Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 3

17 01 2011

Episode 3 was the culmination of a year of deception, drunken smushing, and laying in bed at all hours of the day. Ronnie and Sammi have finally broken up. Actually, it’s not clear if that’s true. They’ll probably tease the break up out a little longer just to torture America for watching Jersey Shore. Look for Ronnie and Sammi to lay in bed three minutes of screen time (17 hours in real life) during episode 4. They’re like the grandparents in the Gene Wilder Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nothing will get Grandpa Joe out of bed except a golden ticket. Hopefully, Pauly D will win a chance to meet the real Ed Hardy soon and can take Ronnie.

The Episode

– “You’re not supposed to eat a potato like that.” Vinny to Snooki as she drunkenly ate a cold, raw potato. This turned out to be quite the aphrodisiac as Snooki attempted to seduce Vinny minutes later. It didn’t work.

-“Seabiscuit” is Snooki’s new term for Vinny’s wang. It doesn’t really make that much sense, though. Not that “Watermelon” did, but Seabiscuit was an undersized horse that won because of its heart, overcoming physical obstacles. Maybe Vinny should be insulted? Maybe he doesn’t care and is just glad that she’d not referring to his wang as Toby Maguire.

– “That’s like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper and then someone takes away the chicken and they’ve left you with salt and pepper.” The Situation on Snooki leaving the “threesome” and so him and Deena could be alone. Sitch wasn’t having this and just laid there telling Deena to, “just relax and enjoy yourself.” He then grudgingly made out with her and was forced to employ a new tactic; Kitchen Ditchen. This is just as complicated as it sounds. You leave a girl in your bed, walk to the kitchen, hang out there for five minutes, and return to find her out of your bed. There will be a Kitchen Ditchen tee-shirt at the store very soon.

– “Stop caring and fuck me, man.” Snooki.

– “I have to poop.” Snooki while she cooled her itchy butt in a mini-fridge. The mini-fridge now has gonorrhea.

– “He didn’t do anything lately.” Situation, assuring Sammi of Ronnie’s faithfulness during the middle of their argument. That’s Classic Situation.

– “I need a mind condom because I’m getting mind fucked.” Ronnie on Sammi’s mind banging. I just hope he knows that Mind Condoms are only 99% effective at preventing Mind STDs and Mind Pregnancies. I think I’m going to teach my kids Mind Abstinence. If you never engage a girl from New Jersey in conversation you’ll never get a headache.

– Sammi ended up apologizing to both Snooki and Deena. They both accepted her apology, but that’s not important right now. What matters is that Pauly checked his watch (Classic Pauly) while she spoke with Snooki and JWoww walked through the room and burped while she talked with Deena. I’m not sure what JWoww was trying to prove with that, but I appreciated her effort.

– So we found out that JWoww has an ex-boyfriend named Roger. Her current boyfriend is named Tom. I guess she likes guys with incredibly ordinary names and friends with nick names so stupid (Joey Yanks and J420) that they’re hardly believable. “This is my new boyfriend Stuart and my oldest friend Nabisco Steve.”

– At Karma JWoww decided that she just “wanted to have fun” so her and Snooki sneaked upstairs and danced together, slapped each others asses, screamed at each other, and sat in silence. JWoww topped off the fun by peeing on the floor. These girls really know how to have a good time.

– “Fire” – Paula, pronounced “Faaaar” in a redenckey as Situation turned on the grill.

– DTF Meter is the guys new thing. It’s a measurement of a girls willingness to sleep with them. Also, it unofficially measures how many times a girl was molested by her uncle.

– “This isn’t like law school. It’s a tee-shirt shop.” Snooki. Foreshadowing.

– So JWoww and Deena’s coffee shop of choice is a place called Bubba’s?

– “I’m a fucking good person.” Snooki as she was being taken away by the cops for public intoxication. Maybe she’s right. In episode 3 she accepted Sammi’s apology, reignited a gross old couple’s sex life, and ate a raw potato.

Episode 4 should deal with the aftermath of Snooki’s arrest and contain two different scenes where Sammi and Ronnie cry together, in bed, during the middle of the afternoon. See you Thursday.

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