Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 11

20 10 2011

Will The Situation actually not go to The Shore? Does anyone care? Do I? Answers to these questions and more on the upcoming recap of Jersey Shore.

The Episode

– “I feel like Mike, he’s like making this house on edge. Nobody ever confronts him about it so I feel like if Ron like talked to him it would like snap him out of it a little bit.” Sammi on The Situation’s house to the edge making. I guess she doesn’t remember that time Snooki threw a champagne bottle at him, or the time Deena threw a spatula at him, or that time her boyfriend and Sitch got into a brawl that led to The Situation getting a concussion. A Sitchcussion, to the lay person.

– “Between you and me, I feel like the villain.” The Situation to Ronnie. A great title for The Situation’s memoirs.

– “I only want a couple of bridges. I don’t want all of them, dawg.” The Situation on even though he’s the bad guy right now, he still doesn’t feel the need to apologize to everyone he’s wronged. That’s a great fucking quote and I imagine that it’s how he actually feels. He’s the star of the show and he knows it and so long as he’s got one or two guys to at least talk to him he’ll be totally fine. Also, it’s pretty clear that Situation is modelling himself after Dylan McKay. And why not? They’re both rich, both on TV, and both 10 to 15 years older than their fellow cast mates. Watch this whole clip, but especially from 1:18 onward. May the bridges we all burn the light the way.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 11

13 10 2011

Considering the state of the world, recapping Jersey Shore quotes may seem vapid. But what if it isn’t? Yes, people are occupying Wall Street, but what happens when it’s all over and they’ve changed our country for the better? What will they come home to? Since I’m not brave enough to fight in the streets I’m left with only one recourse.

The Episode

– “I’m really shy! I gotta dildo today!” Strange Girl at the club. It’s important to note that this young dildo lady’s face was not blurred, which means she signed a waiver agreeing to appear on the show. That means that she wanted the world (or about 7 million viewers) to know that she bought a dildo. That’s totally weird. My roommate gave me his old nose hair trimmer yesterday, but that’s weird and not something I’d ever tell anyone.

– “If I don’t fuck her I ruin the friendship. Welcome to my world.” Pauly D. Seinfeld’s got some competition!

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 10

6 10 2011

Before we begin I’d like to discuss the 800 pound juicehead-gorilla in the room: Steve Job’s death. I didn’t know  Steve Jobs and I don’t use a Mac laptop. I do, though, put an 8GB black i-pod to daily use. It was given to me by my father Easter weekend 2007 and everyday since then I’ve used it for at least some period of time. And I’m obviously excluding the weekend I left it in a friend’s apartment and that month I thought it was lost only to later find it under a couch. This tiny black marvel has borne my impatient and constant shuffling, my sweat, and my love for Widespread Panic. It’s fallen on the ground, felt the weight of my ass on countless occasions, and was even dropped in the toilet; it’s a weathered soldier. Naturally it can no longer hold a charge longer than an hour and the menu button is unresponsive, but it still works dammit. Thanks for everything, Steve.

The Episode

– “Crazy pants! You’re crazy pants!” Snooki on how Situation’s crazy pants for continually perpetuating the rumor that she felated him. I still believe Sitch on this one. Most girls I know would definitely come up with harsher words than “crazy pants” if a dude kept saying she felated him. Maybe Snooki’s cavalier attitude toward oral sex derives from the sexually charged atmosphere of club life, but I doubt it. She probably felt that she just needed to say something and “crazy pants” was the fastest way to feign indignation.

– “I’m tired of being Mr. Nice.” The Situation. I wish he’d said “Mr. Nice Guy” instead so I could reference the song below. “He classy, Big Will just get another 20 mil, walk right past E.” Burn.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 9

29 09 2011

Spoiler Alert! The author of this post decided tonight was the night he’d bare his soul to the world. And by soul I mean the shame and regret of not going with his mother on a Sound of Music Tour in 1998.

The Episode

– “I can’t lay here.” Snooki as she got up from bed the morning after Jionni left. As she got up they had to once again blur out her underwear/kookha. That’s called symbolism, man. The flashed underwear was why Jionni left in the first place. And speaking of Jionni, he may have left Florence, but I like to imagine that he didn’t just leave Italy and waste the trip. I hope he’s hitting every major tourist attraction Italy has to offer. He could take an 80 dollar gondola ride in Venice, check out all the cats in the Colosseum, and see if an Olive Garden in Italy lives up to Jersey’s high standards. Shit, maybe he could even get a Eurail pass and head up to Austria and do The Sound of Music tour. The hills are alive with the sound of guido…How do you solve a problem like a Snooki…Ed Hardy discounts and implants on women/Crappy house music and STD Livin’/GNC Packages tied up with strings/ These are a few of my favorite things!

