Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 4

21 01 2011

Tonight’s episode explored the aftermath of Snooki’s public intoxication, JWoww and Roger’s blossoming love, and we met Dean.

The Episode

– “Is this really happening right now?” A tearful Deena.

– “Ohhh shit, okay, all right. Call me JWoww as soon as you pick her up and get her.” Mr. Snooki, Snooki’s Dad, on the phone to JWoww. This is a pretty unremarkable reaction, but we thought it was important to note that Mr. Snooki doesn’t refer to her as Jenny, but as JWoww. I really wish he’d also said, “Oh, and JWoww. Give my best to J420 and Joey Yanks.”

– “It’s not funny anymore, she has a problem.” Vinny on Snooki’s drinking. That’s not entirely true, Vinny. It’s still kind of funny when she says stuff like, “my vagina’s showing” or “I have to poop.”

– “Free Snooki!” Various characters and a tee-shirt. So did JWoww stop on the way to jail and have the Free Snooki shirt made? Was it already made and was this a giant set up? Was it not actually a set up, but just a shirt the producers made because they knew it was a good possibility that someone would need to wear it on the way to get Snooki out of jail? That would be similar to the NBA making both Lakers and Celtics “2010 NBA Champs” tee shirts before game 7. I’m pretty sure they send the shirts of the losing team to Africa. Maybe if Snooki was never arrested there’d be a bunch of Zambian children wearing “Free Snooki” shirts.

“I couldn’t even tell you how I felt in that jail cell. It was like a fucking phenomenon. I’m not a phenomenon, I’m a fucking train wreck. It wasn’t fun!” Snooki to Mr. Snooki on the phone. There’s only one fun Phenomenon…

– “sandy tits” JWoww and Deena.

– “You know what I think it is? Mother fucking Emilio.” Snooki blaming her boozing on her ex-boyfriend and 5 foot 1 guido dream, Emilio. This is the first time in history someone has had psychological damage caused by a dude named Emilio. Usually it helps people’s self-esteem. “Look at that guy. His name’s Emilio. What an idiot!” It’s more often than not the Emilio’s who have the problems because they’ve been so unfortunately named and are usually really short and stupid. Obviously, except for Emilio Estevez.

– “Faux hawk is like my best thing.” Deena to Dean, Ronnie’s almost Doppelganger. If Ronnie and Sammi ever get a spin off called “Jersey Shore: Bedtime” (where they just lie in bed all day and say retarded shit to each other) then maybe they could replace Ronnie with Dean and not really miss a beat. It wouldn’t be quite as good as the original, but still infinitely watchable. Kind of like Major League 2 where they replaced Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps.

– “Dear Sam, Ronnie hooked up with Deena in the hot tub. In lieu of…” Pauly and Vinny used the fact that Dean was cheating on his girlfriend, who’s also named Sam, to poke fun at the JWoww/Snooki letter fiasco. It was genuinely funny.

– “Men are pigs.” “He kissed my pussy last night, so…” Sammi/Deena. This really embarrassing for Dean. Everyone in the world now knows that he went down on Deena without getting touched by her at all. Getting no reciprocation only works if the girl is a model or famous. That’s why, last summer, I went down on Condoleeza Rice without even getting the slightest tug.

Can I get a little something? No. Okay, that's cool.

– “That’s why I’m leaving your ass. Douche.” JWoww to the duck phone after she hung up with Tom. It’s good that they’re finally breaking up, but if Roger is going to immediately replace Tom then our problem isn’t actually solved. I need JWoww out on the street, pulling in gorillas, and making out with asian girls in clubs.

– “Every time I get really excited, like if we go to a club, I have to shit my pants. If we go to a party I have to shit my pants. If I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to shit my pants. Like I get really excited.” Snooki on how excitement makes her bowels rumble. I feel ya, Snook. I shit my pants before every episode of Jersey Shore.

– “I’ll Roger that.” Pauly as JWoww broke up with Tom. A delicious pun.

– “I don’t even want to know how much he took.” JWoww before she checked her online Pay Pal account. I guess Tom stole money from her, which is really messed up, but in a lot of ways she deserved it. You just don’t forget an anniversary.

Episode 4 was pretty damn solid and I think we all know the reason for that. It was a very light on Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship. We saw them laying in bed when they brought Dean in, but that was it. Good work MTV.

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One response

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