking with us today. We’ll probably be invited to her wedding and we can tell y’all what it was like when we return.




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