Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 11

10 03 2011

After watching the last episode I realized that something has been bothering me. It seemed so obvious and I was upset that I hadn’t thought of it before. Why haven’t Vinny and Pauly taken JWoww’s two dogs to the beach and used them to pick up girls? I know they live at the beach and don’t actually go there, but this seems like just too good of an oppurtunity. It would absolutely work.

The Episode

– “I’ve never been to Staten Island and I’m really curious to see what it’s like.” Pauly on going to Staten Island to eat dinner with Vinny’s family. One, it’s pretty shocking that Pauly’s never been to Staten Island. I believe JWoww, Vinny, The Situation, and the late Angelina are all Staten Islanders. Two, I think this is the first time in the history of the world someone was “curious to see what it’s (Staten Island) like.” People tend to be curious about large areas of cultural significance (Paris, Moscow, Rio) or really small out of the way places (any rural town with a population under 2000). Pauly’s statement strikes me as very odd. It would be like me wondering what Toledo, Ohio is like. “I’m really pumped to see Toledo. I’ve never been there and I’ve heard they have a minor league baseball team.” Also, since we mentioned Angelina, I think this would be a good time to remind every one of the nickname Vinny gave Angelina last season: The State Island Dump.– “I got Lean Cuisine and we’re gonna take over this whole house.” The Situation. I may have missed this, but I doubt it. JWoww’s two dogs are named Lean Cuisine and Juice Box. The Situation gave the former a slice of pizza from the garbage.

– “He wants peanut butter. I can speak to them.” The Situation on his above average communication skills in regards to Lean Cuisine and Juice Box.

– “Looks like a guido circus.” Pauly on hanging out with Vinny’s extended family. I’d infinitely prefer a cartoon called Guido Circus to Family Circus. It’s been said, many times and many ways, but Family Circus is lame as shit.

– “Aww hell yeah! You’re taking a shit right in Pauly’s room.” The Situation. Maybe Sitch realized that something had to be done with these dogs. He went the opposite direction from me by letting them roam around, eat people food, and poop and pee everywhere. He refered to this as his “Master Plan.”

– “Romaine! Romaine!” Uncle Nino requesting salad. Sadly, this is all we got from Uncle Nino. He provided so much entertainment in Miami and it’s unfortunate that this was the best he provided this time around. And to keep on the topic of ways to improve the show, it would have been nice if they would have traded Sammi for Uncle Nino that week she was gone. He could have even slept with Deena who, by the way, seems to be getting fatter with each episode that passes. She had a lot of promise. She could have been Nino’d. That means having sex with Uncle Nino if anyone was confused.

– “Take a shit over there, too.” The Situation. Master Plan.

– “Something smells like poop.” JWoww immediately upon coming through the door. Master Plan.

– “There’s piss and shit everywhere. It’s disgusting.” Sammi. Again, the Master Plan is working. Step one, release the dogs. Step two, give the dogs people food. Step three, allow dogs to piss and shit everywhere. Step four, have roommates come home and see it. Master Plan.

– “Tell me that doesn’t smell like Mike’s cologne?” Deena. Master Plan foiled? Nope. They figured out that The Situation had released the dogs, but not one of them called him on it. I’m not exactly sure why, though. I suppose it’s possible that they were so impressed by the Master Plan that they felt it imprudent to call him on it. For some reason it reminds me of how little people seem to care about Tony Parker cheating on his wife with another player’s wife. Besides losing his marriage, which he obviously didn’t care about in the first place, Tony Parker seems to have suffered no repercussions. That story came and went in a week. It’s like Manu Ginobli said, “That was really messed up, but I can’t say anything about it because the plan was too damn good.”

– “Juice Box and Lean Cuisine? That’s crazy.” The Situation’s attempt at lying about the Master Plan.

– “Black dress. I’m getting it in.” Snooki on her plans to sleep with a stranger (presumably) later that night. Her Master Plan.

– Sammi: How come you didn’t chase me?

Ronnie: It was better for you. Honestly, I love you that much that it was better for you.

Sammi: I had to get away from you.

Ronnie: You’re better, right?

Ronnie’s Master Plan?

– The really small guy who walking by JWoww on the way home from the club. Was JWoww’s Master Plan to look giant?

– “I’m pretty pleased with the way Nick took care of me tonight with my knee. And for that he’s getting it in.” Snooki on why she’s gong to sleep with Nick the 21 year old who looked like a skinnier and younger version of Pauly. I guess her Master Plan came to fruition and it all it took was one drunk horn dawg and a couple of band-aids. It’s important to set goals that one can attain. We must walk before we can fly.

