Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 13

You know why you’re here.

The Episode

– “Ron dawg, you ain’t that dumb dawg. Okay, I’m right there and I’m gonna make sure the sneaky bitch don’t get you.” The Situation on how he won’t let Ronnie get played during ‘Did Sammi make out with Arvin-gate.’ She did make out with Arvin, though she claimed (and we believe her) that it occurred when she was 21 (she’s now 23 or 24). Ronnie was not thrilled by this news.

– “Us getting involved is just making it worse.” Deena on Arvin-gate. Congrats to Deena. It only took her a month to figure out that having group discussions concerning the state of Ron and Sam’s relationship actually heightened the tension between the two.

– “I’ve been dedicated to her and she’s fucked me over so many times.” Ronnie on Sammi fucking him over. He’s exactly right.

Dedication

– Ronnie’s Rush Shirt. Apparently Rush is a rival Seaside tee-shirt shop and Ronnie felt that this would be a hilarious tribute to his boss on his last day of work. What’s noteworthy is the fact that his boss ripped the tee-shirt in half in a matter of seconds. Rush’s tee-shirts aren’t exactly high quality. If a Seaside Better Business Bureauexists then I say they should be reported. “Umm, Seaside BBB? This is Jeff and I just found out that the quality of tees at Rush are below average.” I’m pretty sure they’d just stare at me.

– DJ Biggy and Big Jerry. These were Pauly’s two fat friends. They may have both been DJs, but we never really found out. I think it’s safe to say that Pauly’s the leader of that gang.  Also, it would be nice to have a spin off show or a single episode called “Friends of Jersey Shore Cast Who Have Absurd Nicknames.” J420 and Joey Yanks v. DJ Biggy and Big Jerry. I’ve got Jerry and the DJ for tug of war. The video below is the 3rd option that came up after I typed in “Revenge of the Nerds tug of war.” Enjoy.

– “Ohh…Ohh” Uncle Nino while dancing with Deena. You just knew they had to bring Nino back one last time. He didn’t get a fair shake last episode and the producers felt really bad. It would have been nice to get a little more Uncle Nino time, but it’s the finale so I suppose they had to pick and chose their battles. Also, Uncle Nino had a cane, which we thought was really cool.

– JWoww’s Dad. Interesting. How in the world did JWoww come out that guys balls? Seriously. He looks like a mild-mannered guy who partied a little too hard in the late 70s and early 80s and settled down to a nice job as a librarian. He is probably the really weird and off putting librarian who is still kind of cool and suggests interesting books to precocious teens. “Have you read Leaves of Grass? No? Do yourself a favor and get on that. No, no. We have a special section for poetry in the back and you’ll find it there. Check you later.” He also kind of looks like Phil Spector when he was on trial.

Mr. JWoww

Phil Spector

– “He turns all white when he’s mad. Look how white he is.” Pauly D on Vinny’s pale reaction to Deena’s cock blocking. Another good joke by Pauly D.

– “I just thought she wasn’t Angelina.” Vinny on Deena’s cock blocking. Wow. I feel obligated to quote Pauly Shore’s character from Encino Man at this point. If you recall the film, there was a part toward the end where Sean Astin tried to send Encino Man away because Encino Man had become to popular. Sean Astin’s character was jealous and bitter. Encino Man was everything he wanted to be; tall, likeable, and free to say “gonzagas!” After Sean Astin sent hm away Pauly Shore turned to him and said “Harsh, bro.”

– “I’ll be honest…sometimes we, we go about things the wrong way. There’s pressure on all of us and stuff like that.” The Situation apologizing to Sammi for his part in Arvin-gate. I feel kind of foolish now because I didn’t realize The Situation was under so much pressure. He’s got the tee-shirt shop, meaningless sex, force feeding four pound dogs untily they shit everyhwere, and all those family dinners. I guess when you’ve got all that going on in your life it’s pretty easy to fall into the trap of calling some guy you know and seeing if he made out with your roommate’s girlfriend and yelling “I caught you” a lot.

– “Tonight is the night to party, get it all out, frickin do every sin that you can. You know, have sex with an old man, and steal a plant, and then get arrested and then do whatever.” Snooki on what could be done on her last night in Seaside. I hope when JS ends Snooki will come to her agent and tell her that she has an idea for a movie and when the agent asks her what it’s about she will repeat, word for word, the quote above.

