Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 9

24 02 2011

Tonight’s episode was titled “Kissin Cousins.” Sadly, this involved Snooki hooking up with two separate male cousins and not her making out with her own cousin, which would have been much, much better.

The Episode

– “Thanks for the braciole.” Snooki to her non-snuggling hook up after she kicked him out of her bed. Braciole is some sort of Italian sausage. Later, Snooki revealed that the ‘braciole’ was below par.

– “My vagina is killing me.” Snooki.

– “I’m not tryin to get fired, dawg.” Pauly to The Situation when they were late for work in the morning. I think it’s safe to say no cast member could get fired from the tee-shirt shop. They could have ‘braciole’ in front of the customers and still not get terminated.

– “Work blows dick for skittles right now.” Deena. That’s a metaphor!

– “You want me to come down. I’ll come down right now, bro.” Mr. Ronnie (Ronnie’s Dad) to Ronnie over the phone.  First, Mr. Ronnie refers to Ronnie as ‘bro,’ which we love. That’s even better than Snooki’s Dad calling JWoww JWoww and not Jenni. Second, Mr. Ronnie’s mustache is the stuff of which legends are made. It’s stylish and doesn’t take shit from anyone. It’s thin enough to not distract from his rugged handsomeness, but not thin to the point where he’s not allowed near elementary schools. It’s a mustache in perfect harmony with the universe…of Jersey.

– “I’m glad you called, though. Instead of reacting off your gut.” Mr. Ronnie. He’s going to be really disappointed when he watches the episodes and sees how Ronnie destroyed Sammi’s possessions and room. “My mustache didn’t raise you that way, bro.” Also, Mr. Ronnie’s ‘reacting off your gut’ is the kind of reverse phrasing we’ve come to know and love from Ronnie.

– “Wherever you go, there you are.” Mr. Ronnie to Ronnie on why leaving Seaside won’t help him cope with his issues. It’s platitudinous and a border line Yogi Bera statement, but when Mr. Ronnie’s mustache is taken into consideration it seems like perfect advice.

– “You can do it, bro.” Mr. Ronnie. A few minutes later Ronnie rode around the roof on some sort of toy mini-bike that The Situation purchased. We’re not sure that’s what Ronnie’s dad meant when he said ‘You can do it, bro.’ Side Bar. All the Jersey Shore parents we’ve seen or heard from on the telephone have all seemed incredibly normal and grounded, which makes us wonder how they spawned these seven fools. We could blame the internet, or 9/11, but the real answer probably has something to do with steroid abuse and brain damage caused by spray tanning and breast augmentation.

– I”‘m not from around here.” Pauly on why he couldn’t help unclog the toilet, which is incredibly disgusting.

– “When Vinny’s sober he doesn’t want to snuggle. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Cool, make up your mind.”Snooki. It sounds like he’s already made up his mind. When I’m sober I never want Taco Bell. If I’m drunk or hung-over I’ll order both a chalupa and a gordita even though they’re pretty much the same thing. There’s your answer, Snooki.

– “You are my life, though.” Ronnie to Sammi who was on the phone. Somewhere, Mr. Ronnie’s mustache is crying.

– “It’s me and you. Meatball Power! (Burp)” Snooki to Deena. They decided to call themselves ‘The Meatballs.’ It’s an apt title. They’re both often stuffed with a variety of meats and bread, both fattening and unhealthy, both shaped like imperfect circles, and greasy Italians love them.

– “Uh…wow.” The Cab Driver who took Deena and Snooki to New York City. This was in response to being asked if he thought the girls were hot and being asked if he wanted to see Snooki’s tits. Also, we believe his comment referred to Deena’s gross, scabby knees as well.

– “So, Ronnie, why are you crying all the time?” The Situation to ghost Ronnie during The Situation’s ghost dinner. The guys ditched him and his only revenge was to eat by himself and pretend everyone else wasn’t around. It was set up and pretty stupid, but that one line was actually pretty funny.

– “I swear on my fucking cat’s grave.” Snooki on how she’ll no longer be friends with The Situation. She was pretty much back to being friends with him when they returned. Anyone want to dig up a cat’s corpse?

– “That’s how the troops will act without their general.” The Situation on the ditching he received from Ronnie, Vinny, and Pauly.

– Snooki: Vinny’s like one of my best friends.

– Deena: After that he has to bang you.

– Snooki: He has to.

– Deena: He has to.

– Snooki: To win my friendship back.

– Deena: Yeah.

– Snooki: Oh.yeah! (with a weird and creepy head bob)

Greatest conversation ever?

– “Yeah I went to the city. We had a good time. Fuck you!” Deena to the camera on how she had a good time in New York City. The only thing they actually did in NYC was buy liquor, but I have to admit that it did look like a pretty fun liquor purchase.

– “What are the greatest two words in the English language? Karma.” Ronnie. Appropriately, he was actually starting to enjoy himself. He was making drinks, ditching friends, and laughing at tiny mini-bikes. But right after he said this Sammi arrived back at the house, which proved that karma literally is a bitch.

It’s important to note, once again, how much CCTT enjoyed Sammi not being around. We wish she’d stay with her mom and sister in the suburbs, but that was never very likely. We’ll see what happens next week.

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