– “Put the music a little louder.” Snooki while drinking and dancing in a bar by herself. She wore boots that looked like a pair of Albino Pekingese.

– “That’s not right! If he knew that this was gonna happen he should have fucking not came!” Mr. Snooki (Snooki’s Dad) on why it was wrong for Jionni to leave. Mr. S seems more upset at Jionni’s shitty logic than with him actually leaving his daughter alone and miserable.  The logic being that Jionni knew what Snooki was like (i.e. crazy drunken reality star with no regard for human life) and therefore should not expect anything different from her while visiting.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 8

22 09 2011

Let’s just do this.

The Episode

– “Okay. 0.0.” Italian police officer to Snooki post-breathalyzer. That will be the last time Snooki ever hears “O.0” word come out of an officer’s mouth.

– “Were you drunk?” Jionni after Snooki told him about the accident. If that’s the first thing your boyfriend asks you after you’ve informed him you’ve been in a car accident then it’s pretty clear that your relationship has no future. Were you drunk? On street drugs? On prescription drugs? Were you texting while driving? Were you adjusting your fake breasts while making an illegal left turn? Okay, okay fine: Are you okay?

– Pauly D wore a Kiss tee-shirt to the club. I didn’t know he was a fan, but I do suppose that Pauly D and Kiss have a lot in common and I’m not just talking about how they both like to rock and roll all night and party every day: Pauly D is an artist, a DJ artist, and so are the members of Kiss. Seriously, check out this painting by Paul Stanley called “Infinite Solitude.” Frankly, I don’t even know why he bothered to give it a name because it’s pretty darn obvious to anyone with eyes that this painting is all about infinite solitude. Read the rest of this entry »

Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 7

15 09 2011

After recapping 29 episodes of JERSEY SHORE it’s become clear that I no longer have anything new or interesting to say about the show. That’s why tonight will be different: instead of doing a normal recap I will only list quotes and then decide how each could be incorporated into the title of a lame memoir.

The Episode

– “Where is the people?” The pizzeria manager.

Where Is The People? : The Mikhail Lazarev Story by Mikhail Lazarev. Lazarev was one half of the Russian duo that discovered Antarctica in the early 19th century. It must have really sucked to be an explorer in the 1800s. To quote Michael Bluth, “Hasn’t everything sort of already been discovered, though by, like Magellan and Cortes.”

– “Everyone of you guys is absolutely out of your mind.” Jionni to Snooki on how she and her roommates are all crazy.

Everyone Of You Guys Is Absolutely Out Of Your Mind: I’m Herschel Walker and I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder by Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker also represented the United States in the 1992 Winter Olympics as a bobsledder. Imagine that! A black bobsledder who also had multiple personality disorder. That’s gotta be like, 5 Billion to 1 odds.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 6

9 09 2011

As stated previously, I thought last week’s episode was a major turd. And that’s saying something when recalling that The Situation had a self-inflicted concussion, wore a neck brace, and screamed like a crazy man. Normally, that would be enough to save any episode, but not any more. We’ve lived with the characters too long to simply roll over and accept uninspired quotes and hackneyed plots. Let’s see if they can do better tonight.

The Episode

– “Last night I kind of let my pride get the best of me.” Ronnie on how he screamed at Sammi like a crazy man. Ronnie’s pride must take more steroids than the actual Ronnie because it always seems to get the best of him.

– “I feel like how can you get sympathy on a self-inflicted injury?” JWoww generalizing The Situation’s wall incident to the rest of society. JWoww also has no sympathy for teenage girl wrist cutters, toddlers who burn themselves on stoves, and old people who’ve fallen and can’t get up.

– “I’m gonna man up.” The Situation after  heart to heart with Ronnie. I don’t think anyone thought The Situation was actually going to leave. I’m sure he was just sad because he couldn’t drink for a couple of days and that the neck brace didn’t garner him any sympathy, but instead just made him look lame (lamer). He triumphantly took the neck brace off after he declared his manning up intentions.

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