– “I have great sex with the kid.” JWoww on Roger. Again with “the kid” stuff. JWoww and Roger made it official this episode. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend. I wonder what Mr. JWoww thought of Roger? “What are your intentions with my fake breasted daughter?”

– “All right Princess Diana.” Snooki to Nick when he requested that she not put too much butter on his grilled cheese sandwich. After she said this I realized that this was one of the few references to pop culture I’ve ever heard from a JS cast member. I recall Pauly D reworking the lyrics to “Blue Monday” at one point, but that and the Princess Di remark are the only examples I can recall in three seasons of diligent viewing. Of course, it’s very possible that Snooki stopped paying attention to anything that didn’t directly involve her after August 1997, but I think it’s more likely that these types of reality stars have to be completely self-obsessed. Their business is themselves. The Situation doesn’t have time to watch sports or quote Jay Z lyrics because he’s too busy, and rightfully so, constantly looking out for number one. This could also explain their attraction to House Music. No lyrics, just a stream of pulsations that scream, “me, me, me.”

– “Go in the bathroom and take a little toilet paper and wipe your ass off and that’s it.” Snooki to Nick before they headed to the smush room. Maybe Deena’s whole ‘it’s cool to go down on dude butts’ has rubbed off on Snooki. If you can’t be ’em, join em’.

– “Cry all you want. I’m real. You’re not.” Ronnie to a drunken Sammi.

– “You’re not allowed to talk to me or look at me again you fucking idiot.” Sammi to Ronnie. This is one of my favorite things Sammi has ever said. Ronnie cried and ran out of the house. That guy cries a lot. It’s the juice. It makes you angry and emotional. Maybe he’s coming down from a cycle.

– “This guy’s tall. I’m gonna call you tree. Hey tree.” Vinny. It’s sad, really. This quote is emblematic of the downward spiral Vinny’s been on the last couple of episodes. He tanned, took Snooki out on a hamburger date, got an earing, declared himself a G, and now he’s drunkenly calling tall people “trees.” And remember that he’s not just embarrassing himself, his actions reflect poorly on Uncle Nino too.

– “That reminds me of Ron and Sam’s relationship.” The Situation comparing the dog poop on the floor to the guido shrapnel that is Ron and Sam’s love. I have the feeling that the producers force fed the dogs so they’d poop on command when they realized that this episode might not have a poop moment. This last half of the season has been all poop all the time.

– “You’re my best friend.” Sam to Ronnie. I get it, though. Just the other day my best friend tried to destroy all my possessions.

– “I think my heart’s broken at this point, honestly.” Ronnie to Sam on why they can’t be together.

– “So this is over?” Sam to Ronnie. We didn’t count (we should have) how many times Ron or Sam uttered these words to each other this season, but we’re placing the over/under at 17.

– “I definitely regret breaking my number one rule here. Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Ronnie. That’s what I call bringing things full circle. He said in this very first episode and the words still hold true today. Keeping a relationship together in Seaside is an impossible task. Mainly because of all the alcohol and steroids, but also because loves is just plain difficult.

– Who is cleaning up the house? We figure that place must absolutely reek. Think of the combination of smells? Sex, Italian Sweat, All Kinds of Poop, Bad Cologne, Bad Hairspray, Ronnie’s Tears, Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, and Roger. Wow. They must have to hire the cleaning crews that work on crime scenes. It’s that serious.

– Luxury Automobiles. If you really want to realize how far the cast members have come since season one then you need not look any further. Each one, except Deena who rode with Snooki, drove away in a fancy car.

Before the episode I wondered to myself, “Who is the joke on?” Is it on the viewers of Jersey Shore? The cast members who publicly embarrass themselves every week? Mr. JWoww? I don’t think the joke can possibly be on the regular viewers because each week for an hour they get to laugh at people they think are stupid, which can be quite empowering. But it also can’t be on the cast members because even though they are underpaid they still make a lot of money for being themselves or at least a heightened version of themselves. I guess the joke is on me. The person who takes time out of his day to recap each episode, find retarded youtube clips, and pontificate on why JS cast members don’t reference pop culture. I really need a girlfriend.

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