Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 12

17 03 2011

Tonight was the penultimate episode the Jersey Shore’s third season. It’s important to remember many of tonight’s events were triggered by the appearance of a young guido named Arvin. That’s right, Arvin.

The Episode

“You’re supposed to care about what I know! That’s when you love somebody.” Ronnie. Classic Ronnie logic.

– “I feel like I’m in a spaceship.” Deena with a giant box over her head. Putting a box over one’s head and laying on the ground trying to be funny is emblematic of the lows JS can hit. It’s behavior that’s not funny in any real or ironic sense. Just plain dumb. It’s the type of behavior that gives an otherwise fine program a bad name.

– “I don’t even know if I love Sam at this point. I’m just kind of, uh, eww about her.” Ronnie. Again, Classic Ronnie. She called some guy when they were broken up and when she was away from the house. Ronnie cheated on her several times and then came back and slept with her those very same nights. Hmm. Actually, never mind, point taken Ronnie.

– “You know what to lick!” Pauly D to either Juice Box or Lean Cuisine as it licked ice cream remnants from a dirty bowl.

– “Go Hard” written on the back of Snooki’s sweat pants. Gross.

– “I wanted to ask you about the beer battered onion rings.” Snooki to the waitress at the make your own burger joint where her and Vinny went on a ‘date.’ This is notable only because it’s the most polite/normal thing I’ve ever heard come out of Snooki’s mouth. We can assume she was trying to be on her best behavior and recalled the lessons she learned in Guitillion classes.

– “It’s definitely good to know that I have a girl like that who I have genuine feelings for.” Vinny on Snooki. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard come out of Vinny’s mouth.

– “Maybe getting your ears pierced would be a good look.” Vinny on the possibility of getting his ears pierced. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard come out of Vinny’s mouth.

– “I take it like a G. I sit there. I don’t even flinch.” Vinny post ear piercing. Vinny’s about as Gangster as I am, which is to say not remotely gangster. We’re this type of G. The kind of G who people think is cool for a day and then ignore for the rest of their lives. It’s pretty sad, really.

– “Do you want to get beat up by an Israeli chick?” Danielle to Vinny. Everyone should remember that Danielle stalked Pauly D in Season 1 and for some reason showed up in Miami during Season 2. It’s a bit odd, even in JS world. that she’s never gone away and I can only see two possible explanations. One, the producers of the show have her on retainer. Like a high priced attorney whose at the whim of a troublesome celebrity, Danielle is called in by the JS powers that be whenever they feel they need some awkwardness and bad Israeli jokes made by cast members. Two, she just likes being on TV and she comes around, signs the waivers, and freaks the cast members out for thirty minutes. The former is the more romantic proposition, but the latter seems more realistic and is most likely the correct solution.

– “Danielle is the only thing that scares me in Seaside.” Pauly. I guess he didn’t fully understand how actually disturbing Deena looked in her skin tight denim ensemble. Zing!

– Sammi: I’m sorry.

Ronnie: More mustard.

Sammi: I’m sorry.

These are the kinds of conversations that almost make Sam and Ron’s relationship worthwhile. She’s pouring her heart out and he’s eating a hamburger after midnight. In case you were worried, she did give him the mustard. They totally banged after that.

– “You want to dance with me, boys?” Morbidly obese woman to the guys at Aztec. They didn’t dance with her,

– “This woman is not a grenade. She’s an atomic bomb waiting to blow up.” Pauly D.

– “My girl was DTF, but sometimes when family gets involved it you know it just gets too weird.” Vinny. That’s exactly what Barry Williams (Greg Brady) said when Ann B. Davis (Alice) found out that Barry was sleeping with Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady). I know what you’re thinking. Ann B. Davis wasn’t actually related to Barry just like Barry wasn’t related to Florence. That may comfort some, but Barry knew that the actors on The Brady Brunch were just as strong of a family as the one they portrayed on TV. Hence the weirdness.

– “Sounds like a plan. Plans distinguished.” Pauly D. Pauly ditched his girl when her brother came to see if their two girls needed a ride home.

– “I’m kidding. I know you like sex, idiot.” Vinny to Snooki after he publicly embarrassed her by coming on to her moments after kicking another girl out. Snooki doesn’t play second fiddle to anyone, though occasionally her bubbly personality will come in second to her clogged up bowels if she’s constipated.

– Vinny/Sammi rap battle. Just plain awful. It’s on the same level as the Deena space ship box.

– “I am tan…I look Indian…” Connie, Ron’s mom Mrs. Ronnie. She was really drunk and started talking about Ron and Sam’s sordid history. No wonder Mr. Ronnie and his mustache left her drunk ass. When you have a mustache like that you just have to cut your losses and take your mustache where its services will be respected. I don’t blame him. The Situation later told her about Arvin, which is going above and beyond the duty of Classic Situation.

Mr. Ronnie

– “You’re embarrassing me, you’re yourself, you’re embarrassing our entire family.” Ronnie to Connie aka Mrs. Ronnie. Remind you of anyone?

– “I stay the start with a zero-zero.” Pauly D while the entire house, save Sammi, gave Ronnie advice on how he should handle the Sam/Arvin situation. Ronnie seemed convinced, at this point, that Sammi was entirely in the wrong.

– “I don’t like you. I like Ron. I don’t like you.” The Situation to Sammi after she called him out for his pot stirring ways.

– “You are the worst argument person ever.” The Situation on how he doesn’t think much of Sam’s arguing skills.

– “Yeah I made out with her.” Arvin on the phone to The Situation.

Well I guess that’s it for Ron and Sam’s relationship. They’ll most likely never get back together. That’s the end of that chapter. It’s comforting that Ron’s got such a strong family behind him, though. He’ll get through this. See you for the finale.

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