– “What the hell did you do to my friend?” Pauly on Vinny’s awful, awful spray tan, which he seemed to lose almost immediately. I’m not sure it lasted 12 hours. His Master Plan failed.

– The guys brought back JWoww’s “get ya ass beat, get ya ass beat, get ya as beat” pseudo-rap in reference to her anger with Roger. It turned out that Roger wasn’t with another girl, but it’s nice to see that the JS crew has that kind of recall. It shows that they’re self-aware enough to watch the episodes as they come on TV and smart enough to realize how ridiculous certain things can be in hindsight.

– Deena getting hit in the face with a water balloon. That particular camera angle and the preview they showed made it obvious what was going to happen. Ronnie stood outside the door where we could see him and Deena could not and then moved quickly in front of it and just nailed her right in the face. The fact that we knew it was coming almost made it even greater. Biggest laugh of the episode.

– “I’m really developing feelings for the kid.” JWoww on her developing feelings for Roger. One, it’s still disappointing that we’ve never gotten single JWoww. Her slutting it up and ripping guys heads off was and is something I’ve always looked forward to. Hopefully it will happen one day. Two, it still seems odd to me that the girls often refer to their man friends as “kids.” It’s similar to Ronnie’s Dad calling him “bro.” Ronnie’s not his “bro” and Roger is most definitely not a “kid.” He’s very large man in his mid-thirties with tons and tons of tattoos. Also, and I believe I’ve mentioned this in another JS post, the whole “kid” thing still reminds me of Gerald Henderson’s post game interview after taking the elbow to Psycho T’s face. I think Hansbrough was at least four years older than Henderson at the time so it made no sense to call him “kid.”

– “This past week I fell really hard for Ron again.” Sammi. “Being here this past week I’ve seen a major difference.” Sammi a couple minutes later to JWoww and Snooki. A week. That’s all it took for her to fall back in love with him. He destroyed her room and cheated on her and lied about it and all it takes is a week. “Dear Sammi. My name’s Jeff and I live in California. I have anger issues too, but they mostly involve forgetting to DVR shows I like. I would love to meet you because I think you’re pretty hot and that we’d get along really well. I honestly think that it would take about two hours for us to reconcile if I broke the wheels of your travel bag due to anger over a missed re-run of Wings. Seriously think about it. All this shit could be streamlined.”

– “It’s the same shit different toilet for Ron and Sam.” JWoww. Super accurate stuff from JWoww, but most likely included to amp up the poopiness of the episode. As we all know season 3 has been rather poop-centric. Yes, this episode had all the dog poop, but it clearly wasn’t enough.

– “Mammal?” Sammi thinking a Penguin is a mammal and not a bird. Maybe it isn’t that strange that she took Ron back after one week.

– “He looks like a jacked up, guido McGyver.” The Situation on his friend Arvin. Remember that name, folks. It will come up later. Can we please not compare anyone to McGyver. He’s the OG.

– “Pure evidence of treachery I’ve just seen.” The Situation on discovering that Sammi had been texting with Arvin when she was gone from the house and how she apparently told him to meet her at Karma.

– “You were hitting up Arvin you fucking stupid bastard.” Ronnie to Sammi. I’ve never heard anyone call a girl a bastard before, but if anyone should be the first I guess Ronnie’s an appropriate choice.

– “I’m gonna sit on the couch, get some popcorn, and watch this fucking movie.” Pauly D on watching the fight between Sammi and Ronnie.

– “I sat in this house and fucking cried….how’s it feel! how’s it feel!” Ronnie to Sammi. There were a lot of firsts this episode; the first time someone was curious about Staten Island, the first time a girl was called a bastard, and the first time someone named Arvin was the catalyst for any kind of drama. Seriously, the guy’s named Arvin. Ronnie should just chill out and realize that women don’t leave boyfriends for guys named Arvin. Maybe a Marvin, maybe, but definitely not an Arvin. There will never in the history of The United States of America be a president named Arvin. “Do you swear to uphold the consitution…wait this guy’s named Arvin.” Only loser towns have mayors named Arvin. Arvin’s not somebody to get worked up about. Let’s all calm the fuck down.

– “Sam’s definitely playing Ron out. Ron is calling for roses, crying on my shoulder, listening to Michael Bolton. And she’s texting other dudes.” The Situation made this face after spouting off that wisdom.

– “You did start shit, but you’re not wrong.” Vinny on The Situation’s shit starting.

– Sammi: Let me go!

Ronnie: Nooooo!

Is this the end of Ronnie’s Master Plan? Join us next week to see if Ronnie and Sammi will get back together or if Arvin-gate will prove fatal.

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