Dear Santa, All I Want for Christmas is you!

8 12 2010

Dear Santa,

My name is Stanley Johnson, I’m 27 years old, and I live alone. I’ve been writing to you for years now and finally mustered up the courage to ask for what I’ve always wanted. Let me give you a hint. It’s big, red, and white all over. Well shucks, Santa. It’s you.

I don’t just want you because you’re a celebrity or because you’re the single most generous person the world has ever known. I’m not interested in your money or the very lucrative marketing rights your spouse would receive upon your eventual death from cardiac arrest. I’d drop everything and follow you if you told me that you wanted to give up the whole Father Christmas thing and settle down to a normal, middle class life. I’m not like all those greedy kids out there. I want you for you.

I can picture it now. You come home from a hard day of selling insurance. You open the door and hang up your hat and coat. Frank Sinatra’s “You’re Just Too Marvelous For Words” echoes from the kitchen and your adoring husband comes out in his Kiss The Cook apron and says, “I’m so glad you’re home, Santa. Dinner will be ready in five minutes.” We would then share a passionate embrace and I’d let you get an early taste of the spaghetti sauce from our classically tasteful wooden spoon. And I’m down for an even cheesier existence if that’s what you want. We could have Taco Tuesdays and Breakfast for Dinner every alternate Wednesday. Whatever you want, Santa.

I’ve thought of everything and that includes how you get rid of that pesky Mrs. Claus. As I see it, she’s getting pretty darn old. We can just replace you with one of those department store Santas and she won’t even notice. Or, if you’re as overcome with love as I think you’ll be, you can tell her straight up that you’ve met someone else whose incredibly special and that you’ll be leaving her. I could be waiting outside your house in a Winnebago, which could take us all around North America. We could stand in Four Corners, visit every Civil War battlefield, and meet my relatives. Santa, we can have it all.

Me, alone, at 4 Corners

Please think about my proposal. I’ve been an awfully good man this year and know that we have what it takes to make it. I love you.


Stanley Johnson




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