Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 7

11 02 2011

That’s more like it. The senseless violence toward hair appliances, the tears, and the burping signified a return to form on Jersey Shore. The only thing that could have improved this episode would have been Deena banging either Mike, Pauly, or Vinny. Deena came into the house with something to prove. She showed The Situation her Situation within six hours of meeting him, but she’s yet to sleep with a cast member. What gives?

The Episode

– “He was sloppy, to be honest with you.” The Situation to Sammi concerning Ronnie’s behavior in Miami. Classic Situation. Stirring the pot. He later had to apologize, but his pot stirring helped lay the ground work to the greatest room destruction in television history.

– “I’m mad at him because he instigated my mistakes.” Ronnie on The Situation’s pot stirring with Sammi. Situation later had to apologize, but only did so because he didn’t want Ronnie to roid rage on his assortment of hair products and glittered tee shirts. Classic Situation.

– “Don’t eat the beans.” Snooki to JWoww and Roger who were on their way to a Mexican restaurant. At this very ordinary Mexican restaurant the chef, Jimmy, came out and greeted the couple, which we felt was odd. It would be like a cook at CiCi’s Pizza introducing himself. “My name’s Michael and tonight I’ll be preparing the shittiest pizza you’ve ever had in your entire life.”

– “Be a woman and man up for your fucking shit for once.” Ronnie to Sammi. Ron later showed us later what being a man is truly about.

– “Single Ronnie’s coming out to play tonight.” Ronnie. Let us now reference the Max Power episode of The Simpsons. Isn’t single Ronnie the same as relationship Ronnie? Yes, but quicker.

– “You’re a sick pervert and that’s it.” Sammi to Ronnie during their first fight of the evening. Personally, I’d like to know what she meant by this. Is Ronnie into weird stuff? Weird butt stuff?

– “They’re talking about fucking relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” Pauly. Classic Pauly.

– “I’ve got the smush room tonight.” Ronnie declaring that he’s going out to the club with the intent to hook up.

– “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.” Sammi to Ronnie as she was being held back by the rest of the house. This fight was pretty ridiculous. Ronnie tried to pull the bed out of the room while she was holding on to it “like a spider monkey.” After all my complaining I almost feel like this fight justified the six weeks of Ronnie/Sammi bed laying/arguing we had to deal with. It was the start of a very strong pay off.

– “Smells like vagina.” Snooki on the smell of their room after she, Deena, and Sammi struggled mightily to set up Sammi’s bed in the girls room. Snooki was particularly gross this episode.

– “Sammi, Sammi, Sammi, Sammi…” Deena, chanting off camera, as Sammi danced with the “random hot guy.” We hope everyone noticed the fat bearded guy wearing the fat guy polo shirt who was near Sammi when she first started looking for a dance partner. I wish she would have danced with him. Imagine what Ronnie would have done then? He may have literally killed her or at least killed on JWoww’s dogs due to the insult. “We just broke up and you have the fucking disrespect to dance with some fat fuck in front of my face? At least have the common mother fucking courtesy to dance with someone who looks good. Fucking Dean is over there. He looks just like me. Have some class and dance with Dean. Jesus.”

– “That’s a break up right there.” The Siutation after seeing Ronnie’s complete annihilation of their room. Ronnie was so upset with Sam’s dancing that he attempted to destroy all of her possessions. We know that he broke her glasses and he may have broken some other stuff as well. The guidette shrapnel strewn about the room gives us a clear image of what New Jersey would look like if it was invaded by a foreign or domestic enemy. Broken hair dryers everywhere, half smushed lipstick tubes of varying shades would decorate the streets, and oozing tubes of weird sex gels would destroy suburban lawns.

– “It don’t look healthy, dawg.” The Situation to Ronnie on Ronnie’s destruction of Sammi’s shit. Ronnie Smash.

– “It amazes me that you can do what you’ve done and get away with it like murder. The one time I do something out of spite it’s not okay for you. (burp) This is not okay.” Sammi to Ronnie after she saw their room. That burp was the greatest thing Sammi’s done during the course of the entire series.

– “At least I had enough fucking respect for you to do it to fucking do it when you’re not around.” Ronnie to Sammi on how his cheating on her behind her back was more appropriate than her dancing with a random hot guy in front of his face. I’ve always found Ronnie’s logic to be a source of inspiration. It makes absolutely no sense and it’s completely fueled by steroid use. Cheat, kind of apologize, blame it on girlfriend, and repeat. Flawless.

– “Like porn star hot.” Snooki on JWoww’s leather outfit she wore for Roger. I imagine that Roger felt kind of cheated. The leather sex outfit would have meant more if she just showed it to him instead of doing a little parade around the house for him, Deena, Snooki, and America.

– “Thanks for coming. I see your wiener.” Snooki to the tight shorts guy and his wiener.

– “I can’t heal here.” Sammi on why she had to leave The Shore for real this time.

– “What did I do?” Ronnie. Umm, well, umm, you kind of destroyed all of her possessions, cheated on her, and, uh, verbally abused for months on end. But you’re actually right, though. You didn’t do anything wrong.

– “Cabs are here.” Pauly.

Sammi’s finally gone and I doubt she’ll come back. Let’s hope Ronnie starts drinking and fighting again. Ronnie getting arrested for assault is the only way America will be able to get over their break up. God Speed Ronnie. See you around Sammi. You truly were the sweetest bitch I ever met.




One response

11 02 2011
Patrick Rifle Mucha

dude, spot on. “I’ve always found Ronnie’s logic to be a source of inspiration. It makes absolutely no sense and it’s completely fueled by steroid use.”

So true. This episode really shows us all the dark side of roid abuse.

I hope he does public service announcements in the future.

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