CCTT Prepares America for Soccer

2 05 2011

It’s still unclear whether the NFL and the NBA will actually have lockouts for the 2011 and 2012 seasons, but it is clear that as a nation the United States must begin to prepare. CCTT feels that it is our duty to extol the virtues and theoretical pitfalls of European soccer. This upcoming fall, Sundays could become a wasteland unless you’re one of the lucky few who are able to genuinely care about the PGA Tour’s Fed Ex Cup. There is an answer, though, and its name is soccer. Your Sunday mornings and early afternoons could be filled with joy and wonder that can only come from a sport where you’re not allowed to use your hands. Here’s what you need to know.

1) Ties Are Cool!

They say a tie is like kissing your sister, but that metaphor is only useful when referenced to the bewilderment (Donovan McNabb) and dismay (every ESPN pundit) caused by a tie in the NFL. It only happens every couple of years, but when it does it’s received with the same confusion and disgust one would receive if he was caught french kissing his sister. In other words, it’s simply no good. A tie in soccer is not wholly satisfying, but can be fun if the game is at least a bit entertaining. Basically, a tie in soccer is like a nice dry-hump session. Nothing was actually achieved, but you can lie to the guys in Mrs. Sampsons’ Bio class and say it was the coolest thing ever. It’s the same with a tie in soccer. “I know the score was 0-0, but it was up and down action the entire game.”

2) The Announcers

Since scoring is at a premium in soccer, the announcers go ape shit when almost any goal occurs. Their excitement, often a bit undeserved, would make Gus Johnson blush. Here are some examples of some great post-goal announcing work.

“Aww you beauty!”

“It puts the Hatian voodoo rattle on this one.”

“Denis Bergkamp, Denis Bergkamp, Denis Bergkamp, Ahhhhh!”

3) They’re Only 90 Mintues

ESPN’s Sports Guy has pointed this out multiple times and it makes a lot of sense. A soccer game has a finite and relatively short duration when compared to an NFL game and especially a MLB game. Watching a low scoring, four hour pitchers duel may give you some street cred, but unless it’s in the playoffs your time could have been spent better elsewhere. With soccer this is a complete non-issue. The longest a game can last is about 2 hours and 45 minutes and that’s only if it’s a Champions League game or a World Cup knockout stage game. This should provide you ample time for the rest of the day to do cool stuff like looking up episodes of Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper online.

4) Tabloid Gossip

You may say that you’re only into sports because of what occurs on the playing field, but you’re lying. You read up on the Barry Bonds perjury trial and you can vividly describe five to seven completely insane acts perpetuated by Gilbert Arenas that have nothing do with basketball. That being said, here’s the great news. European soccer is filled with much, much more juicy/weird/sex-laden scandal. Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney once slept with a prostitute while his pregnant wife was at home resting. Oh, and she was really old and a bunch of dudes stood outside the brothel chanting “Rooney, Rooney, Rooney.” You’re into that kind of shit because it absolutely proves that the truth is stranger than fiction.

5) Funny European Names

This should be easy enough to understand. It’s fun to make fun of goofy foreign names. Soccer is filled with goofy foreigners. Soccer is a good avenue to make fun of goofy foreign names. Here are some examples.

Javier Hernadez aka Chicarito – Chicarito means ‘little pea” in Spanish. There is a professional athlete whose nicknamed after a vegetable that a lot of people hate and he’s still considered pretty cool.

Bastian Schweinsteiger – If you were writing a movie and you needed a goofy Nazi that could be used as comic relief and/or killed by an American hero you couldn’t come up with a better name than Bastian Schweinsteiger. The Sebastian really helps sell it, too. One, because of the friendly Jamaican lobster from The Little Mermaid creates a nice mental juxtaposition when compared to the actuality of a pale, lengthy German dude. And two, Bastian is kind of a fruity name in general. The Schweinsteiger part is pure German and it’s fun to make fun of Germans.

Bastian

Peter Crouch – This may seem normal, but if you’re both lazy and boring this could be great because you can just change it to Peter Crotch. I think a stoned person could really get behind that.

6) Games Begin Early

Since they’re coming from Europe, this means that games begin no later than 230 on the east coast and 1130 on the west coast. This ensures that you have the rest of the day as you please, which could be a welcome change when compared to the annoyance caused by having to wait to go out so you can finish watching the 4th quarter of a WAC football blowout. Also, if you’re a raging alcoholic it’s a pretty fair excuse that allows you to begin drinking before noon. It’s five o’clock in Sheffield. Better start pounding ’em.

7) Pomposity

This is a double-edged sword. It’s great to be able to hold something that you ‘get’ over your friends’ heads, but this can also make you look like a huge douche. It’s well known that there’s a thin line between cool and douchey so tread lightly. Don’t make a big deal about watching soccer. Just sit there, enjoy the game, and give only casual insight. Rambling about transfer fees and soccer’s cultural tie-ins will get old fast.

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