Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 2

13 01 2011

I think we can all agree that tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore was on the low end of mediocrity. Episodes that focus on Sammi and Ronnie’s tar pit of a relationship drag the entire mood down. DTF changes from “Down To Fuck” to “Down To Fornicate.” JS at it’s best can be almost X rated fun, but when the Sammi/Ronnie dynamic dominates an episode the show becomes melodrama not worthy of the Lifetime Movie Network. I don’t have a girlfriend (and because I recap JS episodes I won’t be getting one anytime soon, it’s a vicious cycle) I decided to write this episode up anyway.

The Episode

– “You like the boobs?” Deena during her opening titles character introduction. How did I not notice this last episode. This sums up Deena’s character even better than Vinny’s eye brow raise, which claimed the top spot prior.

– “Hey, you all right? Let me see your face.” Ronnie to Sammi after what turned out to be a pretty uneventful fight between her and JWoww. We can thank the giant security guards who broke them up for ruining that one. The show is inching ever closer to becoming the next Jerry Springer show.

– “She’s a female backpack.” Deena on Sammi always being around Ronnie.

– “They’re fucking real as shit. I fucking touched them.” Pauly D on Deena’s real and spectacular breasts. That’s all well and good Pauly, but do you like them?

– “It’s hard to be this cool, you know?” Vinny on his coolness right after he did a tee shirt time rap so lame that it cannot even be mentioned here.

– “I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, and I will hide in a bush.” Snookie on the many ways she can use a bush. I’m glad Snookie’s parents made her take that wilderness survival course when she was fourteen.

– “Yeah, happy anniversary to you, too.” Tom, JWoww’s boyfriend on the phone to JWoww. I’m really hoping they break up over this. I’ve said this many, many times, but we need a single JWoww. She could go up and down Seaside looking for guys who are DTF while beating the ever living shit out of those who aren’t. It could possibly even be a spin off show where JWoww takes steroids, picks up dudes at clubs, and then beats them up when they become impotent due to fright.

– “I know you like this.” The Situation to the random girl who ended up hooking up with Pauly. The Situation was kind of straddling her from behind as he said this. It was pretty creepy, but not as creepy as…

– “You need to open up. Sharing is caring.” The Situation to Vinny who had locked the door while he hooked up with the random girl. Stich was down for a dude threesome.

– “Or me?” “Nah, I’m good.” Deena’s proposition to The Situation and his cold, drunken response. This is especially insulting to Deena considering Sitch was down for crossing swords five minutes prior to this. Also, after Deena said, “Or me?” her and Snooki looked at each other like Deena had just said the greatest thing in the world.

– “She’s like an energizer bunny.” Snooki on Deena’s seemingly constant energy. Though it should be noted this comment derived from Deena waking up ten minutes before noon. Snooki only needs battery powered devices between the hours of 12 PM and 4 AM. I’m glad Snooki’s parents made her go to kinky prostitute camp when she was 14.

– “I was seriously a walking holiday last night.” Deena. She’s got to stop saying this. It’s not going to become a catch phrase.

– “You don’t just come in on Sunday with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches.” Pauly D on why it was messed up for Sammi to walk in with her banana prize and act like missing Sunday dinner wasn’t a big deal.

– “She’s like furniture.” Deena on Sammi’s lameness. This may be true, but I think it’s important to note that if I would pick Deena over Sammi every time if I was forced to use on them as actual furniture. I’m thinking Deena would be like a crappy bean bag one might find in 1990s public university dorm room; undersized, oddly proportioned, and soaked in liquor.

– I hope everyone noticed the wide array of Jersey Shore related tee shirts the gang will be selling this summer. There was “I Love Snooki,” “GTL,” and “This Job is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.” I like the fact that everyone in America enjoys making fun of Angelina.

– “What are you thinking? You’re thinking something. Miami?” Ronnie to Sammi.

– Why are you the only one allowed to hurt?” Ronnie to Sammi. I’m glad Ronnie’s parents sent him to moronic boyfriend camp when he was 15.

– “I’m sick…I’m sick.” Sammi on being sick over the crappy state of her and Ron’s relationship.

You’re not the only one whose feeling under the weather, Sammi. That was an incredibly boring episode. It looks like Sammi may leave mid-season and I hope that happnes sooner than later. See everyone Monday night. Apparently a big part of Martin Luther King Jr’s dream involved seven guidos getting paid to drink, fight, and fornicate during America’s greatest economic crisis since The Great Depression. Free at last, free at last, praise God all mighty we are free at last!




One response

12 03 2012

to Rionn that was wroning want you doing to sammi.

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