Don’t Try to Pull Some “Gift of the Magi” Shit this Christmas

12 12 2010

Dear Scott,

Consider this a preemptive strike. I know what you’ve been reading in that O. Henry short story book, I’ve noticed your constant references to “how tough times are,” and I’ve put up with your constant bemoaning of American commercialism this entire holiday season. If you think you’re going to pull some “Gift of the Magi” shit this Christmas then you’ve got another thing coming.

My suspicion peaked yesterday when that Lexus commercial came on TV. It was the one where that rich, perfectly unshaven Dad bought his rich wife a brand new car while their beautiful and rich kids watched on with dignified glee. You looked up from that damn O. Henry book (where you were presumably reading “The Gift of the Magi”) and commented that, “commercialism is ruining the true meaning of Christmas” and that the advertisement was in, “poor form when one considers the economic state of this country.” I think you should consider the economic state of your dick, Scott. If you give me anything cheap, home-made, or metaphorically sacrificial I will dump you immediately.

Do you even realize how little we actually we know about the husband and wife from “The Gift of the Magi”? We know they had a heart warming and overly sentimental Christmas that one time, but do we know what happened to them after? If I were to write a sequel (and I may if you keep on with this “true meaning of Christmas” shit up) I’d predict that they divorce within a year. And I make that statement knowing full well that divorces were practically unheard of in the early 1900s. I’m thinking she meets a nice fellow on the street who knows the value of an expensive diamond necklace. She leaves the Magi dude and marries the new guy and when her and the new husband aren’t having hot, imaginative sex they take some time to make fun of that stupid Magi thing. What was once thought as charming and sweet is now just a blip on the radar. Do you want to be a blip on my radar? Do you?

Also, if you’re so concerned with commercialism I suggest you either cancel our cable subscription or stop asking for Seinfeld seasons on DVD. I got you seasons 4 and 5 as your gift last Christmas and I’ve never even seen you watch them. And why would you? Seinfeld re-runs are on TV between 6 and 10 times a day. It’s a fucking ridiculous Christmas gift! And your excuse is soo pathetic. “Ehh, I’m Scott and I’m worried that I might not be able to watch “The Puffy Shirt” when I really want to.” Just wait a day and it will be on TBS.

So, in conclusion, if you are thinking about trying to pull some “Gift of the Magi” shit, I seriously suggest you reconsider. I won’t play along. I’m not going to donate my hair to Locks of Love just so you can feel like less of an ass hole. Do you want a good Christmas? Do you want a girlfriend?






One response

21 12 2010
Your a bitch

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU Jennifer.You are a BITCH. Are you off your fucken meds or something you COLD HEARTED bitch.

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