Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 6

3 02 2011

Tonight’s episode was definitively below average. We thought that our long national nightmare was over, but we were wrong. Sam and Ronnie broke up…again.

The Episode

– “Once again. One step forward, two step backs.” Ronnie on his up and down relationship with Sammi. Ronnie’s odd phrasing always shines through during his times of greatest emotional upheaval. Coincidentally, The Step Backs is the name of my Steppenwolf cover band. I sing and my roommate plays on his Casio. We only know “Born to be Wild” so our shows really suck. In honor of Snooki sleeping on a rug in the dog pen we’re considering learning “Magic Carpet Ride.” It will also suck.

– “It says Situation on it.” The Situation on the tee-shirt he gave to the first of two girls he brought back this episode. I’m glad he’s hooking up, but he was wildly unquotable this episode. He’s usually good for a couple well rehearsed lines. Tonight he was off his game, which only focused more light on the Sam/Ron television coffin.

– “Why is Ronnie bleeding out his ass? I have no idea.” Sammi. We later learned that the butt bleeding was due to excessive drinking. I’ve never heard of this before, which makes me suspect that it may be caused by steroids and a bitchy girlfriend. I drink all the time, but you don’t see this single, 98 pound weakling bleeding out of his ass, do you?

– “No one likes the snap of rubber gloves.” Ronnie’s Doctor who was wearing some sort of Hawaiian shirt.

“I hate it when girls say they don’t masturbate.” Deena.

“Dario’s no getting thet golden ticket tonight…Whatever my golden ticket was taken.” Deena. She had sex with Ronnie’s friend Dario after she said she wouldn’t. Dario was later seen walking out of the house in the morning. “Run home, Dario! Run as fast you can!” I think you know what we have to do here.

“That’s why the water is salty. Because of the whale sperm.” Snooki. I wish Teach For America hadn’t turned her down. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

– “You better send roses to the house. You feel me? Roses dawg. With pickles in em. Fried pickles!” Pauly D to Jeff (Snooki’s make out partner) on the phone. Jeff came off as pretty desperate here. He hung out with her once and felt obligated to call four times in a row to apologize for once having a fiance. Who can blame him, though. The girl knows science and loves animals.

– “I got a boner.” Snooki at the sex shop, which was called The Love Shop. Snooki’s boner was caused by JWoww’s scandalous leather outfit. It was actually pretty hot. If I hadn’t wasted all my boners earlier during the girls “masturbation” talk I would have totally got one too. There’s a lesson in that. Don’t waste good boners on idle chatter because you never know what’s coming up next.

– “You selfish bitch!” Ronnie to Sammi. This is only of note because of the venom with which Ronnie spoke. Their re-break up seemed incredibly fake, but the hate seemed incredibly real. Either Ronnie’s taking acting lessons or Sammi’s actually a huge bitch. I definitely know that at least one of those is true.

“I get all my food blessed. You know what I’m saying?” Pauly to Danielle aka The Stalker. Do Jewish people bless all their food? I don’t know, but Pauly probably does because he has that shirt that says “I (heart) Jewish girls.”

– “My relationship with Sam this summer. Big ball of shit.” Ronnie.

– “I need closure, bro.” Sammi to Ronnie. Ronnie needs closure, too. Closure of the butt. But seriously folks, why didn’t they mention that at all? It could have been fun. The Situation and Pauly could have made jokes. There could have been a great scene where Sammi rubbed lotion on Ron’s ass. It would have been hilarious and emotionally affecting. MTV really dropped the ball on this one.

Know that MTV will be airing a Jersey Shore marathon this Sunday during Super Bowl pre-game. It’s a smart counter-programming move, which may just pay off. We can only watch Terry Bradshaw laugh at mystery jokes for so long before we turn to MTV and check out what’s going on in Jersey. Oh, and Howie Long and Pauly have similar haircuts.

Also, there was news that the next season of JS may take in place in Italy. I hope this is their plan. 1) The Situation goes to Sicily. 2) He walks around all day with a bunch of body guards. 3) He meets an Italian girl. 4) He marries Italian girl. 5) She dies in a tragic hair gel explosion. 6) The Situation then returns to Jersey and pretends like nothing happened.




2 responses

4 02 2011
Patrick Rifle Mucha

Top cabin report jeff. I can’t wait till Ronnie shits out his pancreas in Episode 7.

4 02 2011

we’re all waiting for that

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