Ironic Rapture Party Ruined By Actual Rapture

20 05 2011

Los Angles, California

On Saturday at 1 Am PST Jared “Booty Town” Spencer stared at the smoldering ruins of his Silver Lake duplex and realized what true irony was and he didn’t like it. ” You make all these hilarious plans and then this happens.” said Spencer who hosted ‘Jared’s Super Terrific Rapture Party’ on Friday night. Spencer also wanted CCTT to know that, “for the record, ‘Booty Town’ is an ironic nickname meant to point out the dangers of treating women like objects. I’m not a misogynist. I was an Econ major and Gender Philosophy minor at Dennison so I  think I’m okay.” Sadly for me and Jared, neither of us were ‘okay’ when The Rapture occurred Friday night at 11 PM.

The night began appropriately with all party guests strolling in between the hours of nine and ten, though the Facebook invitation clearly denoted an 8 PM start time. After everyone arrived, Spencer had his buddy Miles turn off all the lights so he could being reading from the New Testament’s ‘Revelations’ chapter. Spencer said, “I lighted one candle and then started reading that gibberish, well I guess I don’t think it’s gibberish anymore, but you know what I mean.” Spencer’s reading was interrupted by constant fits of laughter from his friends, many of whom were high on marijuana, and even himself. “I just couldn’t get through it,” said an ash covered Spencer, “so we just turned the lights back and put on our special Rapture playlist.” The playlist consisted of as many ‘dooms day’ related songs Spencer could find, including REM’s “Its’ The End of the World as we Know it, Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” and, for some reason, “Come Sail Away” by Styx. When the music started everyone began to loosen up and have a good time. Jared and his friend Stewart ironically declared how much their friendship meant, several girls ironically admitted that they’d been sexually assaulted, and one party guessed ironically farewell Skyped with his parents. At approximately 10:59 PM the majority of party members were purposefully dancing around, drinking PBR, and shouting the refrain to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” By 11 PM many of the ironic party members were literally on fire.

“I knew it wasn’t just a normal earthquake when I turned around and saw Jennifer (Spencer’s girlfriend) floating upwards toward the sky.” said Spencer. Apparently, Jennifer was the only ‘Jared’s Super Terrific Rapture Party’ attendee who was accepted into heaven. “I always made fun of her for being from the south and attending church when it wasn’t Easter or Christmas, but now I wish I hadn’t. I also wish she was still alive because she was the only one who came to my band, ‘The Dental Hygienists,’ shows. Though I doubt will have any more considering Guillermo (the drummer) and Stephanie (the bassist) were both crushed by a Prius that crashed through the window.”

When asked what was the weirdest aspect of his Rapture experience was, Spencer said, “Oh, definitely when that dude in the kilt came in with that sword and just started chopping away at people. He knocked Travis’ head clean off and almost got me, but luckily I was able to get in the back seat of the Prius and avoid him. I don’t know who that guy was, but I’d recommend that everyone watch out for him because that dude means business.”

Artist's rendering

At the time of writing it’s still unclear how many people are dead, missing on earth, or missing to heaven. What is clear, though, is that Spencer’s ironic ways are at an end. “I’ve definitely grown from this whole ‘Rapture’ experience. But I think that’s the point of life, really. You make mistakes and you try to learn from them. Also, anyone looking to fill out their band with a mediocre guitar player with a massive ego can find me looting at Ralph’s with everyone else.”

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