Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 10

3 03 2011

The Return of Sammi. At first it seemed natural to compare this to Return of the Jedi because it’s the weakest of the 3 original Star Wars films and Sammi’s the weakest character on JS. Following this train of thought we can compare Ronnie destroying all of Sammi’s belongings to the entire end of The Empire Strikes Back. Not because they necessarily have anything in common plot wise, but due to their collective awesomeness. Also, we can compare the conquering of the clogged toilet with the killing of Jaba the Hut in Jedi; something that should have been taken care of a long time ago. And, of course, Snooki and Deena would be the Ewoks, though considerably less adorable.

The Episode

“I definitely think it’d be nicer if Sam stayed out of the house a little bit longer. I think I was just starting to find myself and she walked through the door and I’m just like FML.” Ronnie on The Return of Sammi. Ronnie’s selfishness really knows no bounds, but considering his Dad’s advice to him last week was, “you can do it, bro” we shouldn’t expect anything different. You can do it, bro. Continue being an ass-hole and listen to the ‘stache.

Mr. Ronnie

– “I was like so hestatic that I almost cried.” Deena on Sammi’s return. We then learned that ‘hestatic’ means that someone is ‘super happy, like really happy.’ It seems a bit over the top to break out a new phrase for someone who you hated a couple of weeks ago. Also, it needs to be pointed out once again how disappointing Deena has been this season. She had so much promise. She showed her vagina to The Situation within four hours of meeting him! Now all she does is walk around constipated and make up stupid words. Simply put, she’s a bust.

– “Guess what Sam’s back…ehhhh” The Situation. That pretty much says it all. They should have at least brought her back when Ronnie had a new girlfriend or was on the brink of suicide. One episode was not enough. They should have teased it out a little longer so we could have had a melt down that was equal to the room destruction.

– “It was shocking for you to walk through the door nothing for nothing.” Ronnie to Sammi on her return. Nothing for Nothing? What?

– “I feel no different” Pauly being sarcastic in regards to Sam’s return. It should be noted how legitimately funny Pauly can actually be. He’s the only one who makes genuinely good, off the cuff remarks. The Situation can be funny, but his lines usually come from confessionals and seem (most likely are) rehearsed or given to him by a producer.

– “I actually named his penis Moby Dick.” Snooki on Vinny’s wang. Does anyone remember this 1998 CBS mini-series? I don’t.

– “Ron pretty much looks like a douchebag.” Snooki on Ronnie’s lameness at Karma and she was right. Ronnie followed her around (though later claimed no desire to ‘hover’), got denied on a hand hold, and sweated profusely. This is a normal Saturday night for me, but I’m not on TV so I only get made fun of by roommates and not 15 yr old JS viewers with acne and braces who also sweats profusely.

– “Dominican girls go that flavor that an Italian guy needs.” Vinny on Dominican girls. I guess it’s not racist because it’s a compliment? I have a feeling that if I said that to a girl of Dominican heritage I’d get bitched out. “What do you mean flavor!?” “Eh, you know, general, uh, spiciness?” “So now I’m spicy You racist bastard!?” I’m not going to try it.

– “Because I want to touch Vinny…I want to touch Vinny!” Snooki on wanting to touch Vinny.

– “You’re hot. You can get whatever guy you want.” Sammi to Snooki. After she said this she took a slice of bread, buttered it, and ate it. She’s lying to you, Snooki. You’re not that hot and you can’t get whatever guy you want. I’d call Gianni if I were you and stop listening to this girl who puts butter on bread and eats it as if it were a normal thing to do.

