CCTT Finds Cam Newton Column From 2016

29 04 2011

Once again CCTT has used our trusty time machine and traveled into the future. We found this article from the Charlotte Observer dated April, 28, 2016. Spoiler Alert!

Do you remember where you were, what you were doing, and who were with on April, 28, 2011? I do. I was with my wife, now ex-wife, watching the 2011 NFL Draft. At exactly 8.15 I turned to Sheila and said, “Cam Newton’s smile alone is worth 50 million dollars over five years.” Sadly, for me and many of you, I couldn’t have been more wrong if I tried.

It all started out innocent enough. There was the post-draft euphoria where we all looked forward to the Newton Era with the open-hearted excitement of a kindergartener on his first day of school – lunch pail filled, Capri Suns ready to be drained. For at least three months I don’t even think I heard the name Jake Delhomme. We kept our heads about us when our fortunes didn’t immediately change. Buzz words filled the air: “learning process,” “character building,” and the dreaded “rebuilding year.” After a pathetic 35 – 7 loss to the Detroit Lions, I earnestly consoled my son by saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” We barely have a relationship now (more on that later) and I think I can trace his animosity to that single cliché’.

Cam Newton’s passes went and the interceptions came. The first season was a mess, but we remained true to our savior, much like the Mayans when the Conquistadors first arrived. Heck, I even thought it was kind of sweet when his father, Cecil Newton (pronounced See-Sell Newton), was publicly shamed after demanding 150,000 dollars from the late Panthers owner Jerry Richardson. I said to myself that “he just doesn’t get it” and laughed the whole thing off. I even wrote a column in this very paper speculating that those who openly mocked Cecil Newton for not understanding that professional athletes weren’t paid under the table were no less than bigots. I apologize for that.

Anyone familiar with the saying “Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.”? That pretty much sums up every column I wrote during the 2012 and 2013 seasons. He averaged a quarterback rating of 72 during those two years, but I defended him vehemently with hack logic, which implied that those who didn’t support Cam Newton somehow didn’t believe in The American Dream. When in truth, I forgot that the American Dream is now about screwing everyone over and taking as much money as you can get in the process. I even printed up 3,000 “‘Rootin’ for Newton” tee-shirts that I tried to give away outside of B of A stadium. The lame rhyme and the massive credit card debt almost scared me straight, but I recovered when a local homeless shelter accepted the 2,830 and a half (I made one a cut-off Tee) I couldn’t get rid of. I, like Cam Newton, had untapped potential and virtue.

And now is as good a time as ever to reveal my most embarrassing Cam Newton moment. Remember his girlfriend Marlene Atkins? The ‘budding’ country star? I bought two copies of her debut album “Offside.” To be fair, the second purchase was just to replace the first after a microwave “incident,” but it still makes me shudder. I once even tweeted lyrics from the title track. It’s obvious now that my devotion to the myth of Cam Newton had gone too far because I legitimately thought the line “In this country life/you’re not living/unless you’re a little bit…Offside!” was clever and poignant. I lost 1500 followers that day. I’m down to 15 now and one of those is my mother who never responds to my replies or retweets me… or answers my calls anymore now that I think about it.

As Cam and I entered our fourth season together it was clear that it wasn’t working out. Sadly, my increased drinking mirrored the decline in Cam Newton’s performance and attitude. When he was drafted his intangibles were questioned. This proved a good question when he still failed to pick up cornerback blitzes and, after being benched, publicly refered to Matt Moore as ‘Matt Poor.’ That joke was almost as lame as my alcohol fueled, ‘Custer’s Last Stand’ attempts to  point out that the future of the franchise still rested on his shoulders. We both didn’t realize that the future had already been squandered, his on the field and mine with my exponentially rising AMEX debt. I was drinking so much that I didn’t even notice that he’d gained twenty-five pounds. I just thought it was nice that he kept talking about Hardee’s after Jerry Richardson died. I thought it was his way of mourning and didn’t know that he’d become unnaturally obsessed with Thickburgers.

The fifth season was sad for the both of us. Cam finally understood that you couldn’t just show up and be a good NFL quarterback. His attitude calmed down a bit and he began to accept his role as the world’s most expensive third string quarterback. I finally understood that you can’t be a big drunk without massive consequences. My wife divorced me during  the bye week. It was a decent gesture from a decent woman sick of coming in second to an over exposed, under performing quarterback.  As a signed the papers, still drunk mind you, I muttered something about ‘Cam Newton.’ My wife shook her head and left the room. As I got up to leave my attorney did something peculiar. He winked at me and said, “I guess Cam Newton’s smile wasn’t worth that much after all.” Apparently, my second wife and my lawyer began dating two months after the divorce was finalized. And apparently, I really liked saying that line about Cam’s smile. They call him dad now and they call me ‘Steve.’

In the end, I guess for Cam and myself, we can just chalk this one up to good old-fashioned life experience. We both messed up, but as the song says, “You’re not living unless you’re a little bit offside.”

p.s. Cam Newton also stole my laptop in 2015. When I saw what he was doing I said, “Cam! You’re a millionaire and you don’t need to steal my computer.” He slowly turned and responded, “So?”

So take it from us, CCTT, don’t believe the Cam Newton hype. It’s not going turn out well at all.

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