Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 1

7 01 2011

January 6th, or Epiphany, is the day Christians celebrate the Three Wise Kings visiting baby Jesus in Bethlehem. It’s no coincidence that MTV decided to air the season three premiere of Jersey Shore on this holy day. JS viewers traveled to Seaside Heights with the seven Wise Kings of our time: Ronnie, Vinny, Pauly D, The Situation, Sammi, JWoww, Snooki, and our new friend Deena. MTV, not known to wade in the murky waters of subtlety, hammered in their Epiphany metaphor by showing the Kings sweet new rides. A new BMW, Cadillac, Range Rover, and Mercedes replaced camels and horses taking the gang to Seaside Heights, New Jersey. It is their savior.

The Episode

Besides the Beamer, Snooki has a new stuffed alligator and an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover. If you can’t travel in style then you might as well not travel at all.

– New Egypt, New Jersey, the home of JS’s newest member: Deena. It’s hard to say if New Egypt was actually founded by Egyptians, but it does seem likely that Deena will have the sex drive of Cleopatra and the musky odor of King Tut.

– “Long Island problems being Tom.” JWoww on her and Tom’s struggling relationship. Good. I’ve sat through two seasons of relationship JWoww and am in dire need of single JWoww. Maybe now she’ll finally rip a guys head off after she has sex with him.

– Snookie explained the various personality traits of the entire gang to Deena on their drive to Seaside. This was necessary because Deena missed every episode of the past two seasons, both reunion shows, and the myriad of club promotion events where she’d meet any of her future roommates. Snooki had to let her know what she was getting in to!

– “We took a giant step from Miami.” Ronnie on his and Sammi’s now steady relationship. He was wearing a tee-shirt that said “Truth” when he said this. Ronnie’s done lying and cheating on Sammi. At first she didn’t believe that he was done philandering, but then he got a “Truth” tee-shirt and she figured everything was okay.

– “I love faux hawks, they’re my best friend.” Deena on her love of faux hawks.

hollar at your boy Deena

– “Yeah mother fuckers! First one’s to arrive at the house!” Ronnie on his and Sammi’s early arrival. You da man, Ron! (drunken golf fan after Tiger Woods tee shot voice)

– “Anyone can stay with us. It’s not going to be awkward.” Sammi on why it won’t be weird for the person who has to share a room with her and her boyfriend Ronnie. In reality it will actually be more awkward than Christmas with Brett and Deena (an actual coincidence) Favre. “Here ya go, Deena. It’s a new cell phone. It takes pictures and everything. Oh. Shit. My bad.”

– “I hope she shits herself when she sees me.” Sammi on her hope that JWoww deficates herself when seeing her. She actually said it twice, which made it that much stranger. When an adult poops themself it doesn’t just ruin their day, it ruins everyone else’s day too.

– “Ron goes into the bathroom and leaves me with the luggage.” Sammi on Ronnie leaving her to awkward in front of JWoww. Ronnie is Country Strong.

– “Yo, Vinny’s mad funny. Like, it’s a cool idea. Shower Caddy’s great, but you’re a dude. So I gotta let everyone know Vinny’s got a Shower Caddy.” Pauly on Vinny’s Shower Caddy. Maybe Pauly’s next in line for a “Truth” tee-shirt.

– “Gremlin look alike” Ronnie on Deena looking like a gremlin.

Judge for yourself

– “Burgers for da boys!” Pauly. Watch Bob’s Burgers this Sunday on Fox at 8.3o PM.

– “I’m like a walking holiday…I’m a blast from the past. (Points at solo cup) This is a blast in a glass.” Deena.

– “If Deena was a holiday she’d definitely be Thanksgiving because she’s got a lot to give and she’s down for a whole lot of stuffing.” The Situation. Over/Under on how long The Situation’s been waiting to say that? I say about 16 weeks. That’s about how long he’s known they’d be filming in Seaside in the summer and that there’d be a new female roommate to replace Angelina. That didn’t make it any less brilliant, though.

– “If you can’t take the heat then get the fuck out of the kitchen.” Deena. Sammi took this heart and left the breakfast nook immediately after Deena spouted this wisdom.

Ronnie: I’m madly in love with you. I’m going to be there for you.

Sammi: Why?

Ronnie: Because you’re my girlfriend. (pause) We’ve come this far…see what happens?

Sammi: Okay

Greatest conversation ever? That’s real love. That’s…Truth.

– “I didn’t know it was a problem.” Vinny on not knowing that sleeping with Snooki’s best friend Ryder was going to be a problem. I guess Snooki has feelings for Vinny and the watermelon in his trousers. Watermelon? Yes, last season Snooki compared Vinny’s penis to a watermelon.

– “So what’s it like being a dental assistant?” Vinny to Deena. Classic. Pure and simple. One of my favorite JS lines of all time. Tension you have been cut.

– “You have a blast in a glass hat?” The Situation to Deena. It turned out that it wasn’t a hat that said, “Blast In a Glass” like I had hoped, but was just some dumb straw cowboy hat. It did lead to Deena putting on the cowboy hat and stripping for The Situation, though. Below is the original Blast in a Glass. Country Strong.


– I would have preferred that The Situation didn’t hit the eject button and proceeded to crash directly into Deena’s Na-Na.

– “That was very audacious of a rookie.” The Situation on Deena’s first episode nudity. I was thinking the same thing right before The Situation said that. It’s as if Deena’s been going to a reality show summer camp for the past six years where teenagers from all around the country come together and learn how to behave on TV. They learn skills such as binge drinking, creating conflict with strangers, non-sensical cursing, and getting naked in front of guys you just met. She may not have won Camper of the Year, but I guarantee she won the camp’s Spirit Award. Deena wants it bad.

– “I’d rather have fucking Angelina back.” Ronnie on preferring Angelina to Deena at this point. Truth?

– Ohh I can feel it…Ahh here it comes…Ohhh!” Pauly in the background while Ronnie, Sammi, JWoww, Snooki, and Deena screamed at each other. Classic Pauly.

– “I will attack you like a squirrel monkey.” Snooki to Sammi. We’re not sure what a Squirrel Monkey is, but we do know that it’s compact and flashes its underwear. In other words, it’s Country Strong.

Tonight’s episode was action packed and quite enjoyable, but we’re slightly concerned that they may be blowing their load too soon. Everyone hate’s each other and they’re already fist fighting. Can they keep up with this rapid pace? We shall see, we shall see. See you next week.

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