– “Ewww! You peed on my foot.” Deena to JWoww who peed on her foot. This is as good as time as ever to comment on the disgusting nature of season 3 of JS. Think about it this way; besides the Sammi/Ronnie stuff, a clogged toilet has been the second major story line. A clogged toilet! The producers must have told them not to fix it because it would make great television and they’re not necessarily wrong (if this particular episode could live in a vacuum) because we actually got a decent amount of funny lines from tonight’s grossness. We cannot say the same about other episodes, though. The clogged toilet, Deena’s constipation, and the bloody female underwear were just not funny in those circumstances. Basically, when JS goes for poop jokes/bathroom humor/etc… it becomes a lowest common denominator squared Situation. The shows already really dumb and when its low brow nature is combined with constipation mini-story lines the audience is overloaded with crap, literally.

– “I’m so over it.” Snooki, drunk and sobbing, on her feelings for Vinny. It became clear later that she is so not over it.

– “Deena might be the worst driver in the tri-state area.” Pauly on Deena’s bad driving. But Pauly, what do you think of da boobs?

– “Stee-rike…stee-rike.” Pauly at the bowling alley. JWoww looked to be a pretty good bowler as well. You could say that she knows her way around…balls…? Actually, I guess it was just the one ball. So she knows her way around…ball. Jeez.

– “I’m embarrassed. FML.” Snooki on her embarrassment due to crying over Vinny. That’s two ‘FML’s’ this episode. Two too many.

– “She’s not the kind of girl who can just hook up with somebody.” Deena on Snooki’s difficulties with emotional attachments. You could have fooled me, Deena.

– Pauly: Water’s green, bro. Water’s green.

Vinny: I know. It’s like algae.

Siutation: Ohhh! Ohhh!

That’s what we meant when we said that this episode actually paid some of the grossness off with humor.

– Ronnie: Someone took an extra shit in it

Vinny: Why do they do that?

Again, humor. Also, the genuine concern combined with undertones of loathing that appeared on Vinny’s face when he said, ‘why do they do that?’ was priceless.

– The Guid Tee. For some reason they decided to bleep “Guid” and that really confused us. At first we thought they were saying “Jizz Tee,” which would imply that someone flushed a tee-shirt that they used for self-gratification clean up, aka a cum rag. We later learned that it was just a regular wife beater that Vinny (presumably) flushed after it fell into the toilet. Basically, their toilet was clogged for weeks because Vinny flushed a wife beater. That’s the real life equivalent of thinking you lost your keys, getting new key made, and only a week later finding it under an old shoe.

– “Ronnie’s definitley I feel like is reformed.” Sammi after Ronnie gave her a couple tee-shirts he made at the shop. So now he’s reformed? We can forget all the cheating, the destruction, and the lies? Just because of some crappy tee-shirts? It would have been nice if there was a confessional cut where Ronnie said, “I wish I would have know about the tee-shirt thing sooner.”

You can do it, bro

– “Fuck you alcohol.” Snooki. Alcohol called and said that, like Vinny, it never had real feelings for her anyway. I think the whole public intoxication thing kind of embarrassed alcohol.

– “Twenty-one, you’re good. You’re good.” The Situation. I guess he’s asking for girls identification at bars now.

– “Mike, we got you!” Ronnie, Sammi and Snooki aka Team Sober. They put a bunch of cheese slices, parmesan, and creamed cheese under his bed. They thought all the cheese might give him pink eye as well. This really, really grossed me out for some reason. Also, I think Team Sober will last about as long as Charlie Sheen’s next stint in rehab. Hey oh!

– “It smelt like grated cheese.” The Situation on why he had to kick the girl out of his room, post-felatio obviously. I guess Team Sober did get him and I hope the girl feels better about herself when she sees this episode because it wasn’t you, honey. Later on JWoww called a doctor to point out that The Situation could indeed contract a venereal disease from oral sex. The Situation then shouted to the doctor, who was on speaker phone, ‘What happens when it smells like grated cheese?” Classic Situation.

– Vinny: So I can keep smashing girls?

Snooki: Yeah. As long as I don’t see it.

Vinny: Awesome

We thought that was a pretty good episode. Much better, comparatively, than Return of the Jedi. And now the toilet is finally de-clogged so we can all put that behind us, which is a very good thing.

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4 responses

8 10 2011
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Butter and bread is normal…

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