Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 5

27 01 2011

JWoww and Tom have finally broken up and we can all move on with our lives now. And by that I mean we can all refocus on Ronnie and Sammi’s issues. They’re relationship’s like a guy whose in a coma for 23 hours of the day, but wakes up for one hour to get out of bed and talk about the same thing over and over.

The Episode

– “It makes me want to find Tom and chop his nuts off.” Snooki. Good luck finding him. He took that sweet Pay Pal money and is probably living it up with retired Nazis in Argentina.

– “This is legit the worst break up ever.” JWoww. Yes, JWoww, you and Tom’s demise was bad, but it wasn’t the worst ever. I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman take that award. Unlike Jwoww and Tom, they never got a chance to say goodbye to each other. Poorly worded OJ jokes never get old.

– “Me and Jenni decided to get her a new knob.” Snooki. She was talking about an actual doorknob, but I’m sure she was aware of the double meaning. Roger is JWoww’s new squeeze/knob. She banged Roger later in the episode, but did not rip his head off. I guess that’s a good thing, though, because a decapitated Roger would just be one giant, roided up tattoo.

– Ryder, Snooki’s best friend and Vinny fuck buddy, showed up at Seaside for her 22nd birthday. We think she’s kind of good looking in a normal way. No fake boobs, not a lot of make up, and limited highlights. That’s probably why she wasn’t asked to join the cast. She simply isn’t guido enough to sell to middle America. Some Iowa farmer would be watching JS and be like, “What the hell!? That’s no guido. She’s…uh…normal.” It just wouldn’t work.

– “She’ll show you her c-section.” Ronnie to Sammi. The whole “c-section” thing was to show that the girl in question was his buddy’s girl friend and not some floozie. You know your relationship is on firm ground when strange women have to show up at your house and show you their scarred stomachs just to prove that your boyfriend wasn’t lying.

– “Not a fucking protein shake. Your bringing me pizza. Of all things. Really?” Ronnie on Sammi bringing him pizza to make amends for their fight. The pizza just made things worse and Sammi eventually started packing for home.

– “He just kicked you out of your own room.” The Situation to Sammi as he quickly walked out of the room. Classic Situation.

– “Your tears don’t mean dick to me.” Ronnie to Sammi.

– The Grenade Whistle. Do y’all remember vuvuzuelas? Yeah, me neither, but they were these horns that soccer fans blew during last summer’s 2010 World Cup in South Africa. The JS crew use them to point out ugly girls, but South Africans use them to point out people with AIDS. That’s why they have to blow them for 90 minutes straight whenever they’re in large crowds.

– “The Capulets and the fucking whoever’s.” Vinny on Gina’s relatives coming over to the house to collect her so she wouldn’t stay the night. So I guess Nicky Ducks, Gina’s mobster uncle, is a Montague.

– “And you deserve to be happy.” JWoww to Ronnie.

– “I…I didn’t do anything wrong.” A tearful Ronnie. Ronnie cried a lot this episode. When he wasn’t at the gym or at Karma he was crying. I guess it is true that wild mood swings are a sign of steroid abuse.

– “So you got condoms?” The Situation to a tearful Sammi as she laid in bed. Classic Situation.

– “Wanna meatball?” The Situation to JWoww’s tiniest dog. Classic Situation.

– “Oh God. I’m sorry.” Sammi to Ronnie apologizing for hitting him the face. They broke up, she said she was going to leave the house, everyone cried, and then they got back together. It was quite an emotional roller coaster. I do wish she would have left, though. The only way I could have really tolerated her staying is if they broke up and she told the camera, “I’m going to give new meaning to the word slut.” Also, Sammi’s mom said she was going to come pick her up, but then when Sammi called her in the morning and her mom was still at home. I guess she, like the rest of America, does not give a shit about Sammi.

– “This house needs a stripper pole.” Vinny. Finally.

– Situation: I heard a little story about you today.

Deena: Good or bad?

Situation: It’s in the middle.

Deena eats dude asshole.

Episode 5 was another pretty good installment. Ronnie and Sammi broke up and got back together, JWoww banged Roger, and we learned that Deena eats dude butt. She later said that she would never “suck a butt” and yelled at Dean for starting the rumor, but I don’t believe her. We all know that this girl loves guy butt. Till we meet again.

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