An Open Letter from Jerry Richardson to Andrew Luck

6 01 2011

Dear Andrew Luck,

I’ve heard through the rumor mill that you are considering not entering the NFL Draft this year. The thought being, that by staying at Stanford you would avoid becoming a Carolina Panther. Well, I got news for you buddy. We’re going to be just as bad, if not worse, this year as we were this past season. You’re becoming a Carolina Panther, whether you like it or not.

Maybe you’re reluctant for thinking you have to battle Jimmy Clausen for the starting job, but with your Stanford education I know you couldn’t be that dumb. The second we draft you, the depth chart is being released and you’ll be taking snaps behind our underachieving offensive line in no time. Just imagine all the sacks you’ll take! Remember David Carr in Houston? It’s going to be worse than that. A lot worse.

Your new understudy

And speaking of David Carr, just think of the proud quarterbacking lineage you’ll be joining. Vomit comes to the tip of my tongue when recalling such past Carolina greats as Jake Delhomme, Matt Moore, and Chris Weinke. That old bastard was so terrible we literally had to direct snap it to our running backs. We weren’t running the Wildcat cause it was cool; Weinke was just that fucking bad.

Remember Rodney Peete? No, I didn’t think you would. He was married to Holly Robinson from Hanging with Mr. Cooper. We’re only going to be worse, so at the end of your career you’ll be lucky to get with the fat chick from Mike and Molly, which, God-willing, will still be on the air.

The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. Or so I have read.

You think Kerry Collins was a racist, alcoholic before he came to Carolina? One year here and you’ll be pissing in bars and calling Linebacker Abdul Hodge a dirty terrorist. I can see the headline now: “Racist Panther QB Lucky to Not Be in Jail”

Not even staying two more years at Stanford will save you. We’re drafting number one overall for a looonnng time. I’m the guy who gave Jake Delhomme an extension after the worst playoff performance in NFL History. Don’t think I won’t dig up Vinny Testeverde’s corpse and shove him behind center. It will be like Weekend at Bernie’s, but even less funny. If you don’t come out now, I will make it my personal mission to sabotage this franchise…even more.

There’s been talk about revamping our ridiculously 90’s logo. Not gonna happen. Fan morale is awfully low, but I think we can go lower. That’s why I hired KC and Jo-Jo to be our artists-in-residence, singing every National Anthem and performing their one and only hit, “All My Life”, at every home game, driving our already dwindling fan base to NASCAR, and possibly, semi-professional soccer.

And don’t even think about tanking your next year or getting injured. J-Rich holds grudges. We will still draft you even if you’re a paraplegic. You’ll be the pathetic poster child of this dying franchise. There’s no way out. I’m an old and bitter man. When I see something I want I go after it with all my resources. I want you, Andrew Luck. Welcome to Carolina. Meow!




5 responses

6 01 2011
Kevin Parker

Funny Stuff, honestly it may be the greatest faux statement in the history of the internet. Holla at your boi!

6 01 2011
Kevin Parker

I am Kevin Parker a fleet mechanic at a Pepsi Cola franchise in Pennsauken NJ. I am a lone Carolina Panthers fan in a warehouse of 500 drunk,drug abusing Eagles fans. This story actually made this brotha smile! Holla at your boi!

6 01 2011

this is as funny as it is sadly true. well done! holla at your boi!

10 01 2011

charlie whitehurst would be a big draw for carolina — he is no loser
he has just had to sit behind rivers
I think he is a leader- and not a bad passer.

19 01 2011
Rex Ryan: “It’s Me vs. Steely McBeam” « COUNTRY COME TO TOWN

[…] Also check out the Carolina Panther’s Owner Open Letter to Andrew Luck: […]

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