The Many Kings of Basketball

21 03 2011

I think most of us can agree, the annoying thing about the old feudal system is that there was only one defined king. That kingship was founded in the birthright of the first son to said noble. Which in turn, left no room for anyone else to become king if that birthright was still in tact. Which is stupid and doesn’t make any sense – bloodline succession is only logical when talking about family recipes. (That chowder’s the shit, ma!) Personally, I’d prefer a system where people could simply acknowledge their kingship in a marking, or brand, maybe a necklace, or some kind of small animal perched atop your shoulder that would proclaim your kingship as you walked around… Something like that makes much more sense.

Luckily we live in fucking AMERICA! And if you’re a real American (exactly why we don’t have shitty kings) you’d agree that one king doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. If you’ve only got one dude calling all the shots, who’s supposed to disagree with him and get any kind of political action tied up in red tape for years on end? No one! Exactly. And people, that’s just not how REAL political machines work or make their money and support their lackluster politicians. Plus, if that guy dies, we’re all fucked.

Luckily for us, there is one place that understands this very simple concept of many, many, many, many, many kings… The NBA. Like many of us, I’m a tattoo connoisseur and I love to watch the NBA for their wonderfully inconsistent rules on traveling as well as their many artistic renderings of scarred flesh. It is in basketball that we find the real kings of our age. The Kings of Basketball:

King Born-A-Balla: was born in the Highlands of Scotland to a wealthy goat farmer, but because of his amazing basketball abilities and proclivity to “have mad skills” he was cast out to the far off lands. When he arrived in the basketball Mecca that is America, he immediately bought some new Nike’s, got a King of Basketball tattoo, and took to the courts. In the years to come, he spent his time underperforming at local high school gymnasiums, YMCAs and all around the greater tri-state area. His reign continues to this day at THE Camden County Community College.

King Me-Love-You-Ball-Time: relinquished his thrown in the name of his most beloved basketball. To this day, they live together happily in Mexico.

King Only-The-Strong-Survive: was a military genius skilled in the teachings of Sun Tzu and Machiavelli. A master of his domain, a killer of men, he and his forces stormed the courts of Venice on the eve of the ten year anniversary of White Men Can’t Jump and they looked the enemy square in the eye. The final score was 3-21… (and the black guys played with one less guy). The defeat a mighty one, the king took his own life. No one disagreed on the strength it took to do so.













King Ah-Crap!-I’m-So-Good-At-Basketball-My-Arm’s-On-Fire: died in a fire.

King I-Don’t-Understand-How-Tattoos-Work: was so upset when his King of Basketball tattoo didn’t live up to his greatness, that he reassigned all his country’s scientists working on a cure for AIDS to a special skin growing experiment in order to cover up the blight on his body. Although the team has had moderate success with radical experimentation in the past years, the king’s tattoo is still visible and his third penis is still oozing.












King Dong-Schlong-Long: currently rules all of China, which he bought from America two years ago for a handful of beads. Oh, and he has never played basketball… EVER!




2 responses

7 11 2011

I cant belive time is so worthless to people they got to make up bullsh#$ because they good anything and dont have tats cuz they scared of it being permanent.haha

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