Area D-Bag Killed After Calling For ‘Restraint’ in Wake of Bin Laden Death

3 05 2011

area d-bag

St. Louis, Missouri

Mark Stinson,  38-year-old tax attorney and major douche, died early Monday morning from severe head trauma and six stab wounds to his chest, stomach, and thighs. Apparently, Stinson thought it was a good idea to write this status update.

“Let’s take a step back from all this hoopla and really think about our actions. Should we really show this much public excitement over Bin Laden’s death? We all know that Osama Bin Laden is a deplorable human being and his death is a positive step forward in the War on Terror, but could this ‘showy’ patriotism antagonize our Muslim brothers both foreign and domestic? I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade or take away from the achievements of our Navy Seals or discolor the vindication of the families of 9/11 victims. I just want people to think and consider the possibility that their actions could make US citizens appear blood thirsty to our friends and enemies abroad and thus making us appear more akin the terrorists who committed those awful atrocities than the thoughtful and civilized citizens I know most of us are. I’ll leave everyone two thoughts. When I was ten years old my mom gave me this advice and it seems apt for the occasion. She looked into my little eyes and said, “The best revenge is living well.” Thanks. I love you mom. And let’s also remember these wise words from the great Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant. “Act like you’ve been there before.” Let’s try a little restraint and God bless America. Mark.”

Stinson’s death was received with unanimous public joy. St. Louis chief of police, John Mettleson, told reporters Monday afternoon that ‘no charges will be brought against the assailants due to Stinson’s blatant ‘douchiness.'” He added that, “It doesn’t even feel like a real murder. It just feels like the right thing to do.”

Stinson’s law partner Jared Johnson stated that he “stopped reading after the words ‘let’s take a step back” and that he immediately “knew then what he (Stinson)  had done and what needed to be done in response.” William Ogelthorpe, who graduated high school with Stinson, was “pleasantly surprised to find thirteen other dudes waiting outside the house with various weapons intent on fucking Mark up.” Ogelthorpe also added, “It was really nice to see a couple of other guys from high school. I hadn’t seen Schmitty in like fifteen years or something, but when I saw him holding that baseball bat and leaning against his car it was almost like we were back in high school gym. Really lame status updates like Mark’s are really great at bringing people together and unifying a divided neighborhood.”

Outside Stinson's House

Stinson’s mother, Patrice Stinson, refused to comment, but her husband Thomas Stinson released this statement to the press.

“As a parent you try to raise your children properly and teach them right from wrong. Obviously, I failed Mark and must accept some of the blame. I hope and pray that I am not killed for helping spawn such a major buzz kill, but if an angry mob does show up at my house I will more than understand. Also, I’d like to specifically apologize for Mark’s Bear Bryant quote. That was completely uncalled for and I hope it does not tarnish the great man’s legacy.”

Stinson’s death is not completely without its consequences, though. Rodney Bell, a five-year participant in the fantasy football league Stinson organized, is concerned that “no one will pay their entry fees on time this year.”

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