Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 6

9 09 2011

As stated previously, I thought last week’s episode was a major turd. And that’s saying something when recalling that The Situation had a self-inflicted concussion, wore a neck brace, and screamed like a crazy man. Normally, that would be enough to save any episode, but not any more. We’ve lived with the characters too long to simply roll over and accept uninspired quotes and hackneyed plots. Let’s see if they can do better tonight.

The Episode

– “Last night I kind of let my pride get the best of me.” Ronnie on how he screamed at Sammi like a crazy man. Ronnie’s pride must take more steroids than the actual Ronnie because it always seems to get the best of him.

– “I feel like how can you get sympathy on a self-inflicted injury?” JWoww generalizing The Situation’s wall incident to the rest of society. JWoww also has no sympathy for teenage girl wrist cutters, toddlers who burn themselves on stoves, and old people who’ve fallen and can’t get up.

– “I’m gonna man up.” The Situation after  heart to heart with Ronnie. I don’t think anyone thought The Situation was actually going to leave. I’m sure he was just sad because he couldn’t drink for a couple of days and that the neck brace didn’t garner him any sympathy, but instead just made him look lame (lamer). He triumphantly took the neck brace off after he declared his manning up intentions.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 5

1 09 2011

My only hope for tonight’s episode was a scene involving Brittany sobbing over The Situation as he laid unconscious in a hospital bed. It didn’t happen.

The Episode

– “I’ve been waiting, bro.” Ronnie on his time biding in regards to fucking The Situation up. Ugh. That fight was a complete disaster. I can’t believe I thought The Situation was seriously injured. I swore they showed a stretcher at the end of the last episode. Maybe it was just my imagination running away with me.

– “I’ll fuck you up everyday!” The Situation to Ronnie. Huh?

– “This isn’t fucking fun anymore!” A sobbing JWoww to Sam, begging her to leave the Ronnie/Situation argument alone. I wonder what ‘fun’ she’s referring to? Ron and Sam only ever fought, but maybe it was secretly fun for the other house members in a watching a train wreck kind of way. Regardless, I can assure JWoww that it was never fun for the viewer. Below is the third image that appears if you type “fun” into google image. Man that kind of multi-cultural fun really takes me back. Wait, never mind. I grew up in the suburbs. The closest I came to multi-cultural fun was watching the episode of FULL HOUSE where Urkel guest starred and taught Stephanie that wearing glasses was okay.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 4

25 08 2011

We all thought this episode was  going to be full of violence, but we didn’t know how and when it was going to take place (we should have remembered that if it’s a major fight, they only show half of it and only at the very end). The only think we knew for sure was that none of the violence would revolve around sight-seeing in Florence, which they don’t seem to care about whatsoever.

The Episode

– “Erica, I’m going home.” Brittany, Situation’s twin and daughter of the uber-depressed Mr. Brittany. So, I guess sometime during the middle of the night Erica got out of Deena’s bed and back into Vinny’s, where she was briefly, but only after she got out of Deena’s bed originally after they got back from the club. They call it Guido Musical Chairs or Herpes: The Little Virus That Could. Ugh, that’s embarrassingly catty.

– Situation: Your sister went home just now.

Erica: I’m an individual, okay!

Situation: What happened?

Erica: I’m an individual!

Situation: Okay, okay, okay…good night.

What a fantastic interchange, Erica’s attempt at creating her own JS character, “The Individual!” The Situation, the king of forcing a fake persona on friends, strangers, and the TV audience, didn’t even know what she was talking about. He just wanted her to know that her sister left and certainly didn’t expect The Individual! to come crashing out of the gate with her own brand of individuality, which consists of a post-Beejer lie in.

– “The girl went down on Deena.” Ronnie on Erica going down on Deena. Score another for Mr Brittany. She later “polished off” Vinny in the true spirit of an American individual. She’s the Jack Kerouac of slutty girls studying abroad.  Seriously, Brittany and Erica’s father has either killed himself, run off to Mexico, or run off to Mexico to kill himself.

– “Pretty much my boy Unit was banging Ryder(Snooki’s best friend) and then Snooki walked in and got all turned on.” The Situation’s explanation on why Snooki wanted to hook up with him. It’s only worth noting because he has a ‘boy’ named Unit.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 3

18 08 2011

After last week’s episode we all realized that Sam and Ron would be getting back together. We were scared and thought the season was completely ruined. Sam and Ron had their time, we enjoyed it, but it’s played out. Nothing short of Ronnie throwing Sammie off a 15th century balcony would be surprising at this point. But JS still has some tricks up its sleeve. And by tricks I mean two twins from Florida who’ve taken it upon themselves to hook up with as many cast members as possible.

The Episode

– “I need my shirt.” Brittany to The Situation. She needed to find her shirt after another sleepover with America’s creepiest reality star. I know I really layed into her father last week and I hoped not to mention him again this week, but I can’t. I’ve got to think he calmed down since last Thursday and accepted the fact that young people make mistakes, but then this happens. His daughter causally asks The Situation for her shirt. That means she’s comfortable with him, which in a lot of ways is much, much worse than her having casual sex with him.

– “Brittany is one of the most DTF chicks I ever met and now I’m just exhausted.” The Situation on Brittany’s sluttiness. When it rains it pours, for Mr. Brittany (Brittany’s father).

– “I just feel like they’re meant for each other.” Snooki on how Ron and Sam are meant for each other. Does she not remember all the senseless violence Ronnie inflicted on Sammi’s luggage? Does she not remember Ronnie-Smash?

