Dear President Obama: Science Fairs Suck Ass

26 01 2011

Barack "Science Fairs are Cool" Obama

Mr. President,

Unlike most Americans I don’t watch The State of the Union Address with the purpose of judging politicians’ outfits or to make clever quips about awkward clapping. I want to learn about and understand the problems that face our great nation. I want to know what direction we’re headed towards. I want the scoop. I learned a lot last night, but what really stuck with me was this statement.

“It’s not just the winner of the Super Bowl who deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the science fair.”

I’ve watched and enjoyed every Super Bowl since 1994, which ironically was the last time I participated in or attended any sort of science fair. I had some free time this afternoon because my Pro Bowl preparation did not take as long as I thought it would (I blocked out four hours, but it only took ten minutes). I headed over to a local elementary school and checked out their science fair. I was pumped and ready to celebrate these tiny, yet important, Americans. After about ten minutes, though, I realized that you were completely wrong and that science fairs suck ass.

The winner, little Emily Hist, did her project on “Foods Containing Starch.” How the hell is that a science project? Are you actually asking me to celebrate a little girl who wasted a perfectly good display board to tell us that potatoes contain starch? Everyone whose ever been on wikipedia or to a McDonalds knows that already. Mr. President, you better call the Chinese and tell them to back the fuck off because we’ve got this shit on lock down.

Are you also aware that it’s considered completely uncouth to gamble at science fairs? Before Miss Hist’s shitty project was announced as the winner, I came to up to a student’s father and said, “Do you want to make this more interesting?” At first he had no idea what I was talking about and I eventually was forced to be rather blunt and ask, “Are you interested in gambling on this shit? Like, look at that fat kid over there with the Tornado in a Bottle project. I’ll put 25 dollars on him crying before the science fair is over.” After explaining that the fat kid was his son and that I was the worst person on earth, the Dad told me that gambling on science fairs was unheard of and morally repugnant. What a stuffed shirt! He may as well have said, “Gambling is illegal at Bushwood and I never slice.” Things kept getting worse after that, Mr. President.

I was getting bored as shit so I headed over to the refreshment table and, surprise surprise, there was no beer and no guacamole. There was some store-brand soda and Baked Lays. Yes, Mr. President, Baked Lays. The Super Bowl is a time where Americans of all races, political persuasions, and sexual orientations get together, drink beer, and eat cheese dip. If you want people to start caring about science fairs you may want to begin with the basics: beer and a variety of snacks that lead to heart disease.

My America

And don’t think I’m not aware that Super Bowls can also be boring. I’m sure your staff is preparing some sort of presentation right now about the 2001 Super Bowl between the Ravens and the Giants. I do remember that it was 34 to 7 and that the game was over before it started, but you’re missing the big picture. If the game is boring you can just get really drunk (which is definitely not possible at a science fair) or, even better, strike up a conversation with an equally bored female party guest. “Hey, this game sure is boring. Want to discuss what commercials you’ve found amusing during the telecast?” Later that night you could be making out in a Ford Taurus. Imagine trying to pull this off at a science fair. “Hey, this science fair sure is boring. Want to hit the parking lot for a joint and come back at the end when they bring out the cookies?” Whack! You’ve just been slapped, Mr. President. Some fourth grader’s mom is so turned off by your lack of interest that she felt compelled to physically strike you. You’ve got a giant red mark on your face and, which is worse, you’ve still got thirty more minutes of science fair to sit through. If this was a Super Bowl party you could shake off the disappointment with beer and taquitos. At a science fair you have to watch some kid demonstrate his volcano, which probably won’t even work. Depressing.

So you see, Mr. President, science fairs can’t win. They simply suck too much ass to make any mark on American culture. I’d rather my grand-children be enslaved by Chinese math wizards than miss a Super Bowl. What would be worse? My grandchild making fortune cookies at gun point or that grandchild know that their grand-father missed the first two hours of Super Bowl pre-game because he was out helping his nephew with something gay for science. If you even have to answer that question you’re not a real American. There’s not room for both science fairs and the Super Bowl, Mr. President and this country has already made its choice.

Freedom Ain’t Free,

Troy Blakeney

Advertisements

Actions

Information

2 responses

27 01 2011
Tweets that mention Dear President Obama: Science Fairs Suck Ass « COUNTRY COME TO TOWN -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Chris Tergliafera, Jeff Garver. Jeff Garver said: CCTT finds a letter with some interesting thoughts regarding Obama's Science Fair claims http://tinyurl.com/4hsfp6h […]

15 03 2011
Edward Ohman

Dear Troy Blakeney,

You are a complete dumbass. You are clearly a worthless piece of shit and it is because of people like you that this country is the way it is. Have some respect for the future leaders of this country. I can already tell you that even at such a young age they are more intelligent and driven that you could ever aspire to be.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: