Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 8

18 02 2011

There’s a popular Japanese book called Everyone Poops, which teaches children not to be ashamed of their body’s natural processes. The end goal, I believe, is that a child realizes that pooping is normal and to treat it as such and therefore start using the toilet like a grown person. This lesson was not lost on the Jersey Shore crew. In fact they took it to heart to such an extent that they feel it’s normal to discuss and even cry over their bowel movements. It made for a rather disgusting episode where poop was discussed openly and where poop was even hidden in the subtext of characters non-poop discussion. Everyone poops.

The Episode

“C’mon big dawg. I’m a sit with you. I’m gonna sit you big dawg. It’s good to fucking cry dawg. It’s all good. You know what I mean?” The Situation to Ronnie as Ronnie cried for what would be the first of many times this episode. This was the first of many excellent quotes from The Situation who had a fine return of form after weeks of giving us little material. It’s almost if before he was…clogged up.

– “I’m like a pretty deep dude.” The Situation. This gem came after he provided Ronnie with many ‘keep your chin up’ style platitudes. “Life goes on,” “we all make mistakes,” “everyone poops,” etc…

– “I don’t even want to sleep upstairs.” Ronnie, to the girls, on how he couldn’t fathom the thought of sleeping his room where only to recently he slept every night with Sammi. And where only to recently he destroyed the majority of her possessions in a roided up freak out that would have caused Jim Morrison to blush. We were hoping that Ronnie actually intended on worming his way into sleeping with the girls in their room. For example, “Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t just sleep up there. Uh, is it cool If I chill down here with y’all tonight? I sleep on the floor and stuff, won’t bother anyone and shit.” And then throughout the night Ronnie would attempt to hop into bed with each girl and seduce them in his Ronnie way. Also, if you haven’t seen the Xenadrine commercial you can view it below. It’s a weight loss product that presumably causes ridiculous mood swings and bad tattoo decisions. “Get Xenadrine, get results.”

– “Let’s throw cake in Vinny’s hair.” Deena after deciding, due to boredom, that she and Snooki should throw cake on Vinny’s hair. They actually did it and it was just as hilarious as it sounds.

– “Karma’s a bitch baby.” Deena. So the old ‘Cake in hair’ move started a prank war pitting Pauly and Vinny versus Deena and Snooki. Vinny and Pauly decided to put some poop pads under the girls’ pillows. Well Deena found the pads and pulled the old switcheroo on the guys. As she put the poop pads under their pillows Jersey Shore viewers received their own taste of karma; a shot of Deena’s thong. It was disgusting and only added resonance of Deena’s quote. We were the bitch in karma’s cruel game and seeing her thong almost made us shut off the episode. Almost.

– “Where is Crocadilly…he’s missing!” Snooki on her missing stuffed crocodile, which Vinny had hung off the deck (It was the lamest prank war in TV history). Apparently, Snooki sleeps with it every night. At first I thought I was rather witty and said to myself, “except when she’s getting it in, which is almost every night!” Snooki later revealed that she hadn’t slept with a guy in four months, which really made us feel for the young girl. Four months in Snooki sex time is the equivalent of ten years for a regular person.

– “He clogged the upstairs one and he clogged that one.” Pauly on how Ronnie had clogged two of the house’s toilets. Again, with the poop talk. It’s actually a good thing, though. What Ronnie undertook is what we call a ‘grief dump.’ In the world of poop satisfaction the ‘grief dump’ is second only to the ‘victory dump’ in terms of overall quality and emotional relief. Sammi had just left and Ronnie needed to let his true feelings out. And how!

– “Oh my God I have to poop so bad!” Snooki. She had to wait for the bathroom at their work to open up because Ronnie was in there crying. I guess I was either wrong about the ‘grief dump’ or I misjudged Ronnie’s distress. Don’t worry about Snooki, though. She eventually made that poop and the villagers cheered.

– “I gotta get my eye brow done man. It’s a process to be a Situation. Not everyone can do it.” The Situation.

