Thoughts on The Drunken Gut Spill

1 06 2011

The story is one told throughout the annals of time.  Boy likes girl. Girl doesn’t reciprocate feelings. Boy acts like he is cool with it. Girl makes herself believe he is cool with it. Boy stops faking being cool with it, drinks a bunch of liquor, and boy performs the most unsuccessful last-ditch effort there is: The Drunken Gut Spill. To those who have never encountered this phenomenon, The Drunken Gut Spill is where a male becomes incredibly intoxicated and proceeds to tell a girl he wants desperately about how very much he wants to be with her. The girl, faced with a drunk guy who she doesn’t romantically care about, declines as politely as she can. The boy wakes up on his buddy’s couch the next morning, yawns, bolts upright realizing what he’s done, freaks out, and then texts the girl “Sorry about last night. Too much to drink, haha.” The girl the responds by texting, “no worries! Hope to see you soon.” They never mention it in each other’s company ever again.

Let’s examine why the Drunken Gut Spill is always ill-advised:

  1. The Girl already knows exactly how you feel about her – Chances are you have given off enough hints to make it clear that you like her. If she truly wanted to be with you, she would have done it by now. If you put a treat in front of a dog, if the dog wants it, it will take it.  If not, the dog will walk away.  Think of girls as dogs. (Note: to the three female readers who read this site, including my sister, I in no way meant to imply that girls are dogs. We here at CCTT honor all women).  (Second Note: to the all the male readers of our site, of course I meant to imply that! High-Five!) (Third Note: That second note is called New Wave Sexism. It’s where you make a statement so obviously sexist that it can in no way be taken seriously. It’s a really great way to be a jerk without having to apologize for it.)
  1. The Drunken Gut Spill reeks of desperation – By this time, you’ve exhausted all other options.  You’ve been a knight in shining armor to the girl. You’ve helped her with her bullshit problems.  You have almost definitely paid for dinner a few times just to be “nice.” At this point, you’ve playfully tried to progress the relationship, but to no avail. All that effort and pent up frustration is enough to drive any man to drink. But upon initiating the Drunken Gut Spill, the girl knows you are practically just begging for her to take you. It was offered to her before, and your sweaty melodramatic ass isn’t going to convince her now.
  1. You’re drunk – There are times when being a bit drunk can aid you in pursuit of the female species. Your swagger is up. You let your guard down. The girl is drinking with you and buying what you’re selling. Besides getting girls, being drunk can lead to some awesome and hilarious stories (greatly outnumbered by the times you make an ass out of yourself). But trust me: No guy has successfully delivered a romantic speech to an uninterested girl, drunk.  You’ve rehearsed your speech to the girl a million times in your head. While drunken gut-spilling, you have this image in your head that you are Jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” This shit is Oscar-Worthy!  In reality, you’re more like Jimmy Caan in “The Godfather.” You’re riding high on emotion and don’t know that you’re about to get psychologically shot to death.  You’re slurring your words, repeating yourself, and not making any goddamned sense. “I know you didn’t like me before, but I bet you hearing me ramble like a drunken retard changes your mind!” What girl is going to turn down that deal?
  1. Ah man, stop crying – You may have cried telling the girl this while you’re sober, but if you’re drunk, it’s a given. Tears are falling, snot is running out your nose, and you are a picture perfect mess. I’ve done polls: Girls don’t find that attractive.  It is only acceptable to cry if something truly tragic has happened, you’ve drank a few bourbon and gingers, then look off in the distance as your girlfriend (yes, girlfriend, you must never cry in front of any other girl) puts her arm around you and says, “Babe, what’s the matter?” Then you can cry for 20 seconds, no sobbing, and then compose yourself. Girls love that shit. But you can only pull that move once every five years, and your team losing does not qualify as a tragedy (even though it should).

Needless to say, I have never heard of a relationship that ever started due to a Drunken Gut Spill.  You would think that the high improbability of this tactic would deter guys into ever trying such a thing. It has about the same chance of working as an 80-yard Hail Mary. The girl has already made her intentions clear that she has no romantic feelings, but with enough liquid courage we think that maybe, just maybe, our inebriated ramblings about how much we like them can mirror the same movie-esque ending as all those films where the lame, lowly guy gets the girl, or the rag-tag underdogs knock off the pompous, superior sports team.

This is real life though. And while you can comb sports history to find a few great clips of Hail Mary’s or last second shots, you need only watch a few weekend football games to see that they fail more often than not. We all want to believe we’re going to be Doug Flutie, but in reality we’re more Ryan Leaf.

Worse than that though, the Drunken Gut Spill is a completely depressing story! Your friends won’t like it, you won’t like it, and the girl certainly doesn’t like it.  You will never fondly remember a Drunken Gut Spill. Trying to pick up on a 40-year old cougar and getting turned down may suck at the time, but it’s a decently humorous story you and your friends can look back on. Being wasted and professing your love to a girl is not.

We now know why the Drunken Gut Spill is the worst pick-up move ever, but since it keeps happening, how can we avoid it? From a past offender, here is my advice:

  1. Offer yourself to a girl once. If she doesn’t respond, move on.  – Refer to our first bullet point. There are a few things you shouldn’t quit on when it doesn’t work out at first. Anything athletic, your education, and your career. Those are all things where putting time and effort in have a direct correlation to success. Investing time in a girl who doesn’t respond right away is a complete waste. Your ability to walk away from a deal is crucial. Treat girls the same way you would barter in a Middle Eastern bazaar. Make an offer, if they decline, walk away. This has two specific advantages: One, your self-respect is still intact. You will never hear a girl talk bad about you to her friends if you ask once and she rejects you.  Hell, you can say you were just being nice! Two, you could get that hard to get girl who says, “What the hell? He isn’t pursuing me more? I’ll show that asshole.” Then proceeds to actually come back to you, giving you complete hand.
  2. Remember that you’re not that cool – You may just want to write this down on a note and carry it around in your pocket or text it to yourself so it will always be in your phone, but please remember that you’re not that cool and that when you’re really drunk the worst and least cool aspects of your personality will shine through. Example: if when sober you tend to be pompous and quote philosophers you’ll be even more pompous when youre’ drunk, but less accurate. You’ll either end up misquoting Plato or just drunkenly say fuck it and start spouting off Yodaisms. 99% of girls aren’t intersted in Yoda so you’ll seem extra lame and extra drunk. So remember that you’re not cool. And don’t just try to remember. Do or do not. There is no try.
  3. If You’re Friends with a Girl, Don’t Expect It to Ever Become Anything More – While I have heard rumors of guys moving from the dreaded “Friend-Zone” to an actual relationship, I still don’t believe it happens unless the girl was a crack-addict or prostitute and you cleaned her up and she owes it to you.  For some reason, girls like to have guy friends.

Notice that “not drinking” is not part of my counsel. If you drink at all, you will get drunk and have a gut spill. If you do not drink, your feelings will come out in other awful ways, or you will just continue this cycle of despair until the girl of your dreams gets married to an asshole. If the Drunken Gut Spill has any upside, at least it signals the end. There’s no going back to friend-mode after that.

Also, you’ll have noticed that this advice was directed specifically toward men. That’s because a guy won’t care how he gets the girl so long as he does. If a girl was to sobbingly tell me how much she loved me and then throw up on the floor I’d be totally cool with that.

And one last thing and I think this should make it clear just how pathetic these drunken gut spills can be. This is the first picture that comes up when you google image ‘Drunken Gut Spill.’ I have no idea what this picture is or what this woman is doing, but it’s not good and neither are Drunken Gut Spills. Keep fighting the good fight. Seacrest, out!




One response

2 06 2011

As usual…AWESOME! Nice work gentlemen! – TheSouthernPrepster

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