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 2

11 08 2011

Last week two new potential season long arcs were established: The Situation/Snooki and Pauly/Deena. Both are welcome changes from the Ronnie/Sammi garbage pit and it looked like we were going to avoid their issues…or so I thought.

The Episode

– Deena: Let’s hook up and cuddle.

Pauly: Yeah, I know.

I can’t imagine a man sounding less enthusiastic than Pauly at the proposition of free sex.

– “I definitely think Pauly and Deena are going to smush, but it just comes down to timing; when and where.” Jwoww on Deena and Pauly’s eventual smushing. I found this quote oddly specific. I don’t understand. They go out to get drunk every night and they live together so neither time nor space are relevant. It would definitely be gross, though. Almost as gross as this… Read the rest of this entry »

Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 1

4 08 2011

When I first heard the news I was not surprised. Sending the cast of the JERSEY SHORE abroad seemed natural as they’d already achieved so much in America. Though I don’t know much about Italy, I believe that the JS cast has little to nothing in common with the nation’s past, present, or future. Situation, Snooki, and company are to the Italian people as Subway’s Italian BMT is to a home-made meal cooked by a devout and stout Roman grandmother. They are a pale (though obviously not literally), completely distorted vision of the old country. But none of that actually matters. The JS cast has nothing in common with the people of New Jersey either. I’m sure folks in the Garden State were much more comfortable being stereotyped as mobsters (Tony Soprano), morons only interested in sci-fi, comic books, and masturbation (every Kevin Smith movie), or uber-grating neurotic 20 somethings who revel in their own realization that love is the most important thing in the world (Zach Braff’s Garden State). You could put them in Columbus, Ohio and the show would yield similar results with the only exception being increased NCAA infractions for the Ohio St. football program (topical!). It doesn’t matter where the JS crew is because in the end they are who we thought they were.

The Episode

– It’s the fourth season and they still have the same opening credit sequence. I only mention this so I can mention something else for the seventh time: JWoww has yet to participate in any sort of post-coital decapitation.

– “international panty raid.” Pauly on his Italian expectations. I think International Panty Raid would be a great band name. I just hope it hasn’t already been taken by an all girl Poison cover band. Also, ‘panty raid‘ has its own wikipedia entry, which is shockingly long. What kind of person takes time out of their day to add to the ‘history’ section of the ‘panty raid’ wikipedia page? I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

– “I’m so much more better looking.” Vinny on his non-beard ‘beard.’

– Snooki’s dating a guy named Jioni. He seems normal. Much better than Emilio or that guy in the UNC hat from season 1.

– JWoww: I just want to make sure I stay this way in Italy.

Tom (her boyfriend): Me too.

It’s clear that JWoww has lost some weight. It’s also clear that she’s had a face lift. I suppose her face could look a lot tighter because of weight loss, but I seriously doubt it. She’s already had breast implants and has a crucifix belly button ring. Why stop there?

Italy's going to be great. Like face lifts.

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Harry Potter Tribute Videos: People Are Lame

13 07 2011

Since the dawn of YouTube, tribute videos have been the common man’s prime means of artistic expression. If you’re not familiar, these videos take a song (usually melodramatic or comedic [if the artist’s aim is juxtaposition]) and combine it with video clips or still images of the person, place, or thing that’s being paid tribute to. These videos come from all over and from all walks of life. The Jane Austen/Goo Goo Dolls devotee, the Wayne Rooney/bad dance music enthusiast,  and naturally the Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights/faux African music fan are all represented. And on the eve of the final installment of the Harry Potter films it felt right to briefly scour the internet and find out how the people really feel about their friends at Hogwarts. The people have spoken and they’re lame as shit.

Video: Ron and Hermione Tribute – I Love Her

Song: “I Love Her” by Jesse McCartney

Tribute Artist: AnakinnVaderLover

It’s important to note that the artist decided use the song of a teen heart throb to help illustrate the love of two other teen heart throbs. They could have picked any number of fabulous love songs by Paul McCartney, but decided that Mr. Jesse McCartney’s piano driven tune was the better option. It’s also important to point out that about half of the clips above are either photoshopped, taken from press events, or are animated renderings of Ron and Hermione from unknown sources. My favorite moments generally involved the ‘unofficial’ Ron/Hermione moments. At 0:37 there’s a picture of Ron and Hermione at their wedding. If you’re anything like me you’re first reaction was “Why did they chose to wear clothes so decidedly muggleish for their wedding!?” Bur remember, Hermione grew up a muggle and has muggle parents so it’s only natural that her wedding would be traditionally muggle. That’s the kind of artistic touch that separates this video from the pack. AnakinVaderLover could have easily forgotten and made their wedding pic all wizardy, but is obviously a huge fan and knew that anything but a traditional wedding would be anachronistic. In short, the artist cares about the audience. Also, there’s a nice little part at 3:09 with a colored drawing of a tee-shirted Ron holding his red-headed new-born child while a gleeful Hermione looks on at the two loves of her life in perfect bliss. Once again, this drawing stands out because of its detail. One, the baby’s hair is red, which is key to get right because any other hair color would be blasphemous. And two, Ron and Hermione don’t appear to be more than a year or two out of Hogwarts in the drawing, which means that the artist felt that the pair of love birds got down to business immediately after the defeat of Voldemort. And I guess that makes sense because as far as I know there is no higher education for wizards  so there would be no “let’s wait and see how we feel after college” for Ron and Hermione. Anyway, AnakinVaderLover is clearly not just a Star Wars enthusiast and we’re all the better for it and the evidence is this gloriously lame tribute video.

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