– “You can’t all the sudden develop some girl code.” Ronnie on how JWoww, Snooki, and Deena moved all of Sammi’s stuff out of her old room so that Ronnie would be more comfortable. There’s the roids or the Xenadrine for you. It’s warped Ron’s mind to the point  where his moral compass adjusts to how he feels at any given moment. If Ronnie’s ever convicted for rape he’ll undoubtedly tell the judge that he cannot suddenly “develop some girl code.”

– “Have a coffee and it flows out of your butt like a freaking rain storm.” Snooki on Deena’s constipation. More poop talk! Hang those who speak of less!

– “I’m glad I got a penis, let me tell you!” Ronnie upon seeing a girl’s dirty underwear. We assume that the underwear or ‘dirty draws’ became that way to due to a period. It’s too bad no one wrote ‘Everyone Menstruates’ because I’m sure Ron would be a lot more sensitive. Actually he wouldn’t. He’d probably just take the book, break some pairs of glasses, and then cry about it in the bathroom for an eternity.

– “You didn’t shit yet? Damn!” Pauly D on Deena’s constipation.

– “If she Jersey Turn Pike it…”Pauly D on Deena’s constipation combined with her doing a dance called the ‘Jersey Turn Pike.’ I think it’s when you get down low and grind near the dance floor or on a fellow dancer. Pauly was implying that Deena would shit everywhere.

– “Mike just has no guy code.” Pauly D after he heard that The Situation was trying to pick on his ex-girlfriend, Gina. He’s lived with The Situation for well over a year now and he still hasn’t figured it out. The Situation does what The Situation wants when The Situation wants. He’s actually the only cast member that’s consistent. He’s consistently a piece of shit.

– What’s your name, Gianni? – Snooki

Yes. – Gianni

Okay, now fuck me. Snooki

That’s classic Snooki.

– “No one get’s me!” Deena. This was really the perfect non-shit storm. Deena was clogged up emotionally and physically. She was sick of people picking on her and couldn’t really express herself while at the same time she was incapable of taking the dump she so sorely needed. I would have felt bad for her if I hadn’t been slapped in the face by karma earlier with that thong shot.

– “Slop-a…slop-a..sloppataptius.” The Situation on Deena’s sloppiness. This wasn’t vintage Situation, but he was drunk and we appreciated the effort.

– “You’re like the baby sister we never wanted. I’m going to fuck with you no matter what. I’m gonna fucking rip your fucking teddy bear that you love. That’s what I’m gonna do. You’re getting way too serious.” Ronnie to Deena. This was how he decided it was best to console her after the ‘no one gets me’ incident. It actually worked and Deena felt better. She must have completely forgot that when Ronnie says he’s going to destroy something he actually means it.

– “It’s In The Blood.” A tattto that ran down the back of the arm of Vinny’s girl of the week. We assume that’s a reference to being Italian, but it could also refer to being slutty, having an unnatural attraction to guys with bad tattoos, or being HIV positive. This would be unfortunate, but not necessarily surprising.

– “My niece gotta go.” Vinny to Snooki and Gianni. Vinny figured out that Gianni was with the uncle that cock blocked him earlier in the season. This was his revenge, but it didn’t work. I believe that Gianni and Snooki still banged, thus ending the dry spell.

“Bernard?” Snooki to Gianni after he asked her if she knew his name. I’d be shocked if Snooki has ever met a person named Bernard in her entire life. She’s probably never even heard of Bernard King.

– “I got something for ya…it’s sick burger, son…I know you want it…you and your girl can split it…one full bite and I’ll leave…I take care of my boys.” The Situation. That’s Classic Situation. Not quite on the ‘egg sangwich’ level, but it’s the kind of behavior where he shines best. He made food, intruded and annoyed a roommate with an ulterior motive (possibly to try to conduct a robbery or at least see her boobs), and then declared what a great guy he is. Classic.

– “At this point I just want to go home.” Ronnie to Deena. We all know he won’t leave. Personally, I want him to stay and bang Deena. Someone who lives in this house has to bang her before this season ends or the entire three months will have been completely wasted.

And that’s all for this the poopiest episode of Jersey Shore ever. It was fun, but disgusting. It was nice to see The Situation pushing to improve himself and it was nice to have Sammi gone, even if it’s only for an episode